I'm still here. I've just been really busy. It's weird to say that - that I've been busy yet I don't really have much to show for it, but there is rarely a second in my day that isn't accounted for.
Mike and I are going strong. We have this weird up and down relationship where we either seem madly in love, or we're down each other's throats (and not in the sexual sense). It's usually me down his throat because he does stupid things obliviously and I get ticked off, but we kiss, make up, screw, laugh, party, and all is well again until his next blind fuck up. He's made a lot of progress though and I'm really happy with the growth we've had a as a couple. There was a time where I was thinking that we wouldn't last another week but we'd have some very serious conversations and get back on track. There are times where I question our general compatibility based on personality types: He's selfish and I'm needy - he can be obnoxious but I'm sensitive - he's a giant flirt and I have giant trust issues. Those are some pretty conflicting basics but we're both willing to meet halfway. I'm trying to loosen up, not take things personally, and let down the guard (I don't even want to get into the guard I'm learning I have now thanks to the Mark fiasco but that's another story) while Mike is trying to be more mature, understanding of my needs and not just his, and conscious of his behaviour with other guys. It's challenging and we both can improve, but things are getting so much better.
I'm in a financial mess still. After the bachelor party I threw, the wedding in Halifax, the trip to Miami, the super chic champagne birthday I threw for my roomate/ex-girlfirend/best friend Katie, and the trip to Jamaica I booked with Mike in December, I'M BROKE. I totally understand the problem here. I'm living luxuriously but I'm living on a waiter's income. The lifestyle and the job don't really balance out, hence the maxed out credit card, the late bill payments, and a general "Oh shit..." whenever I think about my bank balance. Work is picking up though (God bless the Toronto Maple Leafs) and hopefully I am debt free January 1st.
Mark - oh yes.... he's still raising a ruckus. He's moved to Toronto! When I got the news a while back I was pissed because when I broke up with him I proposed a compromise. I proposed that he move to Toronto, we live separately, and work on the relationship and see if being in the same city could get things back to where they needed to be. Well he shut that idea down and said that he had no interest in coming here unless we lived together. He told me that the only reason he would come to Toronto would be to take us to the next level and that if we weren't living together, he would just live in London. So I left him, a few days go by, and he decides to move here. I was pissed. I don't know his motivations, I can only hope that they were for the right reasons and had nothing to do with either winning me back or making my life hell - both of which are things I wouldn't put past him.
Mark and I went a month without bumping into each other and then a few nights ago it happened. We were out at the bar and I saw him on the patio and asked Mike to go inside so I could talk to him. He was calm and very positive which was good, though things were definitely awkward. He asked me "So where's your boyfriend?" and I knew instantly that his reason for being so calm was that he hadn't found out about Mike yet. I thought for sure that he would have heard about Mike and I through the grapevine by now but apparently not. I'll admit - it was a douchebag move. I left Mark for my best bud that I would hang out with while we were in separate cities. Our complicated history put me in a place where I was vulnerable to falling for someone else but still, it's going to sting Mark when he finds out, and had he found out already, I'm sure he would have had a lot more to say than "So where's your boyfriend?" He also made a point of telling me that he's changed his number and deleted mine, that he's partying non stop, and that his life is just AMAZING! People who are that happy and secure in their lives never have to broadcast it. I genuinely want him to be happy and if he is - great - if he isn't - well I'm sure this is just one of the steps of getting there.
I finished my marathon. I can honestly say that it was the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. The reason I'm so proud of it is that it was completely self motivated. It took endless hours of training, it took discipline, it was exhausting physically and mentally, and it isn't something that many people can say they've done. It's a feat - and it's one that I achieved without being responsible or accountable to anyone but myself. Success or failure was only for myself, and it was something to be accomplished by myself. The exhilaration of people cheering for me, the comaradery between runners, the excitement and energy of the event was so overwhelming that I was reduced to tears multiple times during the run. Each time I would compose myself but it wouldn't take long to see a father running, waving at his son holding a sign saying "Daddy you're my hero", before I would well up and my vision would become blurry again. When I crossed the finish line and heard Mike cheering for me, then I turned and saw my mom and dad and Anna waving in excitment, I had to turn and walk away from them. I was so drained and mentally spent that if I went towards them I would have completely broken down. I finished in 3h 48min. It was so inspiring that I actually have another marathon scheduled for this Sunday. After running my first marathon I have a few things that I know I should have done differently, so having that experience under my belt has pushed me to set my sights on 3h 30min.
Architecture school applications are due in January and I'm coming to the harsh realization that I'm not getting in. There is really only one school that I can get into and that's on the assumption that they'll accept someone on the borderline. It's a competitive program and borderline is not going to cut it. This is a tough Masters program and my Undergrad didn't provide me the creative and artistic skillset I need to compete with people coming from other backgrounds. Maybe the school will see my strong technical knowledge of structural concepts as a large asset and view me as adding breadth to their student body, but I think I just don't have the chops to compete. Yet. As well as coming up with this application I am also working on my plan B which is what I'm going to have to do to catch up, learn new design skills, and get myself competitive for the next round of applications.
There's a lot going on - a lot of uncertainty - a lot of change - but I'm trying to look at each of my challenges and opportunities as exciting. I can be overwhelmed or I can be inspired. I can be buried under the pressure or I can push through it all and claim the life I want. It's gut check time and I know that there are going to be setbacks but there are also successes ahead. I'm trying to stay motivated over and above the bullshit and the distractions - but the bullshit and distractions can just be so damn interesting sometimes.
I'm going to try to keep writing on a more consistent basis. I forgot how therapeudic it is to put this all down and organize the fast paced mish mash I'm going through right now.
Mike and I are going strong. We have this weird up and down relationship where we either seem madly in love, or we're down each other's throats (and not in the sexual sense). It's usually me down his throat because he does stupid things obliviously and I get ticked off, but we kiss, make up, screw, laugh, party, and all is well again until his next blind fuck up. He's made a lot of progress though and I'm really happy with the growth we've had a as a couple. There was a time where I was thinking that we wouldn't last another week but we'd have some very serious conversations and get back on track. There are times where I question our general compatibility based on personality types: He's selfish and I'm needy - he can be obnoxious but I'm sensitive - he's a giant flirt and I have giant trust issues. Those are some pretty conflicting basics but we're both willing to meet halfway. I'm trying to loosen up, not take things personally, and let down the guard (I don't even want to get into the guard I'm learning I have now thanks to the Mark fiasco but that's another story) while Mike is trying to be more mature, understanding of my needs and not just his, and conscious of his behaviour with other guys. It's challenging and we both can improve, but things are getting so much better.
I'm in a financial mess still. After the bachelor party I threw, the wedding in Halifax, the trip to Miami, the super chic champagne birthday I threw for my roomate/ex-girlfirend/best friend Katie, and the trip to Jamaica I booked with Mike in December, I'M BROKE. I totally understand the problem here. I'm living luxuriously but I'm living on a waiter's income. The lifestyle and the job don't really balance out, hence the maxed out credit card, the late bill payments, and a general "Oh shit..." whenever I think about my bank balance. Work is picking up though (God bless the Toronto Maple Leafs) and hopefully I am debt free January 1st.
Mark - oh yes.... he's still raising a ruckus. He's moved to Toronto! When I got the news a while back I was pissed because when I broke up with him I proposed a compromise. I proposed that he move to Toronto, we live separately, and work on the relationship and see if being in the same city could get things back to where they needed to be. Well he shut that idea down and said that he had no interest in coming here unless we lived together. He told me that the only reason he would come to Toronto would be to take us to the next level and that if we weren't living together, he would just live in London. So I left him, a few days go by, and he decides to move here. I was pissed. I don't know his motivations, I can only hope that they were for the right reasons and had nothing to do with either winning me back or making my life hell - both of which are things I wouldn't put past him.
Mark and I went a month without bumping into each other and then a few nights ago it happened. We were out at the bar and I saw him on the patio and asked Mike to go inside so I could talk to him. He was calm and very positive which was good, though things were definitely awkward. He asked me "So where's your boyfriend?" and I knew instantly that his reason for being so calm was that he hadn't found out about Mike yet. I thought for sure that he would have heard about Mike and I through the grapevine by now but apparently not. I'll admit - it was a douchebag move. I left Mark for my best bud that I would hang out with while we were in separate cities. Our complicated history put me in a place where I was vulnerable to falling for someone else but still, it's going to sting Mark when he finds out, and had he found out already, I'm sure he would have had a lot more to say than "So where's your boyfriend?" He also made a point of telling me that he's changed his number and deleted mine, that he's partying non stop, and that his life is just AMAZING! People who are that happy and secure in their lives never have to broadcast it. I genuinely want him to be happy and if he is - great - if he isn't - well I'm sure this is just one of the steps of getting there.
I finished my marathon. I can honestly say that it was the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. The reason I'm so proud of it is that it was completely self motivated. It took endless hours of training, it took discipline, it was exhausting physically and mentally, and it isn't something that many people can say they've done. It's a feat - and it's one that I achieved without being responsible or accountable to anyone but myself. Success or failure was only for myself, and it was something to be accomplished by myself. The exhilaration of people cheering for me, the comaradery between runners, the excitement and energy of the event was so overwhelming that I was reduced to tears multiple times during the run. Each time I would compose myself but it wouldn't take long to see a father running, waving at his son holding a sign saying "Daddy you're my hero", before I would well up and my vision would become blurry again. When I crossed the finish line and heard Mike cheering for me, then I turned and saw my mom and dad and Anna waving in excitment, I had to turn and walk away from them. I was so drained and mentally spent that if I went towards them I would have completely broken down. I finished in 3h 48min. It was so inspiring that I actually have another marathon scheduled for this Sunday. After running my first marathon I have a few things that I know I should have done differently, so having that experience under my belt has pushed me to set my sights on 3h 30min.
Architecture school applications are due in January and I'm coming to the harsh realization that I'm not getting in. There is really only one school that I can get into and that's on the assumption that they'll accept someone on the borderline. It's a competitive program and borderline is not going to cut it. This is a tough Masters program and my Undergrad didn't provide me the creative and artistic skillset I need to compete with people coming from other backgrounds. Maybe the school will see my strong technical knowledge of structural concepts as a large asset and view me as adding breadth to their student body, but I think I just don't have the chops to compete. Yet. As well as coming up with this application I am also working on my plan B which is what I'm going to have to do to catch up, learn new design skills, and get myself competitive for the next round of applications.
There's a lot going on - a lot of uncertainty - a lot of change - but I'm trying to look at each of my challenges and opportunities as exciting. I can be overwhelmed or I can be inspired. I can be buried under the pressure or I can push through it all and claim the life I want. It's gut check time and I know that there are going to be setbacks but there are also successes ahead. I'm trying to stay motivated over and above the bullshit and the distractions - but the bullshit and distractions can just be so damn interesting sometimes.
I'm going to try to keep writing on a more consistent basis. I forgot how therapeudic it is to put this all down and organize the fast paced mish mash I'm going through right now.
2 comments:
that's a lot of info, lol. But I'm glad other the financial thing...that everything is great.
Maybe Mark's life really is amazing. He's just broadcasting it to you now to make you jealous (in spite. It's true. I've tried badmouthing my love (not my bf) before to other people out of sheer anger. lol) or try to persuade you to come with him to live that life. Either way he still wants you.
BTW, does Mike know who Mark is?
word: rotruct
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