civiljock

3

2010-06-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

So I was a little naughty....

When Mike and I were together we spent a lot of time hanging out with another couple; Mike knew them through his ex, I knew them through Mike. They're great guys. Attractive, educated, funny... I'd have been happy to date either one of them under different circumstances but we were all relationships so hanging out as buddies a couple of times a week was as far as it went. One of the guys from the other couple had often hinted at opening things up... either a swap for a night deal or just having a big orgy all four of us. Mike and I both declined the advances because thats really not what we wanted for our relationship. I prefer a traditional monogamous relationship so the thought of messing around, especially with friends, just spelled disaster and I didn't want to chance it. Even though we made it clear that the orgy wasn't an option, the other couple kept a level of flirtation and made it clear that the opportunity was still on the table. Both of them are more attractive than Mike so I always thought to myself, "what if circumstances were different...."

Well.... now circumstances ARE different and I got me a little taste of what it's like to live selfishly and to check my conscience at the door.

I broke up with Mike on a Wednesday - the following Saturday the other couple had invited me over for dinner. They cooked me an incredible meal, we chatted, got high, a little drunk, and there was never any talk of going out that night. Who was I kidding? I knew when I went over that we'd be staying in and entertaining ourselves but I still pretend that I was a deer caught in headlights when the possibility bacame reality.

Towards the end of the night the conversation started getting really sexual. I felt like they were trying to get me to make a move and signal that it was ok to play, but they weren't overly forward and I couldn't tell if I was misreading the situation because of the hash iced coffees and the gin and sodas. When one pulled out a bottle of lube and started rubbing some it into my hand asking, "doesn't that feel good?" it was clear to me that I wasn't misreading the situation. Finally one of them suggested that we all jerk off together and I said, "I'd be ok with that," and he turned to his boyfriend of 8 years and asked, "would you be ok with that?"... it was unanimous.

We slowly got naked. Taking turns taking off an article of clothing each. Everytime one of us removed something, the other two would watch and we all had these shit eating grins on our faces. The build up took all night and now that we were getting started we took our time getting to the meat and potatoes of the scene. We were still at their dining room table and we got close enough that we could all jerk each other off in a circle. It was pretty hot. The lube came out and we had 3 cocks and 6 hands going to work while we explored the parts of our bodies that we had all been curious about for months but had never seen or touched until now.

I made the next bold move. While we were jerking each other off I said, "I wonder if this lube is gonna taste bad?" They both looked at me with these, "why would you say that?" faces and I answered them by getting on my knees. It was so new and exciting. For the past year the only cock I had touched or tasted was Mike's and at this moment I had two fresh large throbbing dicks served up for me on a silver platter. I started with one and let it into my mouth, really making a point to enjoy every inch of it. I stroked it, sucked it, rubbed his thighs, balls... all while his boyfriend watched. It was new for me to be with two guys at the same time, especially two guys that have been together forever and are in love, so I did the honourable thing: I switched and started sucking the other. This one was bigger and thicker and it was attached to the hotter guy so I stayed here for a little longer letting him go as deep as I could take him until my eyes started to water.

I stood up and both of them went down. I was my turn to get sucked now and I had two eager mouths to feed. It was almost as though they were fighting for my cock. Both were licking it at the same time and then one would swallow it and the other would try to grab it from him and do the same. I didn't mind. Fight it out boys. I didn't care whose tongue was on it or whose hands or whose spit. All I knew was that it felt great and I felt great having two hot guys on their knees in front of me worshipping my dick.

We moved to the bedroom.

One of the guys started fucking his boyfriend while I laid back and made him suck my dick some more. The traditional relationships that I've tried to maintain made tag teaming a guy with his boyfriend a little foreign to me but I'm not going to complain. Whenever the middleman's ass got ploughed really hard he'd moan and that would translate to new vibrations on my shaft. He was the bitch and he was loving it. His boyfriend had his hands on his hips, guiding his cock deep into his ass, while I had my hands on his head, guiding my dick down his throat.

We switched postions and I was now fucking him while he blew his boyfriend. The boyfriend and I kept making eye contact and he had this animal look in his eyes that was somehow degrading to the middleman. It seemed to say, "Ya... fuck him," as though he wanted to put him in his place and he enjoyed seeing another guy steal pleasure from his boyfriend's ass.

The middleman said he was getting close so I pulled out and laid on the bed positioning myself where they were both towering above me. Where I could get soaked. The top came first, blowing his seed all over my dick and abs. I was concerned that he would be a little weirded out now that his libido was gone but it was the opposite. He rubbed his warm cum into my cock, up my abs and all over my chest while he licked my neck and ears. Watching this, the bottom came next, a huge load that drenched me from my pelvic to collar bones. Neither of them lost interest and they kept touching me and spreading their juice over my body. I was third - shooting a massive load that hit me in the face and oozed over my body. Both of them were very verbal while I came. "Holy shit!" "Fuck ya!" then they swirled some of my jizz with theirs and we stopped.

We chuckled and I looked down at my vandalized body and asked politely for a shower. They joked suggesting I had to go home with their remains on me but of course they let me wash off. We poured a drink, shot the shit for another 30 minutes, then I went home. The next Thursday night they had me over for "drinks".

Possibility

2010-06-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

Well.... Mike is out of the picture. Well... not really out of the picture seeing as I dumped him a few days ago but I am out of that relationship and it's time that I bask in the possibility of being a hot young gay guy in a liberal and vibrant city.

The relationship had huge problems. High highs, low lows, and lots of them. I seemed to have lost my individuality through dating him. I was less of a person, less assertive, less independent, untrusting, paranoid.... I knew he was off and I found out through my own Nancy Drew skills that he maintained a double life and had an entire online cyber sexual world. I uncovered all of this, hacked his password, saw his correspondence with other men, the photo exchanges, the webcam account, dirty talk not to mention the meetups which I don't know how many there were and how often it happened but it would be naive to assume there were none.

OVER

I caught him on manhunt.net at the start of May because I was tipped off by my ex Paul, the same ex who used to live with Mike, the same ex who warned me that Mike is the best liar you would ever meet. I brought it up to Mike, we almost broke up, I decided to give a second chance (I say second but it was really like a 14th chance) and then I uncovered more and more and found that his online sex world never even stopped for a day after our discussion. He knew what the consequences were for me discovering further inappropriate online interractions with local men, he chose to chance it anyways, I found every little dirty message and photo and ended it without hesitation over the phone.

I've been away from this blog for a long time and I don't know if it's cuz my life was more secure, or less secure, if I was happier or unhappier but it seems that once the drama starts to go up, so does my presence here. I don't even want to discuss Mike any further. I'm just exhausted with the whole thought of him.

I've never really been single for long and now it's time for me to focus on me. Be selfish. Be independent.

There is a world of possibility out there for me and I'm looking at this as a time to embrace my potential rather than mourn and grieve what didn't work out.

Cuffed

2010-01-23T08:32:00.001-08:00

So Mike is a pretty vanilla guy. Sex is great with him, but it's usually a routine of making out, then grouping each other's cocks, then mutual sucking, anal, and clean up. It's a hot, fun, sexy cycle, but it's predictable. I, on the other hand, tend to prefer some extra spice from time to time. I've been trying for a while to get him to open up and let me know what sort of things get him going and the furthest I've gotten was putting a football jersey and a jockstrap on and letting him fuck me wearing that. Fun, different.... not necessarily kinky.

So a few days ago I suggested we go into a gay sex shop in Toronto's village. I wanted to browse the toys and costumes and see what sort of things got his motor running. A lot of our interraction was laughing at the shock of some of the things there. Things like someone using a dildo that is thicker than my calf, dogs masks, electroshock toys etc... but there were two things that caught Mike's eye briefly but I noticed the catch and took careful notes. The first was a restraint contraption that binds a guy's hands behind his back, and the second was a pair of see through mesh underwear. Perfect. I could work with those two things.

I put my handcuffs in my bag and headed over to Mike's, stopping at the sex shop on the way to buy the sexy underwear. He was stilll at work and I was going to surprise him when he got home. I took my things up to his apartment and started getting ready. I stripped down and put the mesh briefs on which made me instantly hard because I have to admit - they looked fuckin hot! My ass, my dick... everything faintly covered and just begging to be touched. Next I took a necktie and wrapped it around my eyes, blindfolding myself. I figured that if he and I could look each other in the eye and see the amusement/arousal it might turn it into a silly thing rather than a sexy one, so by blocking my vision it gave him a level of anonymity to indulge with some privacy. Finally, I handcuffed my wrists behind my back, totally restraining myself and removing any level of control. I plopped myself facedown on his bed and waited for him to come home.

After 10 minutes or so I heard the lock turn at the door. I could hear him come in, take off his coat, throw down his keys, put away his shoes, toss the mail on the coffee table. Everything was normal until he opened the bedroom door and said, "Holy Shit!" I could hear the smirk on his face as he exhaled but his libido must have gone from 0-100 in 0.5 seconds. The next words out of his mouth were "Look at that ass!" then he positioned himself above me and spanked it. It was shocking. I couldn't see anything and I didn't expect it so soon, but it was hot to know that he was into it and going to rough me up.

He undressed. I don't know how much he took off but I could hear clothes hitting the floor. He kept his belt in his hand though cuz I could hear him pull it together and snap it a couple of times. He wanted me to know that I was getting a lashing and I was just happy that I wasn't going to have to ask for it. I was nervous. At first it was just a thought idea that I would be restrained and blindfolded but now I was excited. I actually had no idea what was coming and I had no power to stop whatever it was. I felt the belt flick against my thighs. It was gentle. I didn't make a sound. Next it slashed me again, a little harder. It still didn't hurt but I shifted perking my ass in the air and gave a little moan to start to get him going. He spanked me a couple more times. Each slap on the same spot making the sting more intense with each hit. I winced and twitched so he could see the muscles in my back flexing at the pain of his touch. I knew he was getting so hot but he said, "Give me a control word." I just said, "Go fuck yourself!"

That got him going and I loved it. He whipped me a lot harder after that and I screamed. He whipped again, and again, and then I caught the belt in my hands behind my back. I struggled and he tried to get the belt away from me, I wouldn't let go so he whipped me with the other end - the buckle. "I'm sorry. I promise I'll do whatever you ask. Just please stop hurting me." He got off the bed and came back a few seconds later with a bandana that he tied around my head at my mouth. He gagged me, told me to shut up and wait for him, then he jumped into the shower. I didn't want to make it that easy for him so I started to try to escape. I rolled out of the bed and he could hear that I wasn't obeying. By the time he got out of the shower I had crawled to the bedroom door and was trying to turn the handle with my shoulder. "What the fuck are you doing?" then he grabbed my arms and lifted me back onto the bed. I got spanked for my disobedience.

He was naked now and I could feel the water from the shower still beaded on his body. He was pinning me facedown on the bed with his naked body and he grinded his cock into my ass and rubbed me down with his hands. I could hear his deep breaths in my ear as he grabbed my neck and pushed my face into the pillow. He spanked me a few more times as I thrased and tried to kick him off, then he spit on my ass, spanked me again, got right into my ear, and said, "Enough."

I stopped fighting back and I could feel him pull the bottom of my briefs aside and start playing with my hole. He was spitting on it, getting it nice and slippery. I knew what was coming next. I could hear him open a condom and squirt some lube and before I knew it he was pushing the head of his cock into my ass. He didn't go slow and he wasn't gentle. He thrust his whole dick into my body and I thrashed some more at this new feeling. I knew that turned him on the most. That this big strong guy was bound and gagged on his bed, writhing in pain inflicted from his manhood. He slipped it out, almost all the way, then rammed it all the way back in, grunting as he thrusted into my ass.

He made me get on my knees, face down ass up, and he continued to greedily pound my hole. His hands were on my hips and he was aggressively pulling my body towards him while he quickly forced his towards mine. The spanks continued and I could hear his breathing getting heavier. The sound of his thighs slapping my cheeks blended in with the spanks, and it was just a dirty song of flesh hitting flesh. He pullled out and spit on my ass a few more times. I couldn't see what was happening but I could tell he was taking in the sight of my felxing ass at his touch. The breaths, the firm grips on my ass, the globs of spit hitting my hole - he was worshipping my bum.

He flipped me onto my back and put my legs through the cuffs so my hands were now in front of me pulling my thighs to my chest. He entered again without warning but this time it felt great. "You like that you little bitch?" "Fuck ya!" He covered my face with a pillow and just ploughed me without mercy until I could feel his body tighten, his breaths get faster and louder, he dick probe deeper and longer, and finally his moans as he unloaded in my ass. I could feel some sweat dripping on my chest from his face and he allowed me a few post orgasm pumps before he took it out, said "I'm done with you," left the room and shut the door.

Work, Party, Sleep, Repeat

2010-01-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in postings (funny how I say "sorry" as though people actually care. I must be a real hot shot if I have to apologize for not dishing the deets about what I've been up to) but I've just been busy as hell.

I went to Jamaica for a wedding at the start of December. That week was fun, a whirlwind of booze and weed and sun and not enough sex considering Mike and I had to room with a girl. All in all it was a good trip but considering my shitty financial situation - I wish I could take it back.

After Jamaica it has just been work, party, sleep, repeat.

I think I've discussed my family issues before, but as a quick recap, here's the gist. My mom is an absolute angel. My dad is a gambling addicted, verbally abusive alcoholic who thinks that the best way to make himself look good is by trying to make everyone else around him look like shit. Naturally - Christmas was a real treat. My dad was drunk by 1, the first curse attack on my mother in Croatian came at 2 when she wanted to reset the table, the first insult to my mother's brother's came by 6, more insulting of my mom in front of her family at 8, a big verbal fight between my brother and father by 10, at 11 we were all lined up and told everything he hated about us, at 11:01 my brother and I both went crazy, told him what we thought of his life, my brother threatened to kill my dad, my father threatened to kill my brother, by 11:30 my mom, my brother and I were huddled in my bedroom crying, me on the phone with my bestfriend/exgirlfriend Katie for support, by midnight we noticed that my dad was gone... and I still haven't seen him since.

The 25th was a turkey dinner for 2, just my mom and I, and by the 26th I had to come back to the city to get some normalcy back into my life. That was probably the first time that heading to my condo downtown was classified as "going home". Normally, heading to my parents' for dinner is going home but now it's just a broken home and we've all been playing too stupid to see how broken it's been our whole lives. Fight then fix then pretend to be happy again - middle class suburbia's best kept secret to keeping up with the Jones'.

I've been told that my parents are separating. Apparently they've discussed how it's going to happen and the arrangements that must be made. I'll believe it when I see it. My mom should have left my dad about 20 years ago. Since then she's discussed how unhappy she is, how much she has missed out on by being with him, and all the millions of excuses of why it's not a good time to leave him. We've been down this road so many times and nothing ever changes. When I can sit and discuss the worst Christmas on record with the same emotional attachment one has when picking their nose - it's safe to say that there's no hope. No hope for rehabilitation. No hope for change.

After Christmas came a low key New Years which was pretty fun and now just back to the regular cycle. Work, party, sleep, repeat....

Is this me?

2009-11-15T19:14:00.001-08:00

I'm looking in the mirror of a vanity in a hotel room in Toronto and I see a half drunk 23 year old with a rolled up $20 bill hanging out of his nostril bending over about to snort his first line of cocaine. Is this me?

It's not a scene that I would plan to find myself in, but the night played out, an opportunity was there, and I made the mistake of making the wrong decision. I don't want to say the "wrong" decision, but a decision based on curiosity and spontaneity, and a decision made while fuelled on vodka and adrenaline.

The Hulks came to Toronto. One of them just turned 40 and Mike planned his lavish surprise birthday party at Ultra to celebrate the milestone. We had two booths in the club, 100 appetizers, a professional two tiered cake from a wedding cake boutique, bottles of vodka, champagne, and Jagermeister, all dressed up and no expenses spared. We felt like high rollers that night and the illusion of glamour took me out of my attempts to be tame and put me into rock star mode. The birthday boy (birthday man I guess...) loved the party and the surprise and everything that was there for him, but since he didn't know there was a party, he didn't bring his party supplies - drugs. He asked Mike and I to go to his hotel and get them for him to make the night complete. I should have said no but I didn't want Mike going on his own so I went with him.

He gave us a list - E was in the Tylenol bottle, GHP was in the eye dropper, Speed in the pescription sleep aid... they were completely stocked. We grabbed the things he asked for and then we poked around out of curiosity. We looked at the steroids and the supplements to go with them, rifled through half a dozen other bottles and vials with no idea what they held inside, and then when we unscrewed a make-up jar we found it full of white powder. I had never seen cocaine in my life and guessed that's what it was, so Mike tasted a little bit and confirmed my suspicions. He's had a few minor experiences with it but though they were enough for him to know how to identify it. He looked at me and said, "do you feel like trying it?" with a smirk on his face. I should have had the restraint to say no and just go back to the club but curiosity and a buzz got the better of me.

Mike scooped out a little mound with his key and then cut it up into two lines with the hotel key card. He asked me for a $20 bill, rolled it up and then siphoned the cocaine into his brain. I didn't really hesitate though I was nervous, I grabbed the $20 and did the same. I was a waiting for it to kick in with this feeling of giddiness. I did something naughty and had a dirty little secret and it was exciting. It sobered me up fast. Almost as though I hadn't even had a drink that night. I felt sharp, focussed, and quite frankly didn't give a shit. We hopped into another cab, tucked the bottles into our socks, and then went back to the club.

After delivering the stash to the Hulks, they popped out a pill and offered it to Mike. It was speed. They told us that half a pill would be enough so Mike bit in it half and gave the other half to me. I swallowed it. I normally walk on tip toes around drug use because it's so taboo and users are seen as degenerates, but that night I just threw caution to the wind and dabbled in two substances that I thought I'd live a lifetime without touching. I do remember one thing though. I felt great and the only thing I wanted at that moment was another line. We didn't bring the cocaine to the club so I was calculating how I'd get another taste.

We decided to go to a gay dance club that stays open until 6am, and we needed to stop at the Hulks hotel again before going. I didn't mind the detour in the slightest because I knew it would lead to another hit. We did some more coke in the bathroom and headed out to dance. I didn't have a care in the world and, unlike being drunk, I felt hyper-conscious and super-aware. At the club, Mike told me to make out with the birthday man. Even though I find him repulsive I went for it and then made out with the other Hulk right after. It turned me on - not the kiss - but having my boyfriend watch me doing something sexual with another man. Coming out of the Mark days with the cheating and the secrets and everything, I have this self administered devotion to monogamy and in maintaining a traditional and committed relationship. That certainly wasn't practicing what I preach and I was annoyed that the euphoria opened me up to activities outside of my set of morals. Though at the time, I didn't care.

We left the club and headed back to the Hulks hotel with a stranger that they picked up and did a couple more lines. There were 5 of us in the hotel room, everyone flying on something, loving life and feeling hot. I knew the guys were going to have a threesome and what turned me on even more was that I knew they wanted to make it a party of 5. Mike and I were leaving the hotel room and the birthday Hulk joked that he though that we were going to be his birthday gift. I considered it. I didn't say anything to Mike in the moment but in my head I thought a testosterone dripping orgy with 5 guys was the best idea at the time. We didn't stay. Thank God we didn't stay, but Mike didn't entertain the idea, laughed it off and confirmed that we were leaving.

We got to Mike's place around 5am and laid in his bed, talking and touching each other until the sun came up. We didn't sleep at all. The drugs had worn off and I felt like keeping the buzz going but we had nothing and it wasn't an option. We started to talk about regret. We both felt like it was an irresponsible and out of character decision. I told him about the feelings I had - being turned on having him watch me kiss someone else and that I had considered staying for the orgy - he wasn't too bothered. He was glad I told him and pointed out that thinking something and doing something are very different. We agreed that the states of mind we get on hard drugs are dangerous and that if we ever do them again, not that we want to, but if we do, we will only do it together.

I went to the bathroom to get ready to leave by 10am and the room was swaying, I was pale, my pupils were dilated, and I felt this sick pang of guilt in my stomach. Looking back I asked myself - Is this me?

Casting

2009-10-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

First and foremost... I completed my second marathon! My goal was 3 hours and 30 minutes but I fell a little short and crossed at 3 hours and 37 minutes. I could have beat my goal. I know I can go under 3:30 but there was one issue that slowed me down. It wasn't my legs. It wasn't my lungs. It wasn't the cold or mental exhaustion. It was the shits! As embarrassing as it is I have to admit I had to take two trips off the course to settle my rumbling belly. The sharp stomach pains combined with the minutes wasted sitting in a Porta-Potty are definitley what slowed me down under the 3:30 mark. I'm still proud of myself. I beat my last marathon by 11 minutes but it would have been nice to reach my goal, or to at least have something better to blame than the shits.

So... On to the other exciting news... I've been discovered! Well it's not as glamorous as it sounds but I have been in touch with a talent agent and I have a second meeting with him this Wednesday to go over the paperwork and take a few photos. It was all petty random. Since I'm broke and have been considering prostituion and porn to help get me out of debt, I thought it might me a better idea to check out some random jobs on craigslist. I saw a posting that was for a Christmas advertising campaign for a major Canadian department store. It's looking for four different people, one of which is a young man, aged 18-28 with a big bright smile. In other words - they're looking for me.

I sent them a few pictures and within a few days got a response asking me to come into their office for a meeting. It was weird. I didn't think this would amount to anything and sort of just applied for kicks, but now that they were requesting a meeting and it was becoming more real, I got nervous. I figured I applied for a reason and it would be dumb to chicken out, so I called in, made the appointment, and saw the scout a few days later. The meeting was fairly quick. I brought in a bunch of photos and the guy asked me about my availablity and flexibility with work. It seemed too easy and you know what they say: "If it seems too good to be true then it probably is." But what if it isn't...

It isn't a fashion modelling opportunity - it's for commercial work, print ads, corporate promotions etc... So what if it's legit? Their office is a pretty impressive space in Toronto's ritzy expensive high end shopping area and I doubt that a shady operation could finance that location. Plus they have a very large online community with a professional website, facebook involvement etc... It all seems legit but again - it just seems so easy. I guess it is a superficial industry. It doesn't take a long screening process - someone either has a look and photographs well or they don't, so maybe meeting me, seeing my pictures, and knowing that I have a flexible schedule was enough.

I was still skeptical and the agent wanted me to sign on but I told him to email me the legal papers and that I'd look things over and get back to him. Everything in the legal checked out. I had a lawyer look it over and they said it was a very standard and basic contract. It's also written in that I could leave the agency with two weeks notice and that the contract did not bind me to any set length of time.

So what the hell? I'm going for it. I applied to that posting for a reason that day and the fact that this opportunity presented itself just seems to feel right for where I am in this crossroads of life right now. If it doesn't pan out - so what? If it gets me some work and some extra cash - well hey girl hey that's great! Any opportunity turned down is an opportunity lost and I'm young and open to any sort of new opportunities that come my way.

I'm here.

2009-10-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. I've just been really busy. It's weird to say that - that I've been busy yet I don't really have much to show for it, but there is rarely a second in my day that isn't accounted for.

Mike and I are going strong. We have this weird up and down relationship where we either seem madly in love, or we're down each other's throats (and not in the sexual sense). It's usually me down his throat because he does stupid things obliviously and I get ticked off, but we kiss, make up, screw, laugh, party, and all is well again until his next blind fuck up. He's made a lot of progress though and I'm really happy with the growth we've had a as a couple. There was a time where I was thinking that we wouldn't last another week but we'd have some very serious conversations and get back on track. There are times where I question our general compatibility based on personality types: He's selfish and I'm needy - he can be obnoxious but I'm sensitive - he's a giant flirt and I have giant trust issues. Those are some pretty conflicting basics but we're both willing to meet halfway. I'm trying to loosen up, not take things personally, and let down the guard (I don't even want to get into the guard I'm learning I have now thanks to the Mark fiasco but that's another story) while Mike is trying to be more mature, understanding of my needs and not just his, and conscious of his behaviour with other guys. It's challenging and we both can improve, but things are getting so much better.

I'm in a financial mess still. After the bachelor party I threw, the wedding in Halifax, the trip to Miami, the super chic champagne birthday I threw for my roomate/ex-girlfirend/best friend Katie, and the trip to Jamaica I booked with Mike in December, I'M BROKE. I totally understand the problem here. I'm living luxuriously but I'm living on a waiter's income. The lifestyle and the job don't really balance out, hence the maxed out credit card, the late bill payments, and a general "Oh shit..." whenever I think about my bank balance. Work is picking up though (God bless the Toronto Maple Leafs) and hopefully I am debt free January 1st.

Mark - oh yes.... he's still raising a ruckus. He's moved to Toronto! When I got the news a while back I was pissed because when I broke up with him I proposed a compromise. I proposed that he move to Toronto, we live separately, and work on the relationship and see if being in the same city could get things back to where they needed to be. Well he shut that idea down and said that he had no interest in coming here unless we lived together. He told me that the only reason he would come to Toronto would be to take us to the next level and that if we weren't living together, he would just live in London. So I left him, a few days go by, and he decides to move here. I was pissed. I don't know his motivations, I can only hope that they were for the right reasons and had nothing to do with either winning me back or making my life hell - both of which are things I wouldn't put past him.

Mark and I went a month without bumping into each other and then a few nights ago it happened. We were out at the bar and I saw him on the patio and asked Mike to go inside so I could talk to him. He was calm and very positive which was good, though things were definitely awkward. He asked me "So where's your boyfriend?" and I knew instantly that his reason for being so calm was that he hadn't found out about Mike yet. I thought for sure that he would have heard about Mike and I through the grapevine by now but apparently not. I'll admit - it was a douchebag move. I left Mark for my best bud that I would hang out with while we were in separate cities. Our complicated history put me in a place where I was vulnerable to falling for someone else but still, it's going to sting Mark when he finds out, and had he found out already, I'm sure he would have had a lot more to say than "So where's your boyfriend?" He also made a point of telling me that he's changed his number and deleted mine, that he's partying non stop, and that his life is just AMAZING! People who are that happy and secure in their lives never have to broadcast it. I genuinely want him to be happy and if he is - great - if he isn't - well I'm sure this is just one of the steps of getting there.

I finished my marathon. I can honestly say that it was the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. The reason I'm so proud of it is that it was completely self motivated. It took endless hours of training, it took discipline, it was exhausting physically and mentally, and it isn't something that many people can say they've done. It's a feat - and it's one that I achieved without being responsible or accountable to anyone but myself. Success or failure was only for myself, and it was something to be accomplished by myself. The exhilaration of people cheering for me, the comaradery between runners, the excitement and energy of the event was so overwhelming that I was reduced to tears multiple times during the run. Each time I would compose myself but it wouldn't take long to see a father running, waving at his son holding a sign saying "Daddy you're my hero", before I would well up and my vision would become blurry again. When I crossed the finish line and heard Mike cheering for me, then I turned and saw my mom and dad and Anna waving in excitment, I had to turn and walk away from them. I was so drained and mentally spent that if I went towards them I would have completely broken down. I finished in 3h 48min. It was so inspiring that I actually have another marathon scheduled for this Sunday. After running my first marathon I have a few things that I know I should have done differently, so having that experience under my belt has pushed me to set my sights on 3h 30min.

Architecture school applications are due in January and I'm coming to the harsh realization that I'm not getting in. There is really only one school that I can get into and that's on the assumption that they'll accept someone on the borderline. It's a competitive program and borderline is not going to cut it. This is a tough Masters program and my Undergrad didn't provide me the creative and artistic skillset I need to compete with people coming from other backgrounds. Maybe the school will see my strong technical knowledge of structural concepts as a large asset and view me as adding breadth to their student body, but I think I just don't have the chops to compete. Yet. As well as coming up with this application I am also working on my plan B which is what I'm going to have to do to catch up, learn new design skills, and get myself competitive for the next round of applications.

There's a lot going on - a lot of uncertainty - a lot of change - but I'm trying to look at each of my challenges and opportunities as exciting. I can be overwhelmed or I can be inspired. I can be buried under the pressure or I can push through it all and claim the life I want. It's gut check time and I know that there are going to be setbacks but there are also successes ahead. I'm trying to stay motivated over and above the bullshit and the distractions - but the bullshit and distractions can just be so damn interesting sometimes.

I'm going to try to keep writing on a more consistent basis. I forgot how therapeudic it is to put this all down and organize the fast paced mish mash I'm going through right now.

The Hulks

2009-08-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Miami The Good

It was beautiful! Amazing weather, scorching hot, incredible hotel, bars, restaurants, food, drinks... I would go back in a heartbeat. It was glamorous and chic and expensive, but we were still able to experience it relatively cheap thanks to the sugardaddies and great restaurant reccommendations.

One place we loved was called The Palace. It's a gay restaurant that has live drag show throughout the day. Sounds fucked up but it was a HUGE attraction. Families, straights, gays... everyone who saw the darg queens couldn't help but stop and watch. They would go out into the streets and stop traffic, get on top of cars, climb trees... absolutely hilarious. In Toronto the drag shows are pretty vulgar and crude but in South Beach it was pure comedy and entertainment and just really friendly and wholesome. The best part about The Palace was the Sunday brunch. For $25 I got a filet mignon and unlimited mimosas. I thought unlimited mimosas would mean they would bring you glass after glass, but instead they brought a bottle of champagne and a pitcher of OJ and they would refresh them both as we emptied them. A group of 6 of us went through 11 bottles by 3 o'clock (when the deal stops) and we couldn't believe that this was unlimited bottle service champagne in South Beach on the main strip with a steak for only $25.

When Mike and I were waiting for our table for brunch I spotted 2 guys from London who now go to school in Fort Lauderdale. We joined their group for the afternoon and they extended an open invitation to us to come visit them anytime we want. They will put us up for free, show us around, feed us... apparently they're amazing hosts and they miss familiar Canadian faces so they want Mike and I to come visit anytime we'd like. We think we're going to take them up on the offer sometime in the winter when we need a break from the weather.

Miami The Bad

After arriving and gawking at the palm trees and the lush hotel and the total lavishness of South Beach - there was no bigger buzz kill than meeting out financiers for the first time. They met us in their speedos and greeted Mike with big hugs and kisses. I wanted to puke - first of all get your hands off my boyfriend - second of all - you're gross. I was so put off by meeting them and their steroids but what could I do other than be nice and just let everything go. They're shelling out mega bucks for us to be there and as shitty as it was I felt obligated.

So we hit the beach with them and Mike is chilling on a lounger when all of a sudden one of the Hulks climbs over him and kisses his face for no reason other than he wanted to. Fuck off! I pulled Mike aside a few minutes later and was like, "What the fuck was that?" Mike assured me that there was nothing to worry about, that they're just really affectionate, but I told him I didn't give a shit. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to see someone else touch my boyfriend and I didn't want it to happen again. I told him he had to pick my side. Either Hulk is going to be disappointed he can't grope Mike, or I'm going to be uncomfortable that he's rubbing those brutish hands all over him. He can't satisfy everyone so I told him he has to satisfy me. So here's how he handled the next incident....

We're at the bar and Hulk grabs Mike's face and kisses him on the lips! At which point Mike says, "Be fair, Ryan gets one too." I couldn't believe it. He grabbed my face and planted those collagen filled suckers right on me. I flinched and squirmed away and Hulk was unsatisfied so he gave me another. I couldn't believe it. I thought he would sense my body language and back off but he just got right in there even more. On the one hand I was glad that Mike made an effort to address the attention they were giving him but I think he misunderstood me. I wanted the affection to stop, I didn't want a piece for myself.

Why wasn't Hulk's boyfriend there at the time to witness this you ask... well he didn't come out with us that night because he was out having sex with someone he met on the beach that afternooon. I couldn't believe it when Hulk kissed his boyfriend goodbye and said, "Have fun." The boyfriend left at midnight, and came home at 8am, the whole time with another guy he had just met. It made me sick to my stomach.

There were so many beautiful people in South Beach - perfect bodies everywhere - and there were times when I was getting pissed because Mike was checking out and discussing other guys with Hulk right in front of me. Sure these people are hot, I can see them too, but there is no need to drool, there is no need to introduce yourself to them (Mike actually introduced himself to someone else and I raged about that when we got to Toronto). It just made me wonder what Hulk would have encouraged out of Mike if I wasn't there. Clearly monogamy is something Hulk doesn't participate in so I have no doubt that he would have encouraged Mike meeting new people if I wasn't around. I thought meeting these guys would have made me comfortable with their friendship and I thought it would have made me comfortable with Mike seeing them alone but it was completely the opposite.

That all being said, it didn't ruin the trip or anything. Incidents were isolated and dealt with. By the end of the trip the guys seemed nice enough and I think they got a better understanding of our relationship and that Mike and I handle our sex life differently than they do. In the future I think they would consider where I'm coming from and what my limits are. They were friendly and generous and fun, but some of thier decisons are not decisions I would make for myself. We had a really good time, and while the Hulks were different and there were moments of discomfort, I understood them by the end of the trip and I don't think they wish anything but the best for Mike and I.

I'm going

2009-08-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Short and sweet... I'm going to Miami.

I found out that Mike has hooked up with one of the guys we're going with which ups the level of inappropriateness of him going solo - and believe me I made this issue very clear to him. I don't know the circumstances of the hook up - the two guys we're going with are a couple but Mike has only hooked up with one, and the other knows, but when I asked how that came about he told me it didn't matter and evaded the question. This situation is fucked and uncomfortable and Mike actually told them that I'm uncomfortable meeting them which makes it even more fucked and uncomfortable.

There is so much pretense now for this trip but who cares? These muscle daddy sugar daddies who probably wanted to gang bang my boyfriend have now upgraded their room to a two bedroom suite at the luxurious Delano Hotel, and Mike and I are not paying a cent for accommodations. If they think they can swoon my man with food, drinks, drugs, sunshine, ritzy hotel suites, and muscle... they have another thing coming. If they want to swoon him, they have to swoon me first, but I can't be bought - I just enjoy the perks of them trying.

I sound a little psychotic (probably because it's almost 3am and I'm exhausted) but fuck it! I scored myself a 5 star free ride to Miami and I'm going to enjoy every second of my posh protective possessiveness.

I'm going to see Britney Spears tomorrow night in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, then heading straight to the airport after the show for beautiful Miami, Florida, USA.

Boooo yaka!

Miami

2009-08-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

So Mike and I are officially "boyfriends" and have been since July 21st. It's going well so far, we're both having a blast and I'm really excited but one of the issues I have is that he tries to make me jealous. Here are a few of the all star amazing comments he's made in the past little while.

1) You probably don't want to hear this but my ex makes $520,000 a year.

2) I was approached by so many guys tonight - you should be flattered.

3) It's funny when I go out without you and you're stuck at work wishing you could be out and you worry about me.

What the fuck? Those are all douchebag comments that should never have been vocalized. I'm starting to think that he likes having a jealous, possessive boyfriend, and he interprets me reacting to his fun as me caring for him. I'm too easy going for that. I call him on it every time but he reads my reaction how he wants to. Take the rich ex for example. I don't care how much money he makes, good for him, what bothers me about that comment is that Mike assumed it would piss me off, he even said "you probably don't want to hear this", but he told me anyways! I care that he obviously cares about finances and status and that is what concerns me.

So anyways... yesterday I'm at work and I get a text from Mike. This is the exact thread:

Mike: Remind me to ask u a question tonight when I see u ok!

Ryan: I'm intrigued. You can't ask now?

Mike: My friends Kevin and Michel invited me down to their place in Miami next weekend. I wanted to run it by you. If you would prefer I didn't go, I wouldn't. But you have nothing to worry about.

Mike: Thoughts?

Ryan: Go for it. Should be fun.

Mike: No I wanna know if u are ok with it

Ryan: It's natural that I would be uncomfortable but I trust you.

Mike: R u sure?

Ryan: Ya it's fine

Mike: I'm not going. I don't wanna make u upset.

Mike: Don't hate on me. I'm not going to go anymore.

Ryan: Lol. Mike, let's talk in person. You're clearly misinterpreting my messages.

Mike: Okay.

So. For starters these friends of his are hot jacked rich guys. They're a couple, but that means nothing in this slutty gay world and I don't know if Mike has ever hooked up with them, but who in their right mind would be comfortable with their boyfriend taking off to Miami to stay and party and do drugs with muscle daddies? Muscle daddies I haven't even met yet..... He knew it would bother me, he knew I wouldn't be for it, and I think he pulled me directly into the decision making process as a passive aggressive way to make me responsible for his fun. I didn't want to play that game so I texted that I trust him and he can make his own decisions. I don't think any of my texts showed that I was pissed, but I guess he got that from the common sense that what he was intending to do for the weekend was completely inappropriate.

We spoke about it, we fought about it, eventually it wasn't even about Miami anymore, it evolved into a discussion about game playing, and jealousy, and how I felt like he was cornering me into a position where I felt guilty for holding him back to the point where I would urge him to go to ease my guilt. I hate that. Urging someone to do something I don't want them to do, just so I don't feel guilty for not supporting them. It's unfair and I felt like he was exploiting that to get me to agree to this trip, so we argued.

Well what happens later that night?.... we were at dinner and this Kevin character texts Mike and asks if I wanted to come to Miami with them. Fuck. I sort of wish he just committed to going when I texted him that it was ok, then I would have to deal with my decision. Now, I'm just dealing with more drama and bullshit over Mike making this decision. So I felt like Mike said something about me not supporting the trip and they invited me to shut me up. I asked if that was true and Mike said that he didn't say anything to them. Now what?

I'd loooove to go to Miami but the money is an issue plus I'm working the weekend and I have to get it off. And what if I can't get it off now? Will he still go? Does he even want me to come or is this a pity invite? Such a small issue has now been expanded into this complex bullshit.

I say fuck it. I'm going to try to get it off work and if I do, I'm going! I'll worry about the money later. If it was a pity invite - who cares - I'll be pitiful on the beautiful beaches of Miami.

Did I handle this the wrong way? Am I out of line\too protective? What do we think?

Wedding

2009-08-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

My best friend got married this past Saturday in Halifax and I have to say my 5 days involved with the festivities were probably the best 5 days of my life. It was nothing but joy. Happiness, laughing, friends, family... there were no problems or cares in the world - only celebration - for 5 straight days.

I was the best man so this month I have been really busy organizing the bachelor party, travel plans, my speech etc... but I have to say, and I know I'm tooting my own horn, I did a fantastic job! As best man there are 3 major duties. 1- Throw a kick ass bachelor party 2- Write the best speech of the night 3- Be the drunkest guy at the reception. Well.... check check check!

The bachelor party was incredible. Just a really good night, with a really good bunch of guys, lots of booze, strippers, weed.... but no body crossed any lines and the fun was tasteful and harmless. I got a lap dance from a busty blonde and I have to say - the softness of her skin and the smell of her breasts were really hypnotizing - I wanted to ask her her secrets. The groom had a great night, I brought Mike to the event and introduced him to all of my straight guy friends and everyone had a blast.

My speech? It was incredibly difficult to start writing it. I know Darren in a completely different way from how his parents and relatives know him. The stories that Darren and our friends wanted to hear would have offended the 40+ audience, but the stories that the 40+ people were interested in would have bored the young people. Also, I was instructed to keep myself in the closet so I couldn't bring up his support in my coming out, or his horror stories at some of the bars I've convinced him to go to.... there were a lot of expectations and a lot of limitations on where I could go with the speech so I had no idea how to approach it. So I got high.... I smoked up and sat at the computer and what came out went over really well. The crowd was laughing, there were tears, cheers, it had a bit of everything and the onslaught of praise afterwards made me feel great. It wasn't even just a casual "good job" in passing - people I had never met were approaching me, shaking their heads with big smiles, shaking my hand and telling me that I did a "phenomenal job". Such a relief.

Drunkest at the party? Probably not the drunkest but definitely the ring leader. After the typical scheduled dances, people were needing a little encouragement to get onto the dance floor so I grabbed one of the bridesmaids and took center stage. Completely unplanned and unprompted, we broke into a dance extravaganza that involved spins, lifts, shakes and thrusts and then ended with a classic move involving me taking a running start and sliding through her legs, belly down on the dance floor. The circle around us burst into cheers and like a typical movie, they crowded in after our move and the party really got a kick start. Later in the night I took my underwear off under my kilt and Darren threw them in the ocean, I tried to help a drunk 62 year old woman walk and she ended up pushing me down the hill face first, our shuttle back to the city hit a raccoon prompting the bus full of passed out drunks to start screaming like banshees - the whole night was a gong show. The classiest and most extravagant wedding I had ever witnessed yet the best party and most fun night all at the same time.

It was a big expense for me and a lot of work so I'm happy that it's over, but the memories of my 6 days in Halifax are some of my fondest and I'll be reliving them for a long time to come.

(There is more Mark bullshit going on that I'll try to get into in my next post. The story of our break-up and Mike and everything is a bit disjointed so I'll try to get that up to date. Luckily I've been distracted with amazingly fun non-relationship experiences that have kept me distracted during this pending war.)

Drunk Daddy

2009-07-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

My father is a recovering alcoholic. It's been a huge issue in our family for years - the booze leads to gambling, the gambling to huge debt, the debt to stress, the stress to more booze, more gambling, more stress, more booze..... it's a horrible cycle that my family has been dealing with for as long as I've been around.

He's been sober for about the past 9 months. I forget what the trigger was, but of course there was a mega rock bottom event that put him into sober mode. There have been so many mega rock bottom events over the years that they have started to slide off my back and I don't even remember or lose sleep over them anymore. Needless to say - whatever happened 9 months ago - it was enough to turn him around and make the best effort at sobriety he's had yet. Of course these things never last.

Sunday we went golfing. My best friend Darren (he's my buddy who is getting married in August - I'm the best man), my dad, my brother, and I hit the course for a nice day of golf. Seems harmless enough - I figured that it would be a typical wholesome day - but of course in the circus of my life and my family, nothing ordinary ever stays that way.

When the drink cart girl came by on the course and we ordered a round of beers (2 each actually) my dad ordered two for himself. That was weird and it surprised me but I didn't know what to say. He's done so well over the past 9 months, it was a great sunny afternoon, I figured he would be able to handle a drink or 2 and not let it get out of hand. We were having such a fun time that I didn't want to turn things sour by lecturing my dad on the golf course. At the end of the day, he can make his own decisions.

Well this decision was a bad one, because he proceeded to drink a lot more on the course, and when we were done we sat down and split two pitchers of beer. He started heckling people who were teeing off and my brother and I should have read the signs at that point but we were both so drunk ourselves that we let it slide.

My dad was supposed to drive, he was clearly drunk, we didn't stop him. His driving was definitely shaky and Darren reccommended that we pull over to a coffee shop, call his fiance, and she could drive the rest of the way. When we got to the coffee shop, I headed to the bathroom while my dad stood in line for coffee. When I came out of the bathroom, there were two police cruisers in the parking lot beside my dad's car. It was parked in a handicapped space and my dad knew that they were coming in for him so he panicked and tried to convince a worker at the coffee shop to take the fall.

"Excuse me - when the police come in you have to tell them that that's your car. It's parked in a handicapped space and you look handicapped."

I'm not sure why she didn't go for it, but he didn't convince her. The cops came in and started questioning him while Darren and I sat at a nearby table and listened in. Apparently another driver called in and reported us as driving erratically, then they followed us to the coffee shop, identified my dad as the driver, and gave their statement. My dad refused to take a breathilizer, he told them that he was not the driver, and they told him he had two options. Give a breath sample, or be arrested for failing to provide a sample.

At this point Darren, my brother, and I didn't know what to do. Go speak to the officers and possibly implicate ourselves since he said he wasn't driving or risk stepping over his story and implicating him further? Or do we just sit and do nothing and watch them take him away? We chose the second route which we think was smartest - no information is safer - but we had to stand there with our coffees while they cuffed my dad, threw him in the back and took him away.

They impounded my dad's car and then Anna (Darren's fiance) showed up and drove us home. We had to call my mom on the ride back and this was her reaction:

"What? Are Darren and Anna staying for dinner? I didn't take anything out of the freezer. What do they like on their pizza?"

It just goes to show you that with my mom unemployed, the house remortgaged already, and no money to their names - being faced with a long expensive drawn out DUI trial is still not enough to shake her from what matters most: pizza toppings. It's pretty ridiculous but it's true. There was nothing any of us could do to change what happened or what will happen, but we needed to eat and that's all we could really focus on in that moment.

These things don't really surprise us anymore since we've been through this and worse in the past - but it still sucks that he was doing so well, we had a great afternoon, and then everything went downhill because of alcohol. Alcohol is the catalyst for drama and bullshit - this blog is becoming a bit of a testament to that.

Cheers.

Who is Mike and How Did It All Happen?

2009-07-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I've known Mike casually for about two years now but 2009 has been the time of our friendship with obvious sexual tension.

I met him a while ago when he was living with my exboyfriend. We only ever hung out when I would go visit Paul, but this year we have been spending time together more intentionally, and we became friends rather than acquaintances. I was with Mark and was trying to honour that relationship and Mike understood that I was taken, so neither of us really crossed any lines - until recently.

The night of the Much Music Video Music Awards Mike and I had passes to an after party at Ultra - one of those pretentious, exclusive, see-and-be-seen type of places. The party was great, everyone was beautiful and young, Audrina and the Black Eyed Peas were among some of the celebs there (this was the night that Will-I-Am punched that ass hole Perez Hilton) yada yada yada - it was a good night. I had too much to drink, woke up on Mike's couch in the morning, and headed home when he had to leave for work.

Later in the day when we were texting each other he told me that we made out. I didn't remember it at all but he said it happened at the club and then again at his apartment and that he had to try really hard to convince me to stay on the couch. I wasn't surprised that I made out with him seeing as I've been really attracted to him for a long time, we've been hanging out more than Mark and I have, and there was a lot of booze involved - but I was definitely disappointed that I didn't remember it. We tried to do the moral thing and told each other that it wouldn't happen again, but the flirtation got more intense, and occasionally we would reference the make out session with coy grins on our faces. Who were we kidding - continuing to hang out and party together only had one possible outcome - sex.

A couple of nights later I went to watch some friends compete in a flair bartending competition and I invited Mike to come along. Again, a great night, but after the competition we headed out to the village and made out again at the bar. I went home with him again, but this time I did not stay on the couch.

Nothing happened that night, but in the morning, seeing him laying beside me, with his muscular back exposed and his shorts hugging his tight firm bubble butt, I couldn't resist but to start massaging his shoulders, rubbing my cock into his ass, kissing his neck... We were both hard and craving this for months and our whole relationship then changed when I uttered those five words: "Do you have a condom?"

His ass was incredible. Definitely the hottest bum I've ever stuck my cock in. In fact, his whole body seemed to be designed for what I want in a bottom. He's super masculine, he's built and athletic, he's bendy, and he's a lot shorter than me so even though he's built Ford tough, I can still flip him around, pin him down, and take charge exactly how he likes it.

The sex was great which was a bit of a problem. I figured that it would happen once, we would get it out of our systems, then move on - me with Mark and a big secret, and Mike just with the secret. That didn't happen though. The chemistry just made us want to do it again. And so we did. The next night.

We went to a pride party Friday night called "Bootcamp". It was one of those shirts off, fucked up on drugs, party until 7 am type of parties. Not my thing at all and when Francois Sagat started getting his dick sucked by a circle of retarded party goers - I took that as my cue to leave. So Mike and I went back to my place, I gave it to him again, and then had a lot to think about in the morning.

Mark was visiting on Saturday and I had to decide how to handle this whole situation.

Single Again!

2009-07-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

That's right! I broke up with Mark again.

For a little while we had planned to move in together. He would get a job in Toronto, relocate here, we would get a place together, we were on a waiting list for a Great Dane puppy... that's pretty much marriage in the gay world.

Monday night I made out with my friend Mike, Thursday night Mike and I fucked, Friday Mark got the official job offer, Friday night Mike and I fucked again, Saturday Mark came to Toronto to visit, Saturday night it was over. This all occurred over Pride week.

I clearly wasn't into it.

It was comfortable and it felt good that he loves me so much, but after everything we went through, I never regained my trust or respect for Mark. It had to end when it did because I had already checked out of the relationship, and Mark was about to check-in in a major way. Not on the same page - Adios muchacho.

Maybe I'll write extended versions and details of the big events but I don't even know if anyone still reads this blog or cares and I'm just so indifferent to Mark and the whole Ryan/Mark saga now, that it gets draining to re-hash it all.

Let the single life begin!

Yes, I'm still here

2009-06-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

I find that when my life is in shambles my posting rate is much higher than when things are cruising along drama free. It's been almost a month since my last post so I guess that's a good sign. Here's whats up:

Swimsuit Season

Way back in the day in my "Beach Body" post, there was a photo of aussiebum swimtrunks - white with red flowers - that I mentioned I wanted to get. Well I finally got around to buying it and I'm psyched because it looks great on me. It's short so it shows maximum leg which is perfect because after years of running and my recent marathon training - my thighs are pretty much stretching the swimtrunks at the seams. One problem with the swimsuit though - it doesn't have the built in undies which most trunks have so there is a high risk of balls peeking out of the leg when I'm lying down. To battle this I bought a white aussiebum wonderjock speedo type thing (pictured below) to wear underneath the trunks. The breifs keep my balls in check, but I didn't anticipate that it turns clear when wet. I assumed that the swimwear makers would have solved this issue but you can see every detail of every inch of my cock when the suit is wet. Not a big problem since it will be staying under the trunks - but knowing what I know now, I should have bought a black one.

Marathon Training

The marathon is coming up in a few months and it's starting to get really intimidating. I had a 26k run not too long ago and it absolutely kicked my ass and left me feeling like if I can't do 26k easily now, then how will I ever get to 42k? I think the pessimism came from running in the hot sun for over 2 hours, being hungry, thirsty, and completely drained but I convinced myself that I'm on track and I have to stick to it. The day before the big run I went golfing with my family and I drank a LOT, smoked a few cigarettes, and didn't get to sleep until 1:30am - so for me to expect to have an easy time the next morning running 26k was just stupid. My legs are permanently sore now - I can't remember the last time there was no muscle stiffness, joint tightness, or something wrong mith my legs. One of my big fears is that the training for the marathon is going to injure my legs to the point where I can't compete in it anymore.

Bestman

My best friend is getting married in August in Halifax and I'm the best man which is an honour as well as a curse. A curse only because of the work involved and the expectations other people have of me to write an amazing speech and throw an incredible bachelor party. Weddings are a great chance to kick back, let loose, and have a wild time, but when endowed with the responsibilty of giving the biggest speech of the night, the fun takes a backseat and the pressure is turned way up. On top of this the bride's family is keeping me in the closet for the big day which means Mark and I will have to watch how we interract with each other while we're there, maintaining the "friends from university" cover.

Birthdays

I turned 23 on May 31st. I'm not too excited about getting older but it is always fun to celebrate something with friends so of course I had a good time on my day. This year Mark surprised me and actually got me a gift. He made me a card, got me a really nice bottle of wine that I've been eyeballing, and bought us a white-water-rafting getaway in Ottawa in July. This is a lot better than the lump of coal and gonorrhea he gave me last year, and I'm really psyched to go camping and ride the rapids. So butch! His birthday is coming up at the start of July and I'm not sure what to get him. I was thinking of getting us something to do rather than getting him something to have but I can't think of anything. Any ideas?

Did I Hear That Correctly?

2009-05-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Kris Allen?

Sorry Seacrest, can you repeat that?

....

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! I don't know what else to say! I don't understand what the American voting public are basing their decisions on. How can the most original, unique, and diverse artist that American Idol has ever seen lose the title to a so-so-run-of-the-mill-boy-next-door kid? Sure Kris is cute. Yes he has a wholesome appeal. Fine his voice is nice and the acoustic guitar thing has a certain charm in a coffee shop or around a campfire but shove that shit up your ass! Krises can be found in every city of every country around the world yet Adam is a stand alone artist. Coming across someone with his talent is a rare thing and it's beyond me how close to 100 MILLION votes can shut that out.

Was it the gay factor? Probably.
Could there have been religious input? Likely.
Did 12 year old girls with confused little vaginas and tireless repetitious voting over the full four hour window come into play? Definitely.

Adam... this isn't your fault and you know it. Don't be disappointed in yourself or your talent - be disappointed in the incompetent masses who also selected Ruben Studdard as their Idol.

That being said...

Last night's show was out-fucken-standing!

Guests appearances by Queen, Kiss, Cindy Lauper, Queen Latifah, Rod Stewart, Lionel Richie, Jason Mraz, Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas... sorry if I forgot anyone... but that is an outrageous line-up that I have never seen compiled on one stage on prime time tv EVER. Everything about last night's production was spectacular and Kara Dioguardi's up staging of "bikini girl" was just the icing on the cake for me. Brilliance.

Sorry again Adam but hey - look at the bright side. You're not going to have to sing that lame song "No Boundaries".

Lately

2009-05-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Here's what has been happening lately...

Entrapment

Mark passed my silly little test. I created a new msn account, got a few pics of an attactive guy, added Mark to this fake account and then tried to start up some inappropriate conversation. At first I was pissed when he accepted the invitation from an obviously sexual email account and someone he didn't know. I started the conversation with a hello - he asked who I was - I told him I added him from an email he gave me over manhunt or gay.com - he seemed surprised then asked me how I was doing. At this point I was really worried but I was casual and told him that I was taking an exam study break. I told him studying stressed me out and I needed a little relief. He told me that he wasn't looking, so I told him that we should keep in touch and try to get together for some fun another time. He said that he didn't think so and then deleted me. He actually even told the real me about his encounter with the mystery account later in the night. It was a positive sign but it didn`t really change anything. I guess I knew it would be unsatisfying. That was the problem with the plan from the start - he could only lose.

Rob

So Rob finally called me to get together and "set things right" from our last meeting where he told me I was a disingenuous sack of shit to paraphrase. I got a message from him saying that we should finally get together for drinks, and that he apologized for not calling me earlier. He has been busy because he ended up on a reality show so it didn't bother me that the call was months late. I agreed to meet him in the village for drinks at 8, and then I called Mark and told him what my plans were for the night. He was having none of it - he told me the whole thing made him uncomfortable - and I was guilted out of going. I called Rob back and told him that I had to cancel at which point he gave me the "Well let's just leave it at that. I hope you're doing well" and then hung up. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. To go out with Rob would piss Mark off, and cancelling would piss Rob off. Seeing as I'm dating Mark, it was his reaction that I had to protect. I understood though - If Mark was going for drinks with a guy he dated while we were broken up I would stop that meeting at once and make sure he never even thought about trying it again.

The only reason I wanted to see Rob was to get in his good books again. I have a childish need for approval from everyone, so if there is someone that doesn't think I'm a great guy - I can't take it and I will change it. I wanted to have drinks with him to catch up, laugh, flash the dimples, white teeth and captivating green eyes that just scream innocence, and then be on my way. Set things right, make the history a matter of water under the bridge, and then maintain a civil relationship of bumping into one another every now and then at the bar. I achieved the opposite. If I bump into him now, things will be more awkward than ever.

Mother's Day

For Mother's Day our family did a nice little trip. The four of us went golfing in London, then went gambling in Windsor, spent the night at the casino and then went to the Red Wings game in Detroit. It was a fantastic weekend aside from blowing $500 on craps and blackjack, but I had fun in the process. I was really surprised with the hockey scene in Detroit. We got 2nd round playoff tickets for $70 each. That number is crazy to me considering the worst seat in the arena in Toronto for regular season doesn't even go for that little. Playoff tickets in Toronto, if/when the Leafs even make it to the playoffs, would run you $700 if you can find someone who would sell them at a generous rate. I guess it is just a reflection of the two cities. Toronto is buzzing with people, crazy Canadian hockey people at that, where as Detroit is a ghost town. No offense to anyone from Detroit but the place seemed like it had been abandoned in the 60's and anyone walking the streets had ended up there by accident. Comerica park was outstanding though.

Marathon

I've decided that I'm going to run the Toronto Marathon in September and my training schedule started about 3 weeks ago. Nikeplus.com set me up with a plan that coaches me through the proper distances to run everyday to work myself up to being able to complete a marathon. I have to say, this website has been one of the best fitness decisions I've made in a long time. I'm pushing myself harder than I have in a long time. I can feel myself getting faster and my body lasting longer, and I can see effects in the mirror. My parents told me that I look better than they have ever seen me before, in my face and my body, and I have to agree. I look more fresh and toned and I even had the confidence the other day to do my 22k run shirtless so I could soak up the sun and get a head start on my summer tan. The only downside is that my legs are permanently sore but it serves as a constant reminder that I'm working towards a big goal. I started training in the third week of April and I completed a half marathon on May 8th. I have months to go and I know that if I stick to it I will achieve the most difficult fitness goal I've ever set for myself.

Drinks With Paul

2009-04-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've been drinking and have a good buzz as I write this.

It's funny that my last post was about a poem that I found about Paul, and now I'm writing about what happened when I met him for drinks tonight after he called me wanting to catch up.

I met him in Toronto's gay village for a few drinks on a patio to catch up since it had been a few months since we saw each other last. He was wearing a suit, and I'm a sucker for suits so I knew that it was going to be trouble. He does this thing with his eyes. The eye contact we make just sets me on fire and it drives me crazy. I know we won't work together, and I think about how it wouldn't work when I look in his eyes, but it doesn't matter - I can't deny the sparks I see in there and it's intoxicating.

The conversation jumped all over the place. Work, plans for the future, working out, Mark, Paul's ex, world events... the sex we used to have... He started it. He told me how good I looked - that I've come a long way, that I'm more calm and mature, that I was the only guy in the place he even noticed... COME ON! How could he say those things to me. For me to have felt what I felt for him in the past and then have him tell me these things now was torture. And it got worse. We were talking about things we would change about the past, knowing what we know now. He told me that he would have fucked me harder than he did and that we should have had sex in the shower more than the one time we did in the dormitory communal showers. COME ON! He knows I'm with Mark and that it's inappropriate but he says it anyways because he knows I'll let him get away with it, and I'm sure the smile on my face when he says it makes him feel really good.

I hate that I wanted him so badly but I have to admit it. I was burning to be with him.... alone... naked... primal....

We went for ice cream. I got a couple scoops of chocolate ice cream and he got a crazy sundae that he insisted on sharing with me because of the size. We went back to his apartment to finish the ice cream and by this point he was feeding me with the spoon while looking in my eyes, doing that burning eye fucking, and smirking the way that makes me want to lie in bed and submit to him however he wanted. He dropped a little splatter of ice cream on my thigh and instinctively reached over to wipe it up.

That was enough! I grabbed the wrist that was on my thigh and I pulled him into me. He tasted so good. I forgot how his lips felt in mine but the memory came back quickly as we wrestled tongues and explored the familiar but distant territory. I could taste his sundae and his tongue was a little cold but that only lasted for a minute or two. I was hungry for him and every lick, every taste, every suck, was fulfilling a fantasy I had been having for months.

I pulled off my shirt and we went into his bedroom. I could see him admiring my body - remembering how I looked exposed before him, but also curious about the good changes that have happened since. I had spent the day tanning and that only emphasized the new definition I have in my stomach, chest, arms.... He smiled at me and pulled me into him, digging his tongue into my mouth again. His lips moved to my neck and then just under my left ear. It felt so good. His strong grasp pulling me into him and his moist tongue tickling me just right. I was shaking. The tickling and his body and the suit and his lustful agression... I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't see clearly, I don't even know if I was breathing... all I could do was enjoy the connection and ride the wave of ecstacy as he took control of my body the way he used to.

I could feel his cock raging hard through his pants. He started to take off the suit but I only let him remove the jacket. I unzipped his fly and manouvered his cock out of his pants as I dropped to my knees. I remembered what his dick was like but I don't think I ever remember it being this hard. I didn't waste any time. I put it in my mouth and enjoyed the feel of his throbbing member filling my mouth. I was drooling and in seconds his cock was glistening with my saliva as I tasted every inch. His precum was fucking caviar to me... I licked every glob from his big head and swallowed it with pride. He encouraged me with his hands, pulling me into his pelvis, forcing that delicious dick into my throat. I wanted more. I pulled off my shorts and underwear so I was completely naked and exposed for him while he was still in his suit.

"You said you wished that you had fucked me harder didn't you? Well do it. Fuck me as hard as you like."

He didn't say a word. He turned me around and bent me over his bed. I was expecting his cock to start prodding at my hole but I got his tongue instead. He was spanking my cheeks while his mouth savoured my pink, tight ass. He would spit on my hole and then lick it up and dig that pulsating muscle as deep as he could manage. I could feel his saliva dripping down my balls as he frantically lubed me up, preparing me for his meat.

Then it happened. His thick head started rubbing in my crack. Teasing me and getting ready to invade. I couldn't wait. I was pushing my hips back into his because I wanted him in me so badly. His head started to go in and it stung but I wanted him to fuck me so badly that I didn't care. It had been over 2 years and I wanted his cock in my ass, no matter how much it hurt to start. He slid it in and eased it as deep as he could go then stopped. He let me get comfortable and then he grabbed my hips and got ready to pound me.

I could feel his tension in his grip. He was going to tear me apart and I wanted every fucking second of it. He started slowly but it was still rough because he pulled it out as far as he could and then pushed it back in as deep as he could. Each pump got faster and I new that he was enjoying the feel of my ass tightening around his dick. I was chewing on it. Squeezing him as hard as I could as he dipped his dick in my wet hole.

He was fucking me harder now. Pulling out and slamming it back in as fast and deep as he could. His grip got tighter as he thrusted harder. His pevlis was pounding my ass so hard that his hands had to steer me backwards to keep my hole in line for his pleasure. He was grunting and I had to bite the pillow to muffle the sounds of my moaning and wincing at the feel of his dick tearing apart my ass.

I had to make him stop. It felt so good but so bad at the same time. He pulled out and started spanking my ass with his dick. I flipped onto my back and pulled my thighs into my chest. He slid his cock back into me and didn't waste any time before grabbing my ankles for support and ramming my hole again. I ripped his shirt open. I didn't give a fuck about the buttons, I wanted to see his chest sweating while his tie flapped against it and his agressive face cringed with every pump. I didn't even need to jerk my cock. The friction against my stomach and the sheer burning in my groin from wanting him so badly was bringing me closer to climax.

He was merciless with his cock. He took exactly what he wanted and just held me down exactly how I needed to be for him to take it. I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my cock and started pulling on it to make myself explode. The orgasm was so intense and my load blew all over my chest and face. I could taste my own cum on my lips and Paul leaned in and started kissing me, swirling my cum around my lips. He wrapped his arms around my torso and slid his dick into me while he grunted. He got louder and finally erupted in pleasure as he unloaded in my ass. I could feel his ass clenching and his body shaking as my rectum swallowed every drop of his seed.

Our hearts were beating and we were both panting. He pulled out and we went into his shower to clean up. We didn't get too far before I had his face pressed against the tile and I gave it to him the same way he gave it to me. Payback is rough - but we loved every second of it.

I said goodnight and headed home. No - this all didn't happen tonight. Everything in italics is fictional but God almighty how badly I wanted it to happen. I behaved myself and I figure that writing what I wanted to happen is a good way to relieve my desire for what I didn't pursue.

Off to bed. I'm gonna jack off and enjoy every thought of what might have been.

I guess I was premature in my last post to suggest that I didn't have feelings for him anymore. After seeing him tonight I know they're still there, but they're just lustful, raunchy, fuck me hard kinda feelings - and those are easier to control than ones of the heart.

Old Testament

2009-04-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

I pulled out my old sketchbook today and I was flipping through the pages to see some of my work. I stumbled on a poem/letter that was tucked within the pages of the book. It's about my first boyfriend Paul. I remember the night I wrote it. It was going to be a poem about what our relationship was and how it changed me, but it evolved, as I was writing, to show the angry wounds I was still nursing. The emotional shifts I had while writing it remind me of how complicated this particular relationship was, and how hard I fell when I lost the first person who made me feel like I belong. Reading it gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but seeing where I was then and where I am now with regards to my feelings for him reminds me that life goes on and I always bounce back.

Here it is:

You walked into my life when least expected,

I was scared, alone, confused, self-rejected.

You changed my path, showed me the light.

Your heartless affection spawned my plight.

You tempted, flirted, you loved to chase.

Ran me out of my comfortable place.

You challenged me, made me think, and opened my eyes,

But when I submitted, I ensured our demise.

You didn't want to be loved, just a cold, closed heart.

I wish I had known from the very start.

You made me love myself and I came to love you.

But what you saw in me had no sense of what's true.

I hate you and love you at the same time.

You held back your heart while I sacraficed mine.

You knew that I loved you and that made me easy.

At once I was honoured but learned to feel sleazy.

I admired you. I envied your strength. I felt lost in your shadow.

I was smaller beside you. Invisible. This you should know.

I see now that I am the strong one and you should admire me,

For I have the capacity to love and courage to set my heart free.

You'll be alone, for your wisdom and strength are a shell.

Your weakness, avoiding chance, condemn you to hell.

I wish you to be happy and to find true bliss.

I just wish that you found it in my touch and my kiss.

I will never make you happy because you won't let yourself be happy.

You find it in bed but you're stupid and fucked up.

You think you know affection but you don't know shit.

You've never known love and I pity you.

I have loved you more than you will ever love anyone.

You have hurt me more than anyone else ever will,

And that's fucked up!

But I understand that the pain comes from a feeling unreturned.

I know I would give everything to be with you, and I know that you would allow me to sacrafice everything for that hope which you know is false. Then fuck me literally. Then fuck me figuratively. Then kick me to the curb another mess. I hate that I would let you do this, but I would hate myself more for missing the prospect of being with you again, and showing you how to love me the way you showed me how to love myself.

Entrapment

2009-04-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

Mark has almost earned my trust again. We've been getting along great, spending more time together, and there hasn't been anything suspicious lately. I'm actually starting to feel like I'm in a secure, healthy, realtionship but my brain is telling me that if it seems too good to be true - it probably is.

Last time I felt like I was in a secure, loving, trusting relationship, it turned out that Mark was having online sexual relationships with other guys, two of which (that I know of) escalated to physical sexual relationships. I'm getting better at dealing with the deception and now my big issue is just worrying that it will happen again. I've exhausted exploring what happened in the past but that has raised a guard that is clearly preventing happiness today. I should be ecstatic that I feel like I can trust Mark again but instead I am a pessimist and I think myself out of feeling comfortable. If I continue to convince myself that my happiness is a lie, am I ever really going to be happy?

No. So.....

I have come up with this crazy idea to test Mark. I'm considering setting up an email account that I will use with msn messenger and add Mark as a contact. If he rejects me - great! If not, I'm going to tell him that I got his contact over ManHunt and see how things unfold. I have a set of pictures of an attractive guy, not a supermodel but someone he would find hot, and I'm using him as my spydentity. The story is going to be that he has a girlfriend and just wants to try things out with guys so he needs 100% discretion. No strings, experimental, sexual fun with another guy. I'm going to tell Mark that I'm working one night, when I'm really not, and then I'm going to try to catch him online.

This is the plan.... I am just not sure if I want to go through with it or not. On one hand, if he is being loyal to me he won't add the spydentity and nothing will happen. On the other hand, if he adds the fake account to msn and pursues inappropriate conversations/setting up a meeting, what will my consequences really be? Something feels strange about pushing him to do something and then punishing him for it.

I think my real battle is the fact that I have no excuse not to break up with him if he fails the test - and that scares me. I feel like it is an ok test to see if I can trust him online, but if I were a betting man I would put my money on him failing. I don't want him to fail, but if he does, I'm fucking myself over. Is ignorance bliss?

The Circus

2009-03-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Britney concert was amazing! (at least what I remember of it was amazing)

I went on March 19th and it was one of the craziest nights of the year. I had a pre drink at my apartment which consisted of mojitos and shots of rum, then we headed out to the Air Canada Centre and went straight to the bar. I had a pretty nice buzz on but I wasn't expecting the ecstacy that was going to hit me a few songs into the show. Mark was on his feet from the very beginning of the Pussycat Dolls' opening act, but it took me a few songs to get into it. It was as though the fairies of drunkeness flipped a switch in my head and when they did - watch out.

I was screaming, cheering, dancing - pretty much doing everything that a stereotypical homo would do at a Britney concert - pretty much everything that I swore I wouldn't do. I couldn't control myself. The set, the costumes, the music, the dancing, the lights, the fire, the smoke.... it stimulated every ounce of gay in my body and I was possessed. Unfortunately the young girl and her mom beside me were not impressed but who cares, they should have joined in.

At one point, I went to the bathroom and Mark waited outside holding my beer. When I came out the security guy had grabbed him and told us that if he saw Mark with another drink in his hand all night that he would have both of us kicked out. How embarrassing - getting kicked out of a Britney concert for being too drunk. The threat didn't slow us down though. When we returned to our seats we danced until we had bruises on our shins from the seats in front of us, the shirts came off for a little bit, and I attempted to sneak on to the floor with no success.

It was a great time.

After the show we went to my work for more drinks where they only served me one beer. They cut me off after I started dancing with my drink and dumping it down my chest - oh so sexy.

Morning came, our heads were pounding, and I struggled to remember the show.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

2009-03-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well well well.... Amsterdam is out of this world.

We took an 8:45 flight, booked a hotel for 60 euros and checked in by noon. By 3 I was high as the sky. We went to a "coffee shop" in the gay area and we split a "mixed" joint. It was a blend of marijuana and tobacco and boy did it fuck me up. The world was spinning, parts of my body got super heavy while others wanted to float, my pupils vanished, my eyes wouldn't open and it was next to impossible not to laugh. I had never felt anything like this in my life and I didn't like it. It would have been ok if I smoked less but this was excessive.

When we got the courage to leave the coffee shop we ended up sitting on chairs outside and laughing for minutes on end and laughing at nothing. I was paranoid that the police were going to stop us and bring us in because we were clearly messed up.

Mark got the munchies HUGE so we went to McDonald's and then grabbed two hot dogs after we left. I welcomed the food because I felt like I had cottonballs in my mouth due to the weed. At one point in McDonald's, when I was preparing myself to leave, I did something so outrageous but I thought it was the smartest thing at the time. I picked up our food tray and set it down, I moved a cup, then I dropped a napkin from one hand to the other. Mark burst out laughing and asked, "What are you doing? I thought you were taking that stuff to the garbage" to which I replied, "No - I'm checking my reflexes." It was quite the way to check reflexes considering the tasks required less than minimal dexterity but at the same time I thought it was the most necessary challenge I could give myself.

We got back to the hotel and passed out by 6:30. We woke up at midnight and decided to check out the nightlife. We went to a bar called SoHo then ARC then EXIT where we proceeded to get super drunk. We met some guys from the U.S., Australia, and other Canadians, and had a much better time out in the gay scene than we did in other cities. It was a little strange when one Australian guy met me outside the bathroom and warned me about Mark saying that I should be careful and that he didn't want me to get hurt. He wouldn't expand on that so he really told me nothing but a few words to get under my skin. I'm choosing to ignore his comments and remember that I should trust my boyfriend more than a random drunk Australian that I met in a gay bar in Amsterdam.

The walk home was difficult. Between passing out and puking, Mark could barely walk. To add insult to injury it was pouring rain and we were getting soaked. We finally got back to the hotel and it was straight to bed for us.

Night #1 in Amsterdam definitely lived up to its reputation.

Today I was reading my journal from my EuroTrip and this particular entry struck me. It makes me want to go back. Not to Amsterdam - but to a time when I trusted. I guess that Australian's forecast was true and I still don't know what happened that night to make him approach me - but I'm jealous that the old me was optimistic and trusting. Today I'm harder, colder, and have taken on a "guilty until proven innocent" mindset.

I used to be excited about future happiness with Mark, but now I feel like I'm just dreading future heartache.

Direction

2009-03-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

This whole "to engineer or not to engineer" question has been getting me down for a while. Just under a year ago, I finished my bachelor's degree in civil engineering yet I'm living in the city, slugging beer in a bar 5 nights a week. I've applied to one "real job" (as my parents and boyfriend call it), had one "real interview", got one "real rejection letter", and haven't made any effort for "real employment" since. My lack of job hunting isn't because I was shot down by that one "real job", it's simply because I don't want to be a civil engineer and to be honest - I never did.My intentions were always to grow up and become an architect and civil engineering is something I saw as an advanced stepping stone to that career. To be an architect, I need a Master's of Architecture degree and I can pursue that program with any bachelor's degree whatsoever. In high school I decided that instead of taking business, or english literature, or history, and then switch into architecture, I would take an undergrad that would compliment the Master's. Another advantage is that the strong structural background I have would give me advanced standing and I would get to bypass some of the introductory structures courses. Unfortunately, now that I'm wearing my iron ring (the Canadian symbol marking all engineers), I get interrogated by customers where I work, my parents, and Mark about why I'm not putting my degree to use.

The scrutiny has been making me feel like I'm failing but yesterday I realized something that made me feel a lot better. I'm still on the path to my goal and I''m only failing at the goals that other people set for me. Fuck their goals. This is my life, I only get one, and I don't want to be doing something that quite simply - I don't want to do. The path to reach my career goals is challenging due to the competivie application process, the intensive schooling, and the high costs of graduate school - but so what? This is the beauty of being a gay man. There is no rush to settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids.... I have all the time in the world, and I am only responsible for myself. Not having the pressure of striving for a traditional family has given me the luxury of the freedom to take risks.

So yesterday I asked myself what I need to do to get from here to there and I came up with a few things that will put me on the right track.

1- I am going to take a visual art class

2- I am going to take a course in the history of architecture

3- I am going to work on my portfolio

4- I am going to save money

5- I am going to start my Master's of Architecture in Spetember 2010

Snoop

2009-02-26T05:36:00.000-08:00

So nothing from Rob. I assume he's back from Cuba but there still hasn't been any contact about us getting together. I think he's doing that thing where he's waiting to see how long it will take me to call him but he'll be waiting for a long time. He's the one who told me he wants nothing to do with me so if we're ever going to hang out or get in touch it has to be his initiative.

On the other hand, Mark and I had an interesting week. It started with Valentine's Day. I worked on the 14th but figured I would be off around 9 or so. Knowing that, Mark filled the apartment with candles and made me a nice dinner for 9 o'clock. Unfortunatley I was kept on at work and didn't get home until about 12:30am. It was disappointing but the dinner was still great and it was nice for him to go out of his way to surprise me. He gave me a nice card and a rose and it was pretty surprising because I thought we were celebrating on the 15th.

On the 15th we went out to an opera in the afternoon, which was boring but fun to so something different, and then I took Mark out to the Beer Bistro for beer sampling and food. It was a good day until Mark asked me why I didn't get him anything for Valentine's Day. It really pissed me off because we both agreed that we were doing the opera and dinner thing to celebrate so I thought I wasn't obligated to do/buy anything else. After he prepared the romanitc dinner I felt like a douche because I didn't do anything outside of our plans but once he brought it up and called me out on it - it just made me angry. I think it's completely ridiculous to expect and demand gifts. Gifts are tokens of love and friendship and come from the heart, and to require someone to give you one seems greedy.

I thought about surprising him with something but everytime I thought about Valentine's Day this year, I thought about the fact that last year at this time, he was fucking my "friend" behind my back. Last year I hand crafted him a really nice giant card that had a beautiful inscription and we see how much he appreciated that. He probably tossed it in his closet while he was picking out which underwear to put on for his fuck buddy to take off. Of course I brought all of this up, we argued, and went to bed pissed off on the 15th.

Later in the week, Mark snooped through my cell phone while I was in the shower and found some things he didn't like. Of course he flipped out about the Rob text thread but I told him to calm down and actually look at what was said. I told him to think about everything I sent Rob and actually ask himself if anything was inappropriate. I reminded him that the thread ended with Rob telling me he missed me and me not responding.

The other thing he found was this thread from my friend Mike:

Mike: Hey Sexy! Where have you been lately?

Ryan: I've been MIA because Mark is staying with me for the week.

Mike: Ok. I won't msg you so you don't get in trouble.

I know how bad that looks but seriously - it's nothing. I reveal everything here and there is truly nothing to reveal. Mike is the kind of guy that calls everyone sexy, and stud, and bitch, and fucker but doesn't mean the word by its definition. When he said he didn't want me to get in trouble, it's because he and I have talked about Mark and how Mark gets jealous when I hang out with other guys or get texts from other male friends. That's all.

So of course Mark was jealous but I told him to look again and tell me if anything I said was inappropriate. All I said was that Mark was staying with me for a week and that is why I have been MIA - meaning not on msn or going out and stuff. I can't control what people text me, all I can do is control what I send to them and there was nothing inappropriate on my phone coming from me.

After Mark calmed down and accepted my explanations it was my turn to flip on him for snooping through my things without me around. This is not the first time it has happened and I told him that if he has suspicions or questions that he can ask me and I'll sort it out. If he wants to see my cell phone, ask me and I can walk him through the texts. If he wants to see my msn list, ask me and I'll login. I just don't like the sneakiness. Our relationship clearly has astronomically large trust issues and him sneaking through my things behind my back doesn't do much in the way of resolving those.

Problem number three is that Mark still can't cum when he tops. Last Valentine's Day I spoke about this and my degrading solution of letting him watch porn while he fucked me, but there hasn't been much progress. Since we got back together in October he has never finished in me while topping and it bothers me. We spent a lot of time this week trying to achieve this and were never successful. He'll fuck me for 30-45 minutes in any position he can think of until I cum or he gets soft. If I came I would take a 5 minute breather and then let him fuck me again, but nothing seemed to work - he doesn't cum when he tops, I don't like it, it is something we've worked at for almost 2 years now, nothing seems to make it better. Tips?

Note: The 10 days he spent here were great overall. We fought on 2 days and the sex issue is something that we've been working on for a while. I just assume that the conflicts are more interesting than our trip to the museum, dinner at my parents' place or the french fry fight we had in McDonalds.

Rob II

2009-02-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Remember Rob?

Great guy. Dated him for a bit when Mark and I broke up before I moved to Toronto. There was no spark, sexually, on my end and I tried to go back to friendship. Whenever we would hang out he would treat me like a king, get me drunk and I'd end up spending the night or making out with him and giving all the wrong signals....

Well a while back he told me off. This happened while I wasn't writing on here (Oct-Dec) so the story was missed but I'll sum it up quickly here.

He asked me out to Starbucks for a coffee after about 3 weeks of no communication between the two of us. There, he told me that he didn't like how I treated him and gave him the cold shoulder, he wanted to know if Mark and I were back together, he wanted me to explain how he got gonorrhea, and he finished it off with a classic "nice knowing you" in the tone that suggested it really wasn't nice knowing me. Ouch.

Here's my side. I told him that I wasn't connecting and I was upfront about that with him, but I explained that when we hung out, there was always a lot of booze and I would get caught up in the moment. I apologized for the mixed signals. I told him that Mark and I are back together but that it happened after it was clear that nothing was happening between Rob and I. Finally the gonorrhea - Rob knew there was a small risk in sleeping with me. I was treated and am completely clear of it and I don't understand how he could catch it from me. He swears that I was the only person he has been with in the time of infection, and I belive him because he is a stand-up trustworthy guy, but I don't know what he wants me to say. I'm sorry? I told him before we slept together that I had gonorrhea about two weeks prior, and that it was treated and gone. I don't know what else I could have done.

To Readers: if you're lost in the gonorrhea/Rob stuff - go back to June 2008 archives and onwwards. This is where I was infected with gonorrhea and found out through and STD that Mark was cheating on me. There was some pretty dramatic stuff that happened afterwards that is much more exciting than my life right now.

So after that fun conversation in Starbucks, I never saw or heard from him again. Until two nights ago. I get a text from him "So where in Cuba is good to go? I am in Verradero. Suggestions? By the way, I fucked up on blowing you off."

What?!?! Just like that? So casual...

Let's clarify that "blowing you off" part first. I think he really meant "having a hissy fit in Starbucks".

Ryan: "Are you in Cuba now? Or are you planning on going? I'm confused."

Rob: "I am in Cuba. You came to mind after arriving and... Yeah. Coffee would be good when I get back. It wasn't nice the way we left things and it should be corrected."

Ryan: "I've never been to Verradero. Only holguin and Cayo Coco. It's good to hear from you. Nothing you said or did was too far out of line. Coffee would be nice."

Rob: "For whatever it's worth... I do actually miss you."

I didn't respond after that. I figured saying things like "It's good the hear from you" and "Coffee would be nice" are already on the borderline of mixed signals again, so I didn't want to say that I miss him. Plus - I don't miss him. I liked hanging out with him and stuff, but I haven't been brooding over his absence in my life.

So he gets back from Cuba this weekend I think and he will probably want to hang out but there's one small problem. Mark is coming to Toronto to stay with me for over a week. He arrives tonight and he is staying through next Sunday the 22nd. There's no way I'm going to see Rob with Mark in town but of course if I tell Rob that that is the reason, it will hit a soft spot and he might get all drama queen again.

Nothing will happen between Rob and I so I have nothing to hide from Mark. On the other hand, Mark is my boyfriend and I shouldn't be trying to hide that from Rob. I think I'm trying to keep everyone happy and stay in everyone's good books but it's a pain in the ass when both guys want the other out of my life for good.

Mark here for 10 days. Valentine's day. Rob trying to get back in the picture. Should be an interesting week.

Bad Bottom

2009-02-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

This post might qualify as "too much information"

I'm not the biggest fan of bottoming (taking it up the ass for the less educated in homo terminology). Don't get me wrong; I enjoy it and I do it just as often as topping (putting it up an ass), but there are drawbacks to bottoming that, excuse the pun, make it a pain in the butt.

First of all - the pain. Upon entry, I find getting fucked STINGS. I have deduced that this is from a lack of lube and that when a guy first gets in there, the lube hasn't had a chance to disperse to make things easier. This stinging usually goes away when the cock is fully inserted and I take a few deep breaths, but for another obvious reason, the discomfort doesn't stop there: The rectum was not designed to accommodate the penetrating effects of a penis. A body part that was intended as an out hole for soft excrement, is now being used as an in (and out and in and out) hole for a hard object. This discomfort is then amplified when the top insists on getting your legs over your head, getting you on all fours, or contorting your body in any other way that results in access that allows for him to go as hard, fast and deep as he is capable of. Ouch.

Another problem is that I find my digestive system gets treated like a balloon. An effect of the pumping action, and the in and out nature of anal sex, is that my ass gets fillled with pockets of air. It is already filled with lube but the air adds another layer of discomfort which means one very unfortunate thing: Loud Lubey Farts. If I'm passive I run the risk of lube slowly leaking out of my ass as farts escape one by one so I take another approach. Sit on the toilet, force the air out, and mop up as much of the lube as possible. Not the sexiest thing in the world but it's better than giving the Loud Lubey Farts all the control. This process can be embarrassing if the top is sitting in your living room and can hear you farting in the bathroom, but fuck it - it's his fault in the first place.

My third and final issue with bottoming is also my biggest and can be summed up with one word. MESS. Let's be realistic here. The ass is where our body expels our shit, so how can we expect that anything that goes up our ass will come out tidy? How many times have we found an unexpected turd at the end of the tunnel? How many times has the top finished, pulled out, and the aroma of the air takes a turn for the worse? How many sets of bed sheets have been stained because we forgot to put a towel down? So not sexy.

I make it sound a little worse than it is because it grosses me out and I find that if I'm the bottom, I'm always self conscious and concerned about the cleanliness of my insides. It isn't always messy, sometimes the condom comes out spotless, but predicting the right times to bottom to avoid shit stained dicks is a bit of a crap shoot (yes - another anal sex pun).

I've learned to take two precautions to make me feel more comfortable bottoming. The first is, follow your gut. If you just ate a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, curry, cheese, or any fast food - probably not a good time to bend over and get plowed. The second precaution is DOUCHING!

Douching is great. It is a fantastic way to grab the bull by the horns and confront the mess before it confronts you. To completely wash out your insides and rid your anus of poop, makes a bottom a lot more confident entering the bedroom. After I douche, my worry about being messy disappears and the douching process actually loosens me up a little to make the "cock first entry" phase more enjoyable. Actually, my insides will often smell good considering the fact that I use shampoo as lube to get the douche in my bum.

Douching does have its downsides though. Occasionally, there is a little more cargo in the trunk and a small log will flow out with the douche water. These little logs sitting in the tub either have to be scooped up and tossed in the toilet or kicked and squished down the drain. Doesn't really put you in the mood to leave the shower and have sex.

Unfortunately douching is not always an option. It's difficult in times of passion to stop the foreplay and say, "Hold that thought. I'm just going to go flush the shit out of my body for you. I'll be back in 10 minutes."

This is the first time I'm going to ask for comments. What do you all do to keep things fresh? Tips? Tricks? - OR - Is this something that I'm blowing out of proportion? - OR - Does anyone actually find messiness hot?

I don't judge.

Shows. Work. Pussy.

2009-01-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

Canada had a reality TV show called "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" in which the purpose was to cast the lead in the upcoming muscial "The Sound Of Music". This is one of the few times that I have been blown away by a Canadian television production. Canada's most talented artists usually head south where there are bigger opportunities and larger productions with more widespread recognition, which leaves mediocre talent leftover for our reality TV singing competitions. Mediocrity was not the case in this show. All of the girls were fantastic and the winner, Elicia MacKenzie (shown below singing "Memory" from "Cats"), never failed to captivate me and bring chills up my spine.

Well the show is now open in Toronto and it's playing just minutes away from my apartment so of course I needed to get tickets. Even though I try to confuse friends and family with muscle and shitty fashion sense, Katie and my mom both know how musicals scratch my feminine itch. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened their Christmas gifts and both of them had given me tickets to "The Sound Of Music". I didn't tell them that the other had given me the same thing, so that way I get to go twice but I'll just have to pretend that I'm seeing it for the first time. I checked the casting schedule and there are two different Marias for each of the nights I'm going which is a bonus (the runner up on the TV show is the other Maria).

Mark had a similar idea for a Christmas gift but his trumped "The Sound Of Music" for sure. He got me tickets to see Britney Spears' "Circus" on March 19th which is going to be fantastic. I don't care if she's had kids and emotional issues and is probably doped up on meds - she puts on amazing shows with production values through the roof and whether or not her body moves like it used to - it's going to be a blast. Mark also bought tickets to go see the opera "Fidelio" on February 15th which is going to be our Valentine's Day celebration. I've been to an opera before, "Tosca", and it wasn't exactly my thing but I'm always excited to get dressed up, have a fancy dinner and see a show.

Some more good news came this week. I'M EMPLOYED! That bar that has left me hanging for 2 weeks finally called me and offered me a position. I won`t be bartending but at this point I`m perfectly happy serving and cocktailing. I had a shift yesterday where I went in for 1 hour and learned the floor plan and silly junk like that but my training will be done this week and starting next week I`ll be earning cash once again. I just hope that I have the willpower to use my money responsibly. Unemployment has taught me how to be responsible with money, I`ve quit smoking, and my drinking has gone waaaaayy down. I`m worried that once I`m tossed into an environment where there is booze everywhere and young, fun, coworkers always looking to go out - that the vices will creep back into my life.

Another piece of good news is that Katie adopted a cat. I`m more of a dog person but we`re not ready for that responsibility and cats can be fun too. He is 7 years old but really tiny and absolutely adorable. He is FIV+ (cat version of HIV. who even knew that it existed but apparently it`s a huge problem in the cat world) so I swear to Katie that he is gay and he used to slut it up when he lived on the streets. We named him Edward Cullen after the sexy vampire in the Twilight Saga. Katie tried really hard to switch the name but I was persistent and Edward stuck. I think it suits him.

P.S. - Edward always sleeps in my bed so he`s definitely gay.

Close Call

2009-01-25T15:10:00.001-08:00

It was a good weekend. Mark arrived Friday night, we had dinner, a few drinks, messed around, and went to bed. On Saturday, we went shopping in the morning, Mark fucked me in the afternoon, and then we went to my parents' place for dinner in the evening. Sunday is where things got interesting.

Katie's father, his wife, and their two kids (5 and 12) were coming over for a visit after church and I decided that it was a situation that I wanted to avoid. They know I'm gay, they are cool with it, but I haven't seen them since they found out and I figured that today wasn't the time to reunite the big happy unconventional family. Something just felt weird about having a luncheon with my boyfriend, my ex-girlfriend, her new boyfriend, her father, stepmother, and her 2 half siblings.

Mark and I decided that it would be best to leave the apartment for the time that they were there. Our excuse was an antique fair that was in the city for the weekend which worked well because Mark has an inexplicable interest in pointless purchases. I usually don't encourage his reckless spending (he still lives with his mom yet he has purchased a baby grand piano, several pieces of taxidermy, a chandelier, antique chests, an old typewriter, telescope... ugh... the list goes on) but I fugured that my need for an escape was enough that I would humour him and attend the fair. It gave me an excuse to be removed from the apartment for a few hours and it yielded Mark a new toy (the old fashioned camera that doesn't work that he always needed).

It was tiring to be walking with the mobs of 60 year old couples, checking out 80 year old antiques, and trying to find anything remotely interesting in the cluttered piles of junk that reminded me of my parents' garage. Everyone was in their own little world, browsing for treasures, slogging along, step by step at a snail's pace, and I was about to lose my mind. It didn't matter though, because at least I wasn't in my apartment where things would be even more uncomfortable. On the way to the fair Mark gave me the $1000 I need to make my rent so that was another reason why I sucked it up and toughed it out without complaint.

When Mark was finished rummaging through the rotting pieces of wood that no longer have any functional purpose, we grabbed lunch at McDonald's and headed to a coffee shop to kill some more time. By now it was about 3pm and we weren't sure if the ex-in-laws were still in my apartment or not. I was being rude enough by hiding from them in the first place, so I didn't want to call Katie and bluntly ask if her father had left yet. I decided to head back to my building, try to find their car, and that would tell us if they were still visiting. If their car wasn't in the lot I would head home, but if it was... well... I hadn't thought that far ahead and just prayed to God that it wasn't there.

Of course it was there.

The obvious thing to do would be to kiss goodbye, send Mark driving back to London, and I would head up to the apartment and face the music alone. The drive from Toronto to London is about 2 hours so Mark would be home for dinner, it would remove one of the layers of awkwardness, and waiting around was childish to begin with, so the simple and obvious thing to do made a lot of sense. Unfortunately we were both horny, we didn't have enough sex over the weekend, and we wanted one more romp before we separated for the week.

This is where we got really stupid.

We went to the sixth floor of my building where there is a gym, swimming pool, and sauna. Our thought process was that we could get naked, go into the sauna, hang in there, and suck each other off while we waited for the family to leave. It had been done before and was really sexy, so why not satisfy our cravings in a risky, public sex kind of way?

We went into the men's lockerroom where the sauna is, and were disappointed to hear a lot of people in the pool area. Splashing + laughing = no sex for us. The last time we messed around in the sauna, there was no one in the pool who could come in at any second and surprise us, but this time the pool sounded crowded. We were both really discouraged and running out of ideas when Mark got the brilliant plan to open the door to the private massage room.

This room has two doors - one that goes into the hallway of the sixth floor, and one that goes into the men's lockerroom. Both doors can be locked from the inside and there is no massage therapist on site, so we knew there was no risk of being disturbed. Our smiles returned. I had never been in the massage room before but it was pretty cool. A really comfortable massage table, mirrors, a sink - what else did we need to fuck around?

The risk of messing around in a public/semi-public place always creates a sense of urgency. "We can do it, but if we do - let's do it fast." The thrill of what we were about to do accelerated our soft cocks to raging boners in 0.7 seconds. Moments later, Mark was on his knees, tugging my pants towards my ankles, opening his mouth for my dick while he stroked his own. Our senses were heightened. The adrenaline made us pay attention to everything as a means of self preservation, but it also made it so I could feel every touch and sensation on my throbbing cock. Mark's throat was ecstacy and I decided that I should stop being greedy and suck him for a bit too.

I encouraged him onto the massage table, he laid back, and I started blowing him. I was opening my mouth as wide as I could and guiding his cock strategically into my mouth. I took it deep. There seems to be that line that distingushes between the back of your throat and down your throat and his thick knob was well past that line. I could taste his precum and by this point we were both getting a little louder than we intended.

"No, no, no. Swimtime is over. We have to go back Thomas."

I could hear a man's voice in the lockerroom talking to what sounded like his child. Mark and I both turned into stone.

"Do you remember what floor it was?" the man asked.

"Two, one." the little boy announced. I could hear his little feet pitter-pattering on the tile.

"No, not two one. Twentyone."

OH-MY-GOD! I live on the twentyfirst floor! The two people in the lockerroom are Katie's father and her 5 year old brother! I mouthed the identification to Mark and we both flushed. Their footsteps and voices got louder when suddenly the doorhandle started rattling, straining against the lock.

"You don't want to go in there Thomas. You don't need a massage."

Damn fucking right he doesn't want to come in here I thought. What could be more embarrassing than being caught by your exgirlfriend's father and little brother, while giving head to a guy on a massage table? We could hear them leaving the lockerroom while we zipped up our pants. As quickly as we got aroused, the mood was lost twice as fast. I was seconds away from shitting myself.

We decided that I would leave first, go outside to the terrace, and Mark would come out a minute or two after. I was waiting by the exit when I could hear the lockerroom door opening. I went back to reunite with Mark and figure out what to do next when my heart stopped again. It wasn't Mark exiting the men's lockerroom - it was Katie, her sister, and her stepmother coming out of the ladies'.

"Ryan! What are you doing here?"

"Hey... I uh.. well... I... noticed that your things were still in the apartment but that no one was there so I came looking for everyone."

Please don't come out Mark. Please. If there is a God, do not come out of the lockerroom.

"Where's Mark?" Katie asked.

"Well... he uh... he.. dropped me off and then headed back to London."

Pleeeeassse don't come out. You can't come out now.

I led everyone around the corner to the elevators where we then bumped into Katie's father, her little brother, and her boyfriend.

Oh God. Kill me.

"Ryan! Long time no see. Where did you come from?" Dad asked.

"Oh hey. Nice to see you too."

We all got in the elevator. All six of them were looking at me, it didn't make a lot of sense that I was there and I could feel my face flushing. I took out my cell phone and started sending Mark a text. When we got into the apartment I went to the bathroom, finished the text, collected myself and went outside to finish the visit. It was so frustrating that I didn't get to say goodbye to Mark properly and that we were rushed, but seeing how horrible the situation could have been - I was counting my blessings.

I grabbed a beer, played with the toddler for a half hour, said my goodbyes as they left, and then I called Mark and we had quite the laugh.

Holy shit that was close.

Crunch Time

2009-01-23T06:22:00.000-08:00

It's crunch time.

I'm broke and rent is due in 9 days. I owe $1000, but I only have $483.80 in my account as of today, and I owe $1393.59 on my Visa.

Shit.

My parents, who are in a very dismal financial position themselves, owe me $2000 and told me yesterday that they absolutely cannot pay me back in time to help me make my rent.

So what to do?

I started looking for work at the beginning of the month and I finally got a lead at a local bar. It's next door to my old job and owned by the same parent company, so my credentials are very attractive to them considering I am familiar with the volume of the district, and I already have 3 years of experience being managed and meeting the standards set by the parent company. I went in for an interview and the manager loved me. We got along great, it was more of a conversation than an interview, and she told me she just had to pass along my information to the GM for approval before anything could be finalized. Well lucky me - the GM had some sort of personal crisis outside of work and hasn't been to work since. She can't give me the job without his consent, and he is MIA. Fuck.

Another option is to sell my ass. This is something I've considered but when I actually think about it, it's not something I would do. If there was some hot 25 year old that wanted to give me money for sex, why not? But the general impression I get is that in the real world, the reason one would accept money for sex is only because they are getting nothing else in return. I don't think I could handle having some old decrepid man fuck me for a couple hundred bucks. I would feel cheap afterwards, it's dangerous, not fair to Mark, and it wouldn't even get me enough money to solve my financial stress. So while the idea seems tempting on the surface when I picture it as getting cash for having fun - thinking about the reality of it all makes me see otherwise.

Another thing that I considered was taking some dirty pictures for a fetish website. Don't judge too quickly. There would be no sex and no nudity. This is an opportunity offered to me by the guy that I hooked up with who had the foot fetish. He has a contact that is starting a website geared towards men's feet and is offering $400 for a 2 hour shoot. Pics of me in shoes, socks, and bare feet only. The worst I would have to do would be taking off my shirt, but only if I was comfortable.

I considered this option for a bit and thought it wouldn't be too bad. I wouldn't be having sex, I wouldn't be naked, and I would be dressed in a way that is more conservative than being at the beach. To be honest - if the photographer was sitting here in my apartment right now - I'd do it. Unfortunately he shoots on weekends and I'm busy becuase Mark is coming to visit. This is the last weekend of the month so I wouldn't get the money in time, AND it doesn't even pay enough for me to make rent, AND there would be pictures of me, including my face, on the internet for anyone to see and use. I was told that if I liked it I could come back for a second shoot to do a video of someone worshipping my feet but that is a just little too much for me.

My roommate Katie had her mom over for dinner last night and she had an interesting chat with me as well. Her husband is investing in a new company that specializes in advanced technology that is used to locate oil deposits, pipeline leaks, and prevention, detection, and environmental impacts of oil spills. The company is just starting out and they are going to feel around and see if they can use a bright, young, recent engineering graduate like me. Sounds great to me. It's not whorish, pornish, begging, or beneath my qualifications. It's a respectful challenging position that will start shifting my life in a new direction. I like the sounds of it but everything is still in the very young planning stages so that might not pan out for a while - if at all.

I think I'm just going to have to ask Mark for $1000. There's no other respectful way around my predicament that I can pull off in a week's time. Maybe I'll tell him that we can roleplay me being a straight guy and him coercing me into having sex with him for money. That way it'll be fun and kinky for him, I can live out the glamour of being a whore, and my bills get paid on time.

Hopefully earning the $1000 provides for a hot story on Monday.

(I'm fully open to other ideas to make a quick buck if any of you have some tips)

Mellow Yellow

2009-01-20T06:45:00.001-08:00

Now I have to admit: my sex life with Mark has gotten a lot better. I'm not sure what the exact reasons for the improvements are but I have a few suspicions:

The first is my shifting view of sex. When we were together for the first time it was more of a spiritual thing. I still had a lot of that naive-lovey-dovey-connection-two-bodies-one-soul-love-making approach. The Catholic school, intimacy is sacred, respectful, and a gift from one partner to another approach. In other words - the unrealistic approach. Maybe it's simply because the respect I have for my boyfriend has dropped, but I don't make love to him anymore - I fuck him - and that just seems more practical.

The second thing is the distance. We only see each other on the weekend so I think we try to make up for lost time and prepare for the separation to come. Saturday: "I didn't see you for 5 days so we have to fuck 5 times today to make up for it." Sunday: "I'm not going to see you for 5 more days so we have to fuck 5 times today to make up for it." It seems like we have a sub-conscious sex quota that we only have 2 days a week to meet.

The third and final thing is familiarity. After everything we've been through, every heavy conversation, every betrayal, every forgiveness, every cycle of love and hate, we both feel completely comfortable talking about sex. We've seen the best and worst of each other and it has opened us up to new experimentation.

Our latest experiment has been watersports.

We were spending the night at hotel and after a few beers and a bottle of champagne we got naked and started to play in our enormous cloud of a king sized bed. We were just making out, a little bit of sucking, wrestling, tickling, when I decided to ask for something that I always found kinky and hot. I stopped the foreplay, looked at Mark, and said, "I want you to piss on me."

"Really?"

"Ya. I think it's fuckin' hot."

I could see the wheels turning in Mark's head, he looked away, smirked, stood up on the bed so I was lying between his feet, and said, "Ok", in a manner that suggested a silent, "you asked for it."

We were both quiet. I had my eyes locked on his cock, anticipating the steaming stream that would start showering me. Mark's eyes were closed, his body still, his mind clearly trying to convince his body that he was standing above a toilet.

"I can't do it." And we both started laughing. "I can't just piss on you right here on command."

"Fuck, don't worry about it. I can hardly piss if someone is standing beside me in the bathroom so I know about the whole stage fright thing. You don't have to"

"Hold on, hold on. Shhh. Shh. Sh."

We were both quiet again. It seemed like we had both stopped breathing - me because I was excited to try out this minor fetish, and Mark because he was so focussed on performing. I waited while I watched his dick pointing at my chest. Visualizing even a drip in the hopes that the vision would materialize. I was about to tell Mark that we didn't have to keep trying when BAM!

As I opened my mouth to speak a powerful blast of piss splashed right into my mouth. I spit it onto the white sheets as I squirmed to get the flow out of my face. It stopped.

Mark sounded guilty, "What's wrong? I thought you wanted me to."

"I did. I do. It was just... unexpected." I was laughing and Mark seemed like he couldn't gauge my reaction. How could I not expect it? He was standing over me with his cock out trying to piss, just like I asked, and I say I didn't expect it? "I was thinking you would do it on my chest first. You just caught me by surprise."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It was hot. Do you think you can keep going?"

He didn't speak. He took the stance that one would have at a urinal and then the flow started again. Easier, now that it had already started and he was holding it in. This time Mark had more control of it. He was pissing in spurts. Splashing my chest and neck, then squirting a little on stomach, some more on my cock (now rock hard). The wet pools were warm and gathering in the grooves of my body. They started to overflow. The crevass where my neck meets my chest was full and spilling down both sides of my neck onto the bed. The little pond that formed between my pecs where they connect with my upper abs began to leak down the sides of my torso. I could feel every little warm river of urine meandering its way across my body.

"If you have more in you I think we should move to the shower."

Mark looked at the white sheets. "'Kay."

We got into the tub and I laid back and let Mark tower over me. It took no preparation his time and the piss just started shooting all over me. Mark was enjoying it. He was spraying it all over me, trying to moisten every inch of my body with his juice. He admired his work like some little shit stepping back in an alley and appreciating his graffiti for the first time. His amusement just turned me on more and watching his face as he vandalized me with his yellow piss made me jerk my cock frantically. It was wet and slippery now from the warm fluid and the heat of the moment got me really close, really fast.

I sat up and opened my mouth. I wrapped my lips around Mark's cock while the piss continued to gush out and I was surprised that he didn't stop. My mouth filled up and I spit it back at his abs. Some of the piss splahed back at my face and the rest slid down his cock, his balls, his thighs. I took another mouthful, this time noticing the taste. It tastes like it smells. Flat, sterile, slightly acidic. I didn't swallow any so the full flavour wasn't experienced but it was better than I expected. It was similar to having a guy cum in my mouth. It wasn't a flavourful, sweet taste that I would like to drink by the glass or for personal pleasure, but in the moment of performing a kinky sexual act, I was turned on by gesture, and the logic of how dirty this was, was over shadowed by the raw heat of the sexuality.

The pump ran dry and a few final drips landed on my dick. I couldn't control it anymore. I stood up and blasted my load all over Mark's cock. I shot a gigantic load. One of those loads that only comes when you're completely and utterly turned on and absorbed in the moment.

We looked at each other and didn't say anything for the moment. He could see how much I enjoyed it by the smirk on my face and the cum on his cock, and I could see his pride in the way he looked at me, knowing that my arousal was his doing.

"That was hot."

We both said it at the same time.

2009

2009-01-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

My last post was in the start of October and a lot has changed. Right now I'm at home, bored and lazy, so this post will be concise and just fill you in on how I came from there to here.

Mark and I are back together. Who cares how or why - it's all the same viscious cycle. A little while after we got back together I told Mark that I still don't feel like I have the full truth about the past and I convinced him to tell me everything. Well.... if you read one of my first posts, 9, then you will remember how my friend Greg introduced Mark and I. It turns out that Greg fucked Mark twice behind my back in February, 2008. Of course this killed me and I confronted Greg but whether it was 1 person or 10, friends or randomers, cheating is cheating.

In other news. I was fired. 23 people laid off at my bar so me being the newest bartender - I didn't stand a chance. The managers were great about it though - they didn't tell me, they let me go to Cuba, pretended that miscommunication was the reason why I wasn't scheduled for 2 weeks after getting back, and then 2 days before Christmas, after a month of no work, they let me know that I was fired. Sweet!

Now. I'm unemployed, I have $400 to my name, a $1400 credit card bill, and $1000 due in rent on February 1st. The positive side of all of this is that I have cleaned up on the health side. Seeing as I'm broke - there is no money for cigarettes, no money for booze, no money to eat out, and an endless quantity of time with which I can work out.

Bottomline. I don't like where I am in life right now, but it's a new year and I am resolving to turn it all around. How long do resolutions usually last? A month?

One Week

2008-10-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Above: A Portrait of Me.

I've been bitching and moaning about how shitty I feel lately. Mentally, I'm down about my life that has no direction, my heart which is not even close to being on the mend, and my lingering lonliness that I'm slowly starting to accept. Physically, I'm getting flabby, my stamina is way down, my complexion is going back to what it was during puberty, my sex-drive has vanished, and I avoid being shirtless or naked even when I'm alone, and I don't even think about catching a look at myself in the mirror. Someone who used to take great pride in his looks and intellect is now someone that mopes around the house waiting to go to work so he can mope around work waiting to be sent home.

So, I've decided to give myself a reality check. I'm still hot - it's not conceited - it's true. Even though I feel gross, when middle aged women want to take pictures with me while I'm bartending and when the hottest 21 year old chick in the bar hands me a piece of paper with her name and number.... I know I'm attractive. I also know that sex appeal is 50% physical and 50% mental. If you feel sexy and have confidence and charm that can be just as sexy as a hot bod and pretty face. Right now my physical sexiness is Matthew McConaughey:

quickly slipping to join my mental sexiness as Michael Moore.

For obvious reasons.... that can't happen.

My solution is this. One week of cold turkey sobriety. This one week will by no means be a solution to my concerns - it will simply open my eyes to how I will think and feel when I'm not filling my body with alcohol and nicotene. Friday to Friday is my window. Not a sip of booze. Not a drag of a cigarette. I figure this will give me energy to work out more and clear my head while helping me destress so I decided to add one more vice to my list of cuts. No man hunting. For this week I will not go online and chat with random guys and look at their pictures and spend hours on end looking for someone that will temporarily ease my lonliness when I know that the lonliness is not going to go away overnight because someone who doesn't know me wants to fuck me.

I thought about what my schedule would look like if there were no online cruising sessions, no late night parties, no hangover sleep-ins, and no trips to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. Interesting. I'll have time to clean my house, visit my parents, work out, grocery shop... the list of things that add value to my life gets 10X bigger and time wasted is cut way down. Makes sense.

I've tried this before and we'll see if there's any real change this time. I'm optimistic now but when I'm realistic I know that life will probably kick me in the nuts a couple of more times and I'll be too weak to stay on track.

As it stands now though - sober for 34 hours and counting....

Toronto

2008-10-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well. It's been a while since there's been an update but here it is.

I'm living in Toronto with Katie (the ex-grilfriend) and things are going really well. We're getting along great, the apartment is fantastic, and I have no complaints about my home life.

The job. Hmmm. I'm still on the fence about how much I like my job here. I transferred from my London location to the biggest one in the company in Toronto and while the basics are the same, the job is completely different. In London I was a big fish in a little pond and here in Toronto I feel like a minnow in the Atlantic. The pace is really fast, there are so many people, and the hours are running me into the ground.

Socially, I'm getting out there more than I should. Every night, there seems to be a party somewhere and I find it, get drunk, and ruin myself for the next day. It's expensive, it's unhealthy, it's fun, it leaves me feeling like shit, and it's addictive. I've decided that the partying pace needs to slow down. The first month is where everything is new and exciting so I can use that as an excuse, but the first month is over now and I have to settle down. I need to find hobbies and activities that don't revlove around alcohol.

Physically - my body has taken a big shit. I haven't managed to work a fitness routine into my schedule and that mixed with eating out everyday wth a minimum of 3 drinks - let's just say that I've looked and felt better.

Romantically - here's the breakdown:

Mark - we tried to work things out over the distance. He visted me the first 2 weekends but I went out with Rob one time, he kissed me, I told Mark, and then he started ignoring me. I called him and we talked and then he gave me an ultimatum. Either we are back together, boyfriends again, and commit 100% to eachother - or we're nothing. I told him that I couldn't commit 100%, that I need to rebuild my feelings for him before I call him my boyfriend, and that getting back toegther is something that comes after working on things which we still haven't done yet. I said that the right thin to do is usually the hardest, so we need to split ways and go back on a regime of silence. It's for the best. Everytime I find myself missing him and wanting his comfort back I remember the words "Cheating", "Lying", "Gonorrhea", "Abuse"..... and bam - enough time energy and wasted on that loser.

Rob - we hung out a couple of times when I got to Toronto and one of the nights he kissed me while I was getting out of the cab. I didn't know how to stop him and told Mark right when I got home. Since the kiss, I bumped into Rob once at a bar where we arrived with different groups of people. When his group left, he lagged behind and asked if I wanted him to stay or go. It was tough but I said that he should stick with his friends and I should stick with mine. I don't think he liked that and I haven't heard from him since. Its tough because I want to hang out with him, but he keeps pushing it in the romantic direction when I just want friendship.

Paul - my first boyfriend who will always have a huge place in my heart is now single and when I heard that news I got a really mischevious grin on my face. We went out to dinner, went out to the bar (coincidentally the same night I last bumped into Rob) and as fun as it would have been to have some ex-sex with him, I know it would have opened a whole new can of worms and didn't want to go there. Watching him interact at the bar reminded me of everything I didn't like about him and I saw that I had moved on from him. The idea of being with him again was appealing at the start because I only remembered the good, but it took 2 hours of hanging out to be reminded of the bad and to let it go. Watching him try to pick people up at the bar didn't even make me jealous. It was amusing and I had no negative feelings about the scene.

Andrew - in August when I was working out the transfer, I came to Toronto and partied with the satff at the new location. I ended up hooking up with Andrew and not seeing him again until I worked there. He is a really great guy but I just don't have any lust for him. We are great friends and he keeps expressing that he is "smitten" by me, but I've told him several times that I'm only looking for friendship. Problem is that we get drunk, he sometimes spends the night, and then we make out. That has to stop becuase it leads him on and I really value his friendship.

Others - I have been doing the online dating thing and I have a few people that I have been chatting with for a while and would like to go out with when I get a chance. More about them to come.

Mark, again...

2008-08-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

So after my stint with the stalker ScAlbert I was pissed off, felt betrayed, more lonely than I was before, and generally fed up with the scene of dating and relating. I called Mark. I just needed to talk to someone that wanted me. I guess it's selfish but I don't care. I wanted to hear him say nice things to me, tell me that he loves me, hear how his life hasn't been the same without me... it felt good and it was what I needed after the 2 weeks of bullshit from ScAlbert.

It turned out that Mark was in Montreal. He was there for their big gay week, he went alone, and alarm bells starting going off in my head. Not that I should care what he's doing but I do. Taking of to Canada's gayest city for a week, all by himself, when he's still hurt and confused, can only mean one thing. He was going there to fuck away his problems. I was having none of that. Selfish - yes - but sorry - the thought of him partying in Montreal for a week, sleeping with random guys, having a blast without me wasn't sitting well.

We talked over the phone for a while, I told him I missed him, told him that I was worried about what he was up to there, got his assurance that he still wanted me back, and then I told him that we could see each other for the first time since the big fat gay wedding when he returned from Montreal. Childish and immature but I wanted to plant the seed of possibility in his head so he didn't slut it up on his little vacation. His trip lasted for a few more days, we talked over the phone every night, and when he came home we got together.

He came over, we talked, drank some wine, watched some tv, and he spent the night in my bed. It felt good. I've been lonely for a while and having someone sleeping next to me, touching me, that truly wanted to be there with me, was very comforting. In the morning we jerked off together. Nothing more than that but we were both horny and hadn't seen each other in a month and I guess we figured blowing our loads all over each other's chests was a fun thing to do. He stayed for the afternoon, we ended up jerking off a couple more times, and then he drove me to work.

Since then, we have been hanging out, playing tennis, talking... I get frustrated because I keep having flashbacks of his infidelity... he gets frustrated because he wants definition about where we stand and more from me. He knows I'm moving to Toronto on September 1st and that there is going to be distance between us, and he has expressed concern that I'm just having a good time with him for a couple of weeks before I leave, and then once I'm gone - that will be it. It's a valid concern and a very likely outcome but I just feel bad admitting it so I won't. Instead I will just say that I wish I could forgive and forget and get back together with him but I can't. I was in love with him, we get along great, we have history together, and I wish we could go back to what we had before I discovered his antics. I can't. I really can't.

Once I move away it will be even more difficult because I can't trust him and trusting him over long distance will drive me nuts. On top of that I will be the fresh meat in a pretty gay city and I can't trust myself to be faithful to someone I resent so much. Circumstances are shitty but what can I do. The very thing I want is impossible to have - we can't go back. I seem to be doing things that are prolonging the inevitable - moving on.

ScAlbert

2008-08-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

So a little while back I was on manhunt checking out some local guys and I came across this stud that was worth messaging. We started chatting for a bit, he was sexy, smart, funny, charming... we got along really well and then it came out that he recognized me from where I work. He told me that he was at my bartender's competition and that I had caught his eye then, way back in May. He described where I was sitting, who I was sitting with, my competition partner, everything which such detail that it was clear he had been there and that I had made an impression on him. It was a huge coincidence but who am I to complain?

I felt a little strange that he had this huge account of seeing me in person, but I remembered nothing about him and only had one poor quality picture to go on so he sent me a link to a photo album that he has. The album has over 70 pictures that are a mix of candid shots of him and his friends, as well as modelling shots that he has taken in the past. Here is my favourite shot:

Fuckin Stunning!

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought there was no way that someone this beautiful could have been at the bartender's competition and I didn't notice him. Even more crazy to me was that I had made an impression on this god, and that he was interested in me. For the first time since breaking up with Mark, I felt like I could move on with someone else. We connected intellectually right away and you better believe that with a face and body like that I would be connecting with him physically on an even higher level.

We had to meet. We were chatting over the phone Wednesday night and I proposed that we go out on Thursday for some drinks on a patio somewhere. He agreed and I was psyched to be meeting this guy.

Thursday morning before I went to work I got a phone call and it was Scott (that's his name). He sounded down and he told me that he wouldn't be able to make our date because his father had a heart attack and he had to head out of town to be with him. I completely understood and couldn't fault him for bailing on me - I actually would have faulted him for ditching his dad for our date. I was a little bummed but I knew we'd get together sometime soon and I went out with some girls from work instead.

When I was out with the girls I started talking about Scott and asked if anyone remembered him from the competition night. One of my friends said she did, she described where he was sitting and who he was with and the story matched the one that Scott told me. I got her in front of a computer, brought up the photo album, and got her to confirm that he was who he said he was. I still couldn't believe that someone that hot would be pursuing me online but she confirmed his pics and I got even more excitied because it was starting to feel real. I hadn't met him yet but one of my friends had.

Scott and I kept chatting over the phone and his father wasn't getting any better. He had to stay out of town to be with his family and he is also the executor of the will so there were some things he had to go over with his dad just in case. I was patient because I knew that this was tough for him and that he was worth the wait. He mentioned on the phone that his friend Albert was at my work for dinner and he saw me there. He had talked to Albert about me before so he knew who I was, and after he described Albert to me, I remember having seen him at my work several times. He always came in, would sit at the bar, and I would serve him one bloody caesar with no celery.

It felt strange that these phone calls had gone on for about 2 weeks and I still hadn't met Scott. He met my friend, his friend is one of my regulars - but still - nothing between Ryan and Scott.
So one night I'm working and in walks Albert. He sits down and I say hi and offer him a caesar without celery. This time he says no and orders a dirty vodka martini - my favourite drink. Next he asks me to change the tv to tennis - my favourite sport. Next he brings up Mr. Barney's - my title... this was all really fucked up. I started texting Scott. I wasn't panicking yet but I was trying to get him to text me while Albert was sitting at the bar. I got the feeling that I was being fucked with and I wanted to get this suspicion out of my head. No response.

Albert paid his tab and left and I was feeling really uneasy. One of the servers who was taking garbage out in the back ran to the bar and said, "Ryan! That creepy guy that was weirding you out was just running through the parking lot." A server from the patio comes in at the same time and says, "That guy was outta here like a bat out of hell!"

I went to the patio to watch him stomping through the parking lot and as soon as he was out of my sight I get a text from Scott. "Sorry I didn't get your messages. I was out for a run. What's up?" To which I respond, "Ya - I know you were out for a run. We just saw you running through the parking lot."

He denied my allegations. I called him after work and we talked about it. I didn't want to be too accusatory in case I was misjudging the situation, but I felt something was seriously wrong. I put my guard up right away, tried to maintain that I didn't think anything was up, and just wanted to get him to meet me so I could piece all of this mystery together. I could convince myself both ways - that he was a fraud - and that the Albert situation was just a weird awkward encounter because we both knew of each other. Plus there was my friend who met him and confirmed that is name was Scott and that he matched his pictures. This was all getting really confusing for me.

Two nights later, Scott called me and told me that he felt like I was doubting his identity and didn't want me to have any doubts at this important time as we're just getting to know each other. He told me he would come to London that night and meet me, hang out in person, put this confusion to rest and move forward. This seemed promising to me. I figured that if he was a fake there would be no way that he would be this direct and honest about proving who he was. I was out with my friends and we were all looking forward to seeing who showed up. I told him to text or call me when he was close and I would leave the bar and meet him so we could hang out one on one.

A few hours go by and Scott is nowhere to be found. I was texting him to no response and I knew that he wasn't going to show. I called him and got his voicemail and asked what was going on. He texted me back saying that he couldn't do this anymore, he didn't want to continue the lies, and that he was sorry for hurting me.

No - No. You don't fuck around with me and get off that easy. I called him. This time he answered and instantly apologized. I told him to tell me, "You're Albert aren't you? Just tell me." He told me that he was and that he didn't mean for things to turn out this way. "Well how the fuck did you expect them to turn out?!?! Did you expect to wake up one day and look like this Scott character? Or did you expect me not to notice that you don't look like your pictures? Or did you expect me to fall madly in love and not care that you lied about everything?"

His father's heart attack, his family, his age, his job, his pictures - EVERYTHING - was a lie. There is no way I was the first person he's done this to because he was so convincing and the details of everything were so in depth that the story must have been worked over and recited numerous times. "You're fucking disgusting! All of the conversations we had, everything I opened up to you about, and it was a lie the whole time. You're sick. I feel sorry for you that your life is that sad, that you have to pretend to be someone else just to get people to talk to you. You're pathetic. Don't call me. Don't text me. And if you ever show your face at my work again I will see to it that you're kicked out. Go fuck yourself!"

He has texted everyday since with pathetic pleas to talk. I have never responded.

Step Out

2008-08-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take a quick step out of the updates and leave a quick comment. This was originally going to be a comment in response to both Anonymouses that responded to "The Big Fat Gay Wedding", but it got lengthy so I am converting it into a post.

I understand that the Mark drama that has happened to me since the breakup is a result of my allowing for the opportunity for it to happen. Had I cut him out - Mark drama wouldn't exist. My reason for going to the wedding was not to be the center of attention. I know it might look like that, I can understand that... understanding, but, the real reason I went to the wedding was because I wanted to experience a gay wedding. It was something I had never been invited to, something that isn't legal around the world, something that not many people get to experience in their lifetimes. I went to the wedding because I want to see and do as much as possible in my lifetime and this wedding was one opportunity that I have no guarantee would ever present itself to me again.

In hindsight I would not have changed a thing. I do not feel sorry for myself for what happened that wedding night.

Another thing to keep in mind is that my posts are on a time delay. I am only finding time to write now but the events you are reading now are close to a month old. I have a few posts planned and I know there might be some more "negative comments" (in quotations because they can be read as negative even though I don't see them that way, nor do I take offense) to be received regarding my motives on some of the things you will be reading about shortly.

I am not wise. I have maturing to do. I react in ways that can be seen as disgraceful, after the fact, because these are new experiences for me. I am young, my eyes are opening to things I never thought I would have to see, I feel lonely, and I have made mistakes but not as many as I'm about to make. I guess I'll reuse a quote from my very first post:

"this blog will probably serve a few purposes. It might be therapeutic for me, it might be entertaining for others, and, in a very Oprahesque stretch of my credibility, it might even reach someone who can relate to or learn from my experiences."

It seems that I am the one learning from my own experiences and a lot of it has to do with the comments from you guys (or girls but I'm assuming guys). Whether the comments be positive or "negative".

Man Pagent

2008-08-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

Every summer the hot London patio bar holds two pagents - Miss Barney's and Mr. Barney's. Miss Barney's is a whore fest. It's a competition all about who is the hottest, sluttiest, sleaziest girl in the city. Mr. Barney's on the other hand is a little more well rounded. It's not as involved in the sex appeal department and has more focus on personality, humour, and confidence.

So one night I'm out at Barney's with a gang from work and the Mr. Barney's competition worked its way into the conversation. Before I knew it, my friends had taken advantage of my drunkeness and I was scribbling my information down on the application form. It was a perfect display of peer pressure. My friends had spent so much energy convincing me of why I would win, they decided everything I would do in each segment of the competition, they vowed to show up in support and all they needed was for drunk Ryan to sign on the dotted line - and I did. The next day I was hesitant and thought about withdrawing but when I got to work the whole restaurant was buzzing about me entering this contest. It was impossible to turn around and say no so I sucked it up and started strategizing the best way not to make an ass of myself.

The competition had 4 components. Casual wear, swimwear, talent, and questions. I showed up the day of the event and all of the guys gathered in the holding area. It was pretty intimidating. There were 12 of us in total and I think I had the best face, but there were some guys there with beautiful bodies and I had no idea what they had planned for the talent or what their personalities would be like in answering the questions. My friends were super confident that I would win but upon seeing the competition I felt like I was going to let everyone down. That's what I don't like about entering something with the pretense of winning. With that mindset one has nothing to gain and everything to lose.

The bar pumped us full of booze to loosen us up but I decided that I would stay sober because my talent allowed little room for disorientation. The first component was casual wear. They brought all of us on stage in jeans and t-shirts and talked to us for a couple of minutes to get to know us. I was contestant number 4 and the second I walked on stage the crowd went crazy. I had the biggest fan base by far which helped boost my confidence and shook some of the other guys a bit too. They called me up to talk to the MC and she read my cue card about my educational history, where I work, and my interests. My interests were recycling, building sandcastles in the sun, skinny dipping in moonlit thunderstorms and rescuing kittens. The MC asked me to comment on rescuing kittens to which I responded, "You know, I have a hard time saying no to a pussy in need". The girls went nuts. They were screaming, cheering, laughing. It felt great. The MC was trying to get some more words in there but she had to wait for the crowd to settle a bit. My intro was done and I was smiling to myself knowing that all of my friends knew this was a croc of shit and that I could say no to a pussy any day of the week.

After the first round, a bunch of the cocky ass holes had shut up a bit and were getting bitter about the turn out I produced. No one stopped them from rallying an army so they can't blame me for doing it. We went back to the holding area and got ready for the swimsuit component. This part was hilarious. My swimsuit was a pair of white lululemon shorts with a green dinosaur floatie around my waist. I went with the cute silly approach because I don't have the body to go for raw sex appeal. While we were waiting to be called back to the stage the other guys started doing push ups and sit ups and chin ups and oiling their chests... I was just sitting there in my floatie, aroused, watching 11 half naked straight guys work out and massage their bodies with baby oil. It was also amusing to see how serious these guys were taking this while at this point I had relaxed and was just having fun.

Back on stage they had combined the swimsuit and question components. They called us each out in our swimgear and then asked us 3 questions each:

Q1: "What are your two best assets and can you show us or tell us about them?"

A1: I pointed to my left dimple then my right dimple and I said, "One and two." and then I gave all of the judges a big open mouthed smile, again playing the cute card. This earned me a lot of smiles and sincere cheers considering a lot of the other guys were dirty and said their cocks or other cheezy sleazy shit like that.

Q2: "Where is the strangest place you've ever bumped uglies?"

A2: "Well the lady who I shared this with is here tonight so I hope she doesn't mind me saying this, but we were at a wedding reception and things were getting a little dull, so we ventured off onto the golf course and decided to have a little fun of our own."

MC: "Wow. Do you know what hole your were on?"

Ryan: "To be honest, I really don't know which hole I was in."

This was an honest answer (except for which hole I was in - I was in her pussy - I know that), but the judges were digging the fact that I was giving my kink in subtle doses rather than being in your face like the other guys.

Q3: "Describe for us your perfect woman."

A3: (Prepare for bullshit - my friends were laughing before I even started answering this one but here goes) "The perfect woman to me would be beautiful, sweet, intelligent. She would give me butterflies everytime she walked into the room. She would be someone I would want to lay in bed with and hold in my arms until we fell asleep - but sleep would be bittersweet because that would just be more time that I couldn't spend looking into her beautiful eyes."

There were a lot of "awwwww's" and laughs, and snickers. One girl yelled, "That is such bullshit but it's soooo sweet!" And then there were more laughs and cheers and my questions were over.

Thankfully they gave us all a variety of questions and they told us what we would be asked ahead of time, so I was able to prepare these answers that I might not have come up with on the spot under pressure.

3 down - 1 to go - talent.

I decided to make use of my flair bartending for this part of the pagent. Most of the other guys had lame talents - getting slapped in the face by 10 girls, doing elevated dips with a girl on his lap while he chugged a beer, riding a pony on a stick, skateboarding, drums.... So I felt that my talent was real and appropriate considering this was a competition being held by a bar.

Cue music.... "The Way You Make Me Feel" by Michael Jackson starts playing and right away the crowd started going crazy. I start my routine and everyone was getting really pumped. This was something that had never been done in a Mr. Barney's competition and the crowd was eating it up. Looking at the pictures you can see the guys in the background covering their faces with a "we're fucked!" expression while I was juggling glasses, tins, bottles, and lemons. I was doing well but I didn't prepare for the height of the ceiling over the stage. It was ridiculously low and one of my bottles hit it, ricocheted to the floor, smashed a glass, and rolled off the stage. I looked at the Judges, smiled, and said, "You didn't see that!" Then I picked up the bottle and continued. It was tough to get back on track after being thrown off like that but I managed and closed off the show with a bang. My finish was climactic so to speak. I had a can of sprite with a hole poked in the top and I covered it with my finger, shook it, and when the music wound down and Michael said, "OOOOoooohhhh", I put the can to my crotch, released my finger, and ejaculated all over the crowd. The bar erupted. I finished making the drink, gave it to a judge and returned to the line. The other guys all came over and high fived me, shook my hand, and gave me props for my show.

We went backstage again to get back into our casual wear and prepare for the results. The other guys were all telling me that I was top 3 for sure. This was flattering but I didn't want top 3 - after giving it my all I wanted 1st. They called us back on stage to announce the winners.

In 3rd place was this scrawny geek who was hilarious. I thought he would have won because the crowd loved him but apparently not.

In 2nd place was this sexy motherfucker who got the ladies excited and was certain he was going to win.

In 1st place - ME!!!!

It was so exhilarating. The crowd went crazy, the entire bar was going nuts for me, and I had to head to center stage to claim my prize. The manager came up to me with an envelope holding $1000 cash, then presented me with a champions "Mr. Barney's 2008" belt, as well as a gift bag filled with a $450 gym package, $200 tanning package, hats, t-shirts, a gift card to a health store, whey protein... It was quite the prize for a night of tomfoolery.

One of the other perks was that they announced my win on the Barney's billboard which towers over the main street in London. The petty guy in me was satisfied that the next morning when Mark drove to work - he would be slapped in the face with a 20 foot sign congratulating Mr. Barney's 2008 - Ryan.

Gentle Let Down

2008-08-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of inquiries about the Rob situation so I'll fill y'all in on the latest with him.

He was too much for me. Great guy; fantastic guy; but there was no spark on my end. I enjoy hanging out with him and everything but he has too many feminine tendencies for me to spark with him sexually.

He was texting me one day while I was working about me coming to Toronto that weekend to visit him, or him coming to London to visit me. At this point I hadn't checked my work schedule for the weekend, I didn't know what was going on with my friends and family, and I was still on the fence about whether or not I wanted to cut off the romance with him and downgrade to buddies. Well I checked my schedule and it gave me next to no time off so I texted him and said it was unlikely that it would work out. Well he got the impression I wasn't trying and called me after I got off work to find out "where I stood". I'm glad he called because I wasn't 100% sure where I stood until he called.

The conversation was very aggressive, he was persistent, and was grilling me and pressuring me to define exactly what we were. He emphasized how patient he has been, how understanding he has been about the Mark situation but he needed me to give him something. I know he has been supportive and I thank him for that but I have made it clear since day one that I wasn't looking for anything serious. We had gone out 4 times and already had 2 of these conversations so that was screaming "serious" at me and I told him that he was smothering me. I could tell he was hurt. I actually used the word "smothering" and I think that's when he knew that I was pushed a little too hard. He told me that those weren't his intentions and that he would try to ease up and be more patient, but I had the momentum I needed and I finalized that we could only be friends.

Someone at work had compared blowing someone off to pushing over a vending machine. With the drama I had been having lately I didn't want the rock back and forth tease. I wanted to grab that machine and tip it over in one push, smash the glass, and have it over with. It's tough to blow someone off when there really is only your gut guiding you, but I didn't want to rock this vending machine any longer. He's a great guy but just not THE great guy for me.

It was a tough, long phone call, but I felt like a weight had been lifted and it was the right thing to do. We're still on friendly terms and I'm sure we're going to be fine as long as he doesn't try to revert into something romantic or sexual.

Update Part 4 - Big Fat Gay Wedding

2008-07-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 4th - Rob came to visit me in London. He sort of invited himself over but I had the day off work and figured I might as well welcome the distraction. There was a minor glitch in our plans. Rob needed to park in my space, but Mark still had the garage door opener. I texted Mark and told him to drop off the opener after work. The timing was terrible. Mark arrived at about 4:40 and Rob was scheduled to arrive at 5:00. Mark asked me why I needed the opener and I told him that I would need the space overnight. He saw through my wish washy answer and asked if Rob was coming over. I have nothing to hide and no reason to lie so I told him the truth.

Mark was frantic. I could see how jealous he was that I was having an overnight guest and he looked like the lack of control he had over the situation was driving him crazy. He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket that had a whole bunch of emotional lovey dovey things on it. He read the list to me, and expected that his last outreach would cause me a change of heart. It didn't.

He stormed out and Rob texted me 5 seconds after the door shut saying that he had just gotten off the highway and would be arriving in about 15 minutes. I sat down and just wanted to chill out before Rob got to my place. My door flew open and Mark charged into my apartment. "I want to meet him! I want to know who gets to have you." He was shaking and furious and I had never really seen him like this before. I didn't give him anything in terms of conversation. I just kept saying, "Mark you have to leave. Please leave." Eventually he left but I was scared that he would just wait outside of my building or something. It was weird to see him like this, and I should have taken it as the first warning of what would happen the next day.

So that night Rob and I hung out, went to a festival that was going on in the city then crashed at my place. Before we went to sleep I told Rob that I was finding it difficult to connect with him, probably because of the freshness of the issues with Mark. He didn't take it very well at all, got upset with me, told me that I was leading him on, and was pissed. I let him know that I was just being honest with him, that I wanted my feelings to be otherwise but I couldn't force it and that I didn't want him to have a false impression about where we stood. He eventually calmed down and admitted he was overreactiing before we went to bed.

We woke up to pounding on my front door. "Let me in! Ryan! I know you're in there!" It was Mark. I looked through the peephole and tried not to make any sound. Right at the moment I looked through the peephole, he tried looking through on the other side of the door and he said "I can see you...". I know he couldn't see me but it was fuckin freaky and reminiscent of a horror movie. I went back to bed and decided that I would just ignore him and let him leave when he got tired of making a fool of himself. After about 10 minutes he was gone and it really shook Rob and I up at 8:30 in the morning. This was warning # 2 and I ignored it as well, allowing myself to be part of the spectacle that would unfold after the wedding Mark and I were going to later that day.

It was my first gay wedding and there was no way in hell I was going to miss it, so when Rob left to go back to Toronto, I called Mark and made sure he was somewhat sane. He apologized, told me he didn't know what he was thinking and assured me that he would behave himself today. I accepted that and went to the wedding with him solely because I wanted to go to a gay wedding. The ceremony was great and the reception was a lot of fun. It was exactly like a straight wedding but there were 2 grooms and surprisingly it didn't seem strange or awkward or anything. I even ended up slow dancing with Mark which was something I never thought I would do with another guy. All in all the event turned out to be really nice and nothing from the morning had resurfaced - until the reception ended.

After the reception, a group of us decided to head out to the gay bar for a little after party. Mark was no where to be found and I kept calling him, I looked everywhere for him, searched high and low and he was just gone, so I decided to head out to the bar without him. The group of friends was leaving and I didn't want to be left at the reception by myself so I stuck with my friends. 5 minutes after we get to the bar Mark shows up. He was livid. "You ditched me! What the fuck Ryan! How could you just leave me there?!" He was shaking, fuming, turning red in the face, and then he hit me. It was a drunken swing so it didn't do too much damage but it was enough that I wasn't going to put up with this. I told him to stay at the bar, that I was leaving, and that I wasn't going to let our relationship shit ruin everyone else's night. I left the bar. He followed me. He kept screaming at me in the street, getting in my face and in complete hysterics. I called his mom and Mark grabbed my phone and hung it up before I could say anything. I eventually got the phone back and called her again. This time I got through and told her that I was worried, that Mark was drunk, violent, and not himself, and that she needed to come pick him up. She was on her way.

When we got out front of my building Mark said that he needed to come upstairs to get his phone, that he left it in my apartment when we made a small pit stop there after the ceremony. I told him that wasn't going to happen, that he was scaring me and that there was no way I was going to bring him into my home at a time like this. This made him even more furious. "Cheating on you was the best thing I ever did! It was the best sex I ever had. You were never enough for me, you could never be enough for me. Go ahaead - move back to Toronto with Katie, fuck her every night if you want to. I don't care anymore!" I know he was drunk and stupid and only trying to piss me off so I let the nonsense about how great his affair was slide. But when anyone speaks poorly about Katie I go nuts. I stepped into his face and said, "Shut the fuck up! Don't you ever mention Katie's name ever again - you don't deserve to. Do you understand me?" He hit me again and tried a drunken kick that didn't ammount to much. I pushed him to the ground and went inside my building.

I knew that he wouldn't be able to get in unlesss a resident let him in, and that his mom would be there soon, so I figured it would all be over in a few minutes. He started pounding on the apartment door, screaming at the top of his lungs again. It was scary to watch but I knew he wouldn't get in. Then - a group of people came out of the elevator and started heading towards the front door. I told them that Mark didn't live here, that he was drunk and violent and coming after me and that they can't let him in. They tried their best. They held the door open only a crack as they each tried to squeeze through but Mark just grabbed it, yanked it open, and started coming through. I dialed 911. I was on the line with the dispatcher and told her what was happening, showed Mark my phone and told him that the police were coming, so he backed off.

About 3 minutes later, 3 cruisers show up at the exact same time as Mark's mom. They took my statement, talked to Mark and his mom, made me go get his phone because he was still freaking out about it, and then told me that they were going to press charges against him. I thought that this was a little extreme. Mark is going through the immigration process right now with his mom and his sister and I knew that being charged with a criminal offense wouldn't make anything easier for his family, so I asked the police to drop the charges. They told me that it was a generous thing to do, and that the record of the incident will be kept on file anyways. They said that if anything like this ever happens again, I will need to get a restraining order.

That night was the end of Mark and I. No more talking, no emails, no facebook, no texting - nothing. Over.

Update Part 3 - Canada Day

2008-07-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have a bad habit of sleeping with my exes on their birthdays. It has actually only happened once - but I only have one ex-boyfriend so you could call that 100%. I did not sleep with Canada on July 1st... I slept with Mark who just so happens to share the same birthday. Make my track record 2 for 2.

Mark came over Monday night - the day after pride with Rob - and we talked for a bit. We are reading a book that is supposed to help us get through the affair, either together, or apart, and we had both completed the first exercise and needed to compare notes. Our discussion went late into Monday night and I let him sleep over. Nothing happened - yet - but in the morning when we woke up we both had morning wood and we ended up jerking off together. Mark drove me to work afterwards and I spent the day feeling mischevious for what had happened in the morning.

The restaurant was dead that day. Long weekend - everyone was out of the city - it was so slow that they sent me home after an hour and cancelled my shift that evening. I called Mark and he came to my work, picked me up, and we went back to my place. This was the weakest I've been since the breakup. On Mark's birthday, I just wanted to be happy. I had spent so much energy dwelling on how I'd been hurt, trying to sort out my emotions, thinking about my past and future and just driving myself nuts in my head. On this day I just wanted to pretend that none of it happened - that it was just a bad dream and I wanted to let things go back to normal.

I was too ambitious in what I wanted from Mark. It is way too early to be friends again and I was stupid to think that we could be the exception. That day when we were hanging out, we were both emotionally vulnerable, both attracted to each other, we both felt lost and out of our comfort zones. We have history together, we're comfortable with each other sexually and the mix of all of our confusion led us to have sex. It actually happened twice (not including the jerk off session in the morning). I fucked Mark before we went out to play tennis, and then I fucked him again later that night.

The problem in doing this was obvious but we ignored our reasoning and did it anyways. For me the sex was very lustful. I treated his ass like a warm, moist, hole that had no purpose other than pleasing my cock. Sex with him on this day was different than any other day because I was selfish. I didn't give a shit what felt good for him or what he wanted. All I cared about was pounding his hole, with a sense of punishment, and enjoying myself. For Mark, it was emotional. We talked about it the next day and he was hurt when I told him that it was just sex on my end. He took it as a sign that we would get back together and that things were improving, but there were no thoughts of reconciliation from my end. It confused Mark more, we agreed not to let it happen again, and identified our mistake as a mistake.

In the back of my mind I felt a bit guilty on Rob's behalf. We never talked about being exclusive, we had only seen each other three times, but I feel like he is gunning for more and it would piss him off to know that Mark and I slept together again.

Update Part 2 - Pride

2008-07-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

So after my date with Rob we decided that we would see each other again. We had fun together, we get along, he's a nice guy, and it's fun to have a distraction from Mark. People have told me that the best way to get over one guy is to get under another, so having someone that I could potentially get under is appealing right now.

2 days after our date, Wednesday, I was in Toronto again watching the finals of the bartender's competition that I was involved with. I didn't really plan on seeing Rob but once I got liquored up - the drunk calls and texts started. At 10 o'clock he said to me - it's now or never, either we each go on with our nights separately, or I come pick you up and we can hang out at my place. I picked option B. I let my manager know that I would not be getting on the bus back to London and left the event to go spend more time with Rob. Unfortunately I was pretty wasted, just ended up passing out at his place, but in the morning we had time to chat and blow each other before I hopped on a train back to London so I could get to work on time.

It was weird to suck another guy's cock after I have been used to only having one dick in my mouth for the past year and a bit. Rob's is really thick, but not as long as Mark's, so I was not used to having to open my mouth as wide as I did to take Rob's meat. Either way, it was hot, but it just takes some getting used to having sexual relations with a new person, when you're used to being with someone who knows your body inside and out. This visit was short and sweet (and a little salty ;) ) but Toronto pride was coming up on the weekend and I was going to be in town again for the festivities.

I took a train into Toronto on Sunday for the pride parade and Rob picked me up from the station in the morning when I arrived. It was raining but he assured me that it would clear up for the afternoon. It did and the day turned out to be absolutely beautiful. We drank a lot, starting around noon, then headed to the parade for 2. By the time we got there it was so packed that there was no hope of getting a good view, so we met up with one of my girldriends, socialized for a bit, then we all went back to Rob's place for more drinks. After BBQing some sausages and drinking more cocktails, we went to a bar on Church St. and partied as though it was midnight, yet it was only 4 in the afternoon.

My friend went back to her place and Rob and I decided to go back to his for a nap before the evening activities. When we got to his place we got naked, cozied up in his bed, and had sex. I let him fuck me first but his cock was way to fat for me to take for a long period of time. It slipped out of my ass and I didn't let him put it back in. I needed a break and I need to stretch myself out a bit first before I'd let him try to fuck me again. Instead - I fucked him. It was nothing fantastic. Drunk and weary from the afternoon, he rode me until he came but I didn't even have it in me to finish. I'm not saying he's bad in bed, simply that with the amount of booze we had and being drained from the afternoon, I expect better in the future.

We slept for a bit and then hit the vodka again for some pre-evening drinks. My friend came back with her rooomies, we hung out, then headed to Circa, Toronto's newest trendy gay/straight club, for the pride "Last Dance" after party. We drank more, danced, then called it a night around 1 and Rob and I retired to his place.

When we got back we poured ourselves a couple of drinks and hung out on the couch. He looked at me and unexpectedly said, "I'm sorry that he hurt you. You, more than anyone I know, do not deserve that." That was it for me. I burst into tears and it was one of the only times I had broken down since the break-up. He asked me what was wrong and I assured him that it wasn't him, that I beem bottling everything up and his words struck a chord with me. We talked about what happened between Mark and I for a bit then headed to bed.

In the morning, we had some breakfast, Rob drove me back to the train station, and I headed back to London. It was a great day and I was pissed at myself for breaking down but the booze and the sweet words from Rob were too much to fight.

After pride weekend Rob has expressed an increased seriousness about me. He invited me to his cottage, where his parents live, for the next weekend and I was caught off guard. I don't bring people around my family unless it is very serious and the person is truly special to me. I didn't know what this meant and it was scaring me off a bit to think that he wanted me to come and meet his family. I'm still dealing with my Mark issues and to be meeting a new guy's family felt a little over the top. I addressed my issue with him. I told him that I thought it was too soon to be "meeting the parents" and that I just want to take things slow. He assured me that it was not a tribute to our seriousness - that it was just that he wanted to show me another aspect of his life. He told me that his parents know I'm not their future son-in-law but that he is really interested in me and wanted me to learn more about him. It was reassuring to confirm that we are on the same page but I still feel that he is more serious about me than I am about him.

Update Part 1 - Rob

2008-07-02T09:43:00.001-07:00

I met someone new.

In my search for finding The Other Man I got back into the online game. Just checking guys out, seeing who's out there, reminding myself that there are other fish in the sea. I'd chat with guys (when they have hot pics of course) but the second they ask me what my stats are, what I'm into, or what I'm looking for, DELETE! Yes it can be exciting to meet a hot new guy to fuck around with, but I've promised myself that the random hook up for sex thing isn't going to happen. I did that whole thing when I was between Paul and Mark and it didn't make me feel very good, never filled the void I was looking to fill, and I always felt like I was selling myself short. Along comes Rob.

I started chatting with him and he was nothing but class. There was nothing dirty or sexual about what he wanted to chat about and I was surprised that I found someone online that wasn't looking for a quick fuck, but genuinely seemed like he was looking for a friend with the door open to more. We stayed up for about 3 hours chatting, until 3am, when he mentioned that if I was ever in Toronto he would like to take me out on a date. This was on Saturday June 21st and I had the following Monday off work so I mentioned that I could be in Toronto Monday night if that worked for him and he was serious. It did, and he was, so I made my travel plans to head to my parents place in Toronto Sunday after work, so I'd be available for this date.

Monday rolls around and I head into the city on the subway. I was pretty awkward and nervous considering that I had never seen him in person and had no idea what to expect. I had done this before with disastrous consequences before so I was apprehensive. I stood outside of the station and waited for his call because he was coming to meet me. Yada Yada Yada... he calls and told me which direction he was coming from so I walked towards him and looked for someone on a cell phone that resembled his pics. I saw him and he saw me from a distance and the first words out of his mouth at that moment were, "Well that's hard to miss." That made me smile and he seemed like a nice guy, so I started to get a little more comfortable.

We hopped back on the subway and headed to the harbour to check out some sailboats. He has been sailing for years and is really into boats so he planned that we would walk by the water, talk for a bit, and check out the ships to pass the time. It started raining on us so we quickly walked to a bar to have a drink before dinner. Naturally I started to get more comfortable once the drinks started flowing so conversation was easier and the palms stopped sweating.

After our drink at the bar we grabbed a cab and headed to the restaurant. It was a really cool place. High end and expensive, but casual and non-pretentious. Fantastic food and atmosphere but you can dine in your shorts and flip flops without being out of place. The dining room was closed for a private function so we went to the sky lounge on the rooftop to eat. There were no tables so we sat and the bar and had a few martinis while we waited for a seat.

Rob definitely knows how to dine in style. Whenever I went out with Mark you could tell he ordered with prices in mind, whereas I prefer to just order what I want, drink as much as I want, and have the best time possible. My philosophy is that if you're worried about the price when you go out for dinner, stay home and cook yourself something nice for a fraction of the price. Well, Rob took my philosophy to the next level. The cocktails kept flowing, we got a beautiful bottle of wine, two starters and then we split the most expensive thing on the menu which was a gigantic "steak for two". $350.00 later dinner was done and I was flabergasted because I had never been out for a dinner for 2 with a bill that high. Rob paid for everything and would not take no for an answer. He wouldn't let me get any cab fares, subway tickets, drinks before or after dinner - he told me that he asked me out, so the everything for the evening was on him.

Before we knew it, it was 12:30am and we were still hanging on a patio in the gay village having drinks. I knew that getting back to my parent's place in the suburbs would be a challenge this late, so Rob offered his place for me to spend the night. He told me that he had no ill intentions, that he didn't want to disrespect or offend me, and that it would just be spending the night with no expectations. I agreed to spend the night so we finished our drinks and headed back to his place.

After hanging with his roomate and his roomate's catch of the day, we went into his bedroom and got ready for bed. Well, as much as we both wanted to be good boys, and we told each other over and over that we would be good boys, we started making out, both of us were hard, and we started to feel each other's cocks through our clothes. I knew we had to slow it down so I stopped and said that we should go outside for a cigarette to cool off. We smoked, talked some more and then headed to bed where, surprisingly we were very good boys.

In the morning... we were only semi good. Both of us woke up with raging hard cocks and we reasoned in a very flirty way that if we just jerked off together, it wouldn't be naughty and we would have maintained our good boy promises. Both of us shot gigantic loads which really turned me on because I have a bit of a cum fetish. He drenched everything from himself, to me, to his pillows, to the sheets - that creamy goodness was everywhere. We cleaned up, showered, and then as I got ready to leave he told me not to take public transit, that he would drive me instead. It was really nice because it saved me time and money as well as giving us a little more time to hang out.

All in all, a fantastic first date that left a great impression and sold me on meeting him again.

The Other Man

2008-06-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

I did something that shocked all of my friends. I invited the other man over to my apartment. It was about 2:00am, I was a little buzzed, and we were chatting over msn. Not sure why, but I asked him to come over and hang out. He showed up around 2:30am and we just hung out, watched tv, and drank a couple of bottles of wine. We stayed up until the sun came up and by 5:30am I told him that he could crash on my couch and sober up before he leaves. I went to bed and around 11:30am I got a tap on my foot from him telling me that he was leaving and that he wanted to see me again. I have no interest in seeing him again, but the visit did a lot for me.

1- I compared myself to him and assured myself that he has nothing on me. He seemed desperate, lonely, and knowing that this was the person who would suck Mark's cock a couple of times without even knowing his name only made me feel bad for him.

2- There was closure in confronting the issue and in the fact that there were absolutely no hard feelings toward him even though he had a hand in ending my relationship.

3- I saw Mark's weakness and lack of character through him, and was coming to peace with the idea that people make mistakes. Not that I will forgive and forget, but I can move forwards knowing that I deserve more than this type of weakness and lack of character.

4- He looked smoking hot in his online pics which bugged me, but after seeing how he carried himself, his mannerisms, speech patterns etc. I didn't find him attractive at all. Again, finding another one up on him helped me find value in myself as shallow as it might seem.

Everyone thought I was nuts, but it was definitely something I needed to do to deal with this in a mature way and to help me move forward.

In other news... I had a pretty wild night at the bar the next day. It was a good friend's going away party and we had a complete blast. Drinking, dancing, laughing... I felt really free and this was one of my first night's out where I was myself again and not dwelling over Mark.

When I woke up in the morning I had this weird feeling that I had made out with someone. Strange because I went out with all straight people to a straight bar, so I shrugged it off and figured I had dreamt it or something. I met some friends for breakfast and none of them brought up me making out with someone so I really let it slide and gave it no more thought.

When I showed up to work yesterday, Pig Girl asked me how I was feeling and if I was still hungover. We talked about the night, had a few laughs, and then she casually asked if I remembered making out with her. Pig Girl! I had no recollection of this at all and it is definitely not something I would ever wish to do, but I had, and then I burst out laughing. I was the talk of the town at work because the girls were high-fiving her for getting a hot gay guy to make out with her, and the guys were telling me that it wasn't fair for me to have everyone. They told me I need to choose a team and stay on it. I find this completely hilarious. Especially since she is the last person I would ever want to make out with, I completely hated her for 2 years, and to think that this would ever happen is just so far fetched. I figure it was my way of acting on my freedom, that I now have the luxury of doing what I want, when I want, with whomever I choose, but seriously people.... Pig Girl?

I'm seeing Mark tonight after our 3 day, no contact, hiatus. I'm interested to hear what these days have been like for him and what he's been up to. His reaction to the other man and Pig Girl should be very entertaining.

I'll leave you with this song. I heard it last night and it made me cry because I felt like if Mark could write me a song right now it would be this one:

June 10th 'til Now

2008-06-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

It was Tuesday, June 10th, and I just got home from a nice lunch with Katie for her graduation. It was a bit of a strange lunch because it was her and I, her mom and her stepdad, as well as her dad and her stepmom. Her mother and stepfather know that I am gay, and that Katie and I have remained best friends through everything over time, but her father still has it in his head that I will eventually be his son-in-law. Everything was great - amazing food, champagne, wine... it was a fantastic start to what I thought would be a fantastic day.I had been texting Mark all day telling him that I couldn't wait to see him. That I needed a big hug and a really nice kiss because I missed him. It had been a while since we had alone time and we would have it tonight.

My graduation was the next day and my mom was coming to spend the night at my place, but we were going to see each other before she arrived. She ended up calling me to let me know that she would be in town around 5:00, which wouldn't leave Mark and I too much time, but I told him it gave us enough for some cuddling, and a little intimacy after he got off work.3:00 the phone rings. It was a nurse from the clinic. She told me her name and her position which scared me because I know they only call if you test positive for something. She told me that I had gonorrhea and my blood started to boil. I was stuttering, shaking, pacing around my apartment because I was terrified about what this meant. I told her that Mark and I had both been tested together and we were clear for everything and that this didn't make sense because we were monogamous. She kindly told me that I needed to have a serious conversation with him, because the only way to catch this would be through unprotected sexual conduct with someone that has gonorrhea.I was furious. I texted Mark and told him that we needed to talk and that he needed to get to my place as soon as he could.

When he showed up at my apartment I told him to sit down. I let him know that I have gonorrhea and he said, "Well then I must have it too." I said, "Ya no shit. Do you care to tell me where you caught it?" He told me that he didn't know what I mean and that he had only ever been with me since we were together. "Well the I must be some sort of medical marvel to catch gonorrhea without any contact with the disease then," I said sarcastically. Mark just said, "We can talk to the doctors to find out how it was possible for you to catch this, but I swear I haven't been with anyone else."I knew he was lying. If Mark approached me and told me that he has gonorrhea, and I knew that I didn't cheat, I sure as shit would be asking him if he had. I knew that if he didn't cheat he would be accusing me of cheating - and he didn't.

"Look Mark. I'm not going to start screaming and yelling. I won't be angry and aggressive. We don't even have to talk about it. This is my health and it's serious. All I need is a yes or no."

"Well I want to talk about it."

"So there's something to talk about?"

"Yes."

The story he gave me at that point was that he met someone once in December and they only jerked off together. I called bullshit on that story. I'm not an idiot and I know that this scene wouldn't leave me with gonorrhea in June. The story changed into him getting head from this other guy, but it was only once. I called bullshit on that story. I'm not an idiot and I know that if it happened once, it happened again. The story changed into him meeting a second time, but left right away because he felt bad and he didn't do anything that time. Bullshit! The story changed again to him leaving in the middle of a blow job because he felt guilty. I told him that this was enough. He was lying, his story kept changing, he was trying to get off easy but the damage was done and I couldn't trust anything that he was saying to me. The person he was messing around with, at least the one he admitted to, was someone that he met online. These were pre-meditated encounters. He went online looking to get off, and he got off, and now he can fuck off.

I later found out that the truth is he got head twice. Once in April, once in May.

My mom buzzed up from my apartment lobby. I told him to leave. I told my mom everything. Katie came out to dinner with us and we all talked about everything and I vented.I got together with Mark that night. We got into his car and drove to a quiet area to talk. He begged forgiveness, told me how much of a mistake he had made and pleaded for me to give him a chance to show me how much he loved me. I told him that I had given him a chance. This past year was his chance. I stayed in London to give him a chance. I juggled a double life over my last year of university to give him a chance. I made sacrifice after sacrifice and he gave me nothing. I think this is why my feelings had already started to change before I found this out, but regardless, he had his chance and blew it. He would have cheated again if I didn't catch him and he is only sorry now because he got caught. I'm better than him and I deserve better than him. I told him that he is no longer my boyfriend. He was holding his stomach, he was sweating, he was short of breath, then he got out of the car and threw up. He looked so pathetic. He was crying and begging for a second chance but he knew what would happen in this situation. He was greedy and selfish and he took a gamble and he lost.

June 11th was my convocation. The "I'm sorry" texts didn't stop all afternoon. I ignored them. When I walked into the great hall for the ceremony, there was an orchestra playing and it reminded me of the iron ring ceremony where Mark placed my engineering ring on my finger inviting me into the brotherhood of the profession. I teared up. I was so emotional and it spoiled the day for me. Instead of enjoying my achievement I was sitting there, in my graduation robes, trying to make sure no one saw me crying.The ceremony ended at 5:30 and the clinic where I had to get my medication closed at 7:00. I took pictures for 5 minutes then went straight to the clinic. When all of my friends were going out to dinner with their families for their special day, I was headed to a sex clinic for gonorrhea medication.

Mark was there. He needed the medication too and to get tested again. He told me that he told his mom everything. That he couldn't work that afternoon and had to go home because he was crying. When he got home his mom saw how troubled he was and they talked about everything. At least something good came from this. It opened up his relationship with his mom and now they have their issues out in the open. I hope he wasn't thinking that telling his mom would be a gateway, some sort of offering, back to me.He drove me home from the clinic and continued to plead for my love. I told him no. He cried. I felt sorry for him but told him that I couldn't take him back because he really wants me. I need to really want him and right now I don't.

Thursday he was out of town and I didn't see him, but he got back really late on Friday night and texted me to see if we could talk. I was leaving the bar, and I was drunk, and I agreed. Bad move. When we got to my place I ripped into him for 2 hours on my balcony. Everything about how horrible he is, how disgusting what he did is, how much he doesn't deserve me, how much I put into the relationship and how little I got in return. I held nothing back and we were both crying. It was really late and I was wasted and sad and lonely and I let him spend the night in my bed. Nothing happened but I just wanted him there.

Saturday morning I was a mess. I woke up hungover about 10 minutes before we had to leave my apartment to get me to work on time. I started bawling in the car and realized that the sadness was setting in. At the start I tried to be strong, then it turned to anger, then it was really deep, painful sadness. I was a disaster, I took a deep breath, wiped my tears and went into work. I had to avoid everyone for the first hour and make sure no one looked me in the eyes. If one person asked what was wrong, I would have lost it and had to leave. Mark picked me up from work and we decided to stay in drink some wine, and not talk about it. I wanted to spend the night hanging out as friends. Mark picked up a really nice bottle of wine and my favourite cheesecake as a peace offering, which was nice, but the way to this man's heart is not through his stomach. It was a dumb idea to hang out, everything was fresh in our minds, the pain is still so bad, and of course we talked about everything again. I assured him that he would not get me back, but we had a pretty fun night of playing board games, drinking wine, and listening to music.

Sunday I did something that everyone thought was stupid but for me it was the best thing I did since the break up. I went online and found the guy that Mark was with. It wasn't difficult, I knew his name, apartment building, and age so I found him really easily. I talked to him over msn. I told him what happened, that my boyfriend had cheated on me with him, that we are finished and that we both got gonorrhea from him. He was shocked and apologetic but I told him that I had no harsh feelings toward him, that he didn't know about me, and that Mark deserves all of the blame. I asked him to go see a doctor and get checked before he sleeps around with anyone else because, after everything I was feeling, I didn't want this to happen again. I also asked for everything that happened between the two of them and the stories matched up so I knew that Mark had finally told me the truth. This was a good sense of closure for me.

That afternoon I told Mark that I didn't want to see him but he asked me if I wanted to play tennis and I changed my mind. We had a good time. I'm seeing that we can hang out as friends, but I'm scared that I'm going to get confused and fall back into the relationship. He drove me to work after tennis and picked me up after my shift because I had more to talk about. I told him about my confusion. That my emotions are going from wanting to kill him, to wanting to kiss him, to wanting to have sex with a random, to wanting to move back to Toronto.... they're all over the place and I have no time to think for myself in a logical manner because he is always around, influencing me with his words and his emotional output. I told him that I need some time off. That he wasn't allowed to call or text or facebook or visit me until Thursday night when I get off work. This would give me 3 days to myself to hopefully find some clarity.

Tonight, after the first day of no contact, I called my ex Paul to talk about everything. I told him about the break-up after it happened and he left an amazing voice mail for me on my graduation day. It was such a great, strong, big-hearted message that I played it for my mom on speaker phone and it made her cry. She doesn't know him, didn't even know his name at the time, but the message was so honest and sweet that she could see how much it meant to me and it reduced her to tears. Well tonight he reduced me to tears for a completely opposite reason. When I called him he gave me a whole spiel about how I have to stop being so negative, that the place I'm in is a result of the decisions I've made, that I should never have stayed in London, that my negativity is going to make me a undesirable person to be around. For a good 45 minutes he forced his opinion that I'm being a baby, sulking and walking around miserable. He wouldn't stop until I started crying and told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore before hanging up. So much for him and his wisdom. I know he was trying to help, but telling someone who has been heartbroken and is grieving, and is feeling completely lost and lonely, "I told you so", is not the most helpful thing.

I have a lot of thinking to do. A lot of coping, grieving, and trying to straighten out my thoughts. The first decision I need to make though is whether I'm going to drink, smoke, or eat cheesecake tonight to make myself feel better.... probably a combination of the three.

Over

2008-06-12T18:37:00.000-07:00

Mark cheated on me. It happened more than once over the course of months. It turns out the infection I have "down there" is gonorrhea. Mark caught it from someone he was with, when he walked out of our relationship, then passed it to me. I dumped him. I'm hurt, cheated, and my relationship and the happiness I had with Mark has been taken away from me and I had no say in the matter. He didn't even have the respect to tell me about his infidelity. I found out over the phone with a call from a nurse. This is so unexpected, it's out of the blue, and I'm in shock. After everything I've put into making us work it's unfathomable that he could do this to me. I love him, and he stomped all over my heart because he is selfish. It was with someone he met online. Someone he didn't even know. He planned it, searched for someone that would work, and met him on more than one occasion for sex. He claims it was meaningless. If he could throw me away for a 20 minute "meaningless" encounter then I'm meaningless too. At least to him.

Stage Fright

2008-06-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

Alright, just got back from the doctor and the results were pretty inconclusive. Here's how it went.

I walk into the waiting room, grab a number, then take a seat with all of the awkward faced infectees. I got there a little before the hours of operation, I was #4, and they managed to call me in for the initial questions within about 10 minutes. Seeing as I am a "returnee" they didn't have to bother with that uncomfortable questionnaire where they first look a little shocked when I say I've been with men and women, then look disappointed when I tell them I've had unprotected sex. That bullshit was spared and it was straight to the chase.

Nurse - "So what can we do for you today?"

Ryan - "Well I think I have some sort of infection. It stings a little bit, minor stinging, when I... uh... go to the bathroom.... and there is occasional discharge... a.....uh.... sort of yellowish fluid that builds up sometimes."

Nurse (writing) - "Ok so a stinging sensation when you urinate as well as a yellow pus-like discharge coming out of the penis."

I much prefer the way I worded it but yes nurse... that about sums it up.

Nurse - "Would you like your blood taken as well while you're here today?"

Ryan - "Well I'm pretty sure my blood would be fine, you have my chart from my last visit and I've been with the same partner ever since... I don't like needles."

Nurse - "You can never be too safe, and since you're in anyways you might as well."

Ryan - "uh.... ok...."

Nurse - "Here's a sampling container. Just head into the bathroom and you can leave your urine sample on the desk over there."

Ryan - "I wish I drank more before coming... I don't really have to go."

Nurse - "Well we just need a little bit."

At this point I go into the bathroom and I knew I wouldn't be able to go. I didn't have to pee at all, and I could hear everything going on outside the door and to be honest I was scared that peeing would wash away the discharge that I wanted the doctor to see. I was standing, then I tried sitting and pushing really hard, then I tried flushing the toilet, running my hand under warm water at the sink... everything...

Nurse #2 - "Number 4! Where's number 4? Is number 4 still here?"

Nurse - "He's just in the bathroom, he should be out in a second."

FUCK!!! How can I be expected to go now. They announced to the entire waiting room that I'm up next, that I'm in the bathroom, and I should be out in a second... If they want me in a second I'm not providing them a sample!

Nurse - "Follow me. You can leave your sample on the counter."

Ryan - "I couldn't go."

Nurse (sort of frustrated) - "Oh"

Ryan - "Well I can just do the sample after the blood. Right?"

Nurse - "Yes that should be fine. Keep your cup with you and make sure it doesn't get confused with any other cups."

Nurse guides me to the examination room and I sit patiently, nervously, waiting for the doctor. He enters.

Doc - "So.... I hear you couldn't go?"

Fucking Nurse ratted me out!

Ryan - "Well... I didn't have to go... and then they were calling for me outside the door... and there was too much pressure..."

Awkward smile and laugh by Ryan

Doc - "No pressure. We can wait all day. There is another option though, however it is rather unpleasant."

Ryan - "What is it?"

Doc - "We can take a swab of the inner lining of your urethra."

Ryan - "Well do you have a vending machine or something? Somewhere I can have a few drinks and get myself ready to go? I'm sure I can get myself to go..."

Doc - "There's a water cooler in the waiting room."

So Doc takes my blood, sends me on my way, and I proceed into the waiting room, holding my cup, and I park myself beside the water cooler and drink 5 conical cups of water. It was humiliating. Everyone saw me come out, bring the cup, suck back the fluid, then go back in. It was embarrassing in a funny sort of way. Low and behold... RYAN WENT PEE!! I was so proud of myself, I slammed that sample on the counter, and strutted out of the clinic.

When I finally got outside I checked the texts I missed while I was having my pee ordeal. There was one from Mark that said he was outside waiting for me when I was all done. His Jeep was parked across the street and it meant a lot to me that he would come to pick me up. It was nothing too traumatic but knowing that he was there to support me, even through something smaller, earned him big points.

I told him all about the visit and then let him know that the doctor advised me not to have sex until the results were back.

Mark - "Well that's ok, we need to make sure you're healthy. That's the most important thing."

Ryan - "Ya it's ok for you! For the next 1 - 2 weeks you're gonna get your dick sucked more than you can imagine. A week of freebies!"

...and Mark just smirked for the rest of the ride home.

Gross

2008-06-04T08:01:00.001-07:00

So yesterday, while I was alternating between watching Planet Earth and watching porn, something happened that I decided to leave out of my post. I left it out because I didn't know what it was, but I searched the net a little today 'cuz it was bothering me.

I was jerking off, my cock was fully hard, I was milking just right, when I noticed a glob of really thick yellowish shit on the tip of my cock. I rarely pre-cum and when I do it is a lot more watery, and looks nothing like this did, so it sort of creeped me out. I scooped it onto my finger and smelled it, and though my cold has hindered my sense of smell, I could still tell that it was definitely not any variation of cum. Of course, I finished jerking off, but after I came I kept thinking about that strange goo. I usually spend the day thinking about using my dick but never do I chill out and analyze the anatomy of my cock, so this was a new thing to me.

Next I go to the bathroom to take a piss. Everything is cool, just a regular old tinkle, and then at the end of it, the final stretch of the stream, the tip of my cock starts to sting a little bit. Nothing too major, but definitely not something that felt nice or normal. I passed it off as something that had to do with jerking off hard, blowing my load, then pissing right after so I let this slide, but was still conscious for the rest of the day about what was going on inside my pants.

Mark arrives to take me out to see the Sex And The City movie so I get out of my jammies, put on a pair of white Calvin Kleins, some jeans, a sweater, then we head out to the show. Whatever, the movie was good - I'm a shitty homo and didn't really watch the tv series - but this isn't about the movie, it's about what I found in my briefs when I got home. There were little stains of yellowish nastiness crusted to the front of my underwear. I'm 22 years old, I'm potty trained, and the movie wasn't funny enough to make me have a slip, so I knew that these little messes were related to what happened earlier in the day when I was jerking off.

I'm not too concerned. The chances of me having an STD or STI, or whatever you want to call them, are slim considering Mark and I have been monogamous for 13 months and we both checked out clean last August, so I googled "urinary tract infection" to see if this might be what I have. Reading what was on the website I refined my self-diagnosis to "Urethritis". On this site it was defined as:

Inflammation or infection of the urethra leads to burning with urination. In men, urethritis may cause penile discharge.

Further reading about the demographics of people who get urethritis and I felt like they were describing me:

Homosexual men are at the highest risk of getting urethritis, which is weird because I'm totally straight dude (cough). People between the ages of 20-24 years are also at the top of the list and I'm sitting at 22, right in the middle of that pack. Finally those who engage in high-risk sexual behaviour such as anal sex without a condom also experience much higher occurrences than the average.

Lets review class:

Homosexual men, between the ages of 20-24 years, who engage in high-risk sexual behaviour such as anal sex without a condom.

That's me! The bio in my profile says that 1200 characters could never sum me up but now I'm thinking of changing it to that nifty little sentence above. This sucks. There's a free STD/STI clinic that I'm going to go to tonight, between the hours of 5-7pm, and hopefully they can do something for me. I know this isn't an STD/STI but if I act like I think it's one, maybe they won't be pissed for wasting their time. I should just be going to my family doctor which is back in Toronto but I would have to involve my parents because I have no idea who or where this doctor is. Apparently, there is a simple medication for this, and it should clear up rather quickly.

I pray to God the doctor isn't hot. I've always had a fantasy for the physical check-up/getting fucked by the doctor routine. If he has to squeeze a sample out of my cock like the eDoc sites say, he might get a little more of a sample than he's bargaining for if I see any trace of pecs or biceps.

Blah

2008-06-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

I feel disgusting these days. On top of the fatness and alcoholism I'm now bedridden with a cold - a cold that is probably the result of the fatness and alcoholism. I'm not one of those people that turn into a giant pussy when I get sick. I usually just suck it up and go on with my regualr life, but this time I'm making an exception. Going on with my regular life is what got me into this sloppy state, so it's time to be a giant pussy and pamper myself a little bit. I've just been lazing around my apartment all day, letting dirty dishes pile up around me and laundry overflow the hampers while I stimulate my cock to porn and stimulate my mind to that sweet documentary "Planet Earth". I seem to alternate - one chapter of the documentary, then one hot jerk session to some buff dudes poking at each other's holes. Pretty great day if you ask me though I'm dying to regain my energy so I can hit the gym. When I'm not working out, I feel ugly, and when I feel ugly I don't want to get naked, and when I don't want to get naked I don't want to have sex, and thinking of new ways to avoid having sex with Mark just drains my energy, keeps me out of the gym, and the cycle continues. There's still half of a giant chocolate cake that Darren's girlfriend Anna baked for my birthday. I appreciate the gesture but I think the first step to feeling and looking like me is to throw the rest of it in the garbage. I already took that step with the cigarettes. When I woke up on June 1st, Mark, Darren, and I tied my cigarettes to leftover helium balloons and then threw them off my balcony. The cheezy symbolism of the spectacle made me scream "This is for you Oprah!" as they took off and we all just about pissed ourselves laughing. No one believes that I'm actually going to quit but that's just because I've pretended to quit so many times. They nag me about it so I say I'll quit, then don't, then they think I tried and failed, but in all seriousness, I didn't even try at all. This time I am serious about my attempts though - I mean, I would hate to let Oprah down.

Mark didn't get me anything for my birthday. He paid for the nice dinner that we went out for but I don't think that counts. We go out for nice dinners all the time, and I'm usually the one that treats him, so this to me was just another night out except we toasted to my birthday rather than to some other romantic crap. I was just expecting something - nothing big - just a picture of us, a t-shirt, a shower curtain.....

(Just to explain the shower curtain thing... At the start of May I was looking for a shower curtain and I found one that I was ready to buy but Mark didn't like it and said that I was rushing into it and that I should just make due with a shower liner until I found the perfect shower curtain. Now I know that a shower curtain is not something I would really ever think to buy again, and that if I didn't get it right then and there, I would never get one, so I told Mark that if he didn't like the curtain because it wasn't perfect, I would give him 1 month, until my birthday, to get one - that way, there was no rush, the curtain would be perfect, and I wouldn't have to go forever just using a shower liner. Well he had a month, my birthday came and went, and no shower curtain)

...It's partly my fault too. Mark was brooding over what to get me and I told him not to bother -that maybe we should just go away somewhere later in the summer to celebrate both of our birthdays. So yes, he was just following my suggestion, but I really like the idea of having some sort of token that shows that he put some thought into finding something small that he might think I would like. People keep asking me "What did Mark get you for your birthday?" - "Nothing." and then I explain the going away together thing to stop them from feeling bad for me. Oh well, I'm over it.

I do realize that this post has been all over the place and laced with longwinded run-on sentences that probably fail to make any point at all. Oh well - such is my state of mind today.

Birthday Boy

2008-05-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last post and I blame this on the fact that my computer has been acting up. It usually takes 25 minutes to load up, and when it does, it usually only lasts for 5 minutes before it freezes, shuts off, or is just too slow to do anything at all. It's been very frustrating but Mark has left me one of his computers so now I'm back in business.

So here is what has been happening.

All of May was devoted to the bartenders competition. Pig Girl and I practiced pretty much everyday and when I wasn't flairing I was either working or getting drunk. We put a pretty kick ass routine together but unfortunately we finished in second place. Pig Girl bawled her eyes out and was super pissed that we lost but I was thrilled at the fun we had in the process. Those six minutes we spent on stage performing was the most exhilarating six minutes of my life. Adrenaline was racing through my body while the entire bar was going nuts at our command. The feeling of being on stage, doing my thing to the music and having everyone erupt in cheers and laughter and whistles was unlike anything I had ever felt before. We made a giant mistake though which is probably responsible for our loss.... the rules called for us to present a Cosmo, a Long Island Iced Tea, a Spiked Lemonade, and a bottle of Canadian but when we set up for our show, we completely forgot to bring a bottle of Canadian behind the bar. Our beer anthem was playing and we had no beer which prompted Pig Girl to start screaming at the cocktailers to get a beer. She was frantic and bright red in the face while I kept it cool and improvised in a different way. There was a cooler of beer hidden under one of the booths for all of the bartenders to drink for free, so I jumped off the stage, ran to the cooler, grabbed a Bud Light, popped off the cap and gave it to a judge. Unfortunately the event was sponsored by Molson and Bud Light is a Labatt product so even though I still served a bottle of beer.... it was the wrong beer. We recovered and finished our show but came in second for our mix-up. So many people told us afterwards that we should have won anyways, that our showmanship and energy and entertainment level blew everyone out of the water, but in all fairness, the winning team made fewer mistakes and showmanship only counts for so much.

I thought my bar flair days were over after that show but Pig Girl and I were invited to perform at another location's competition on June 5th. This other store had 4 bartenders quit and 1 got fired, leaving them with no teams of their own for the show. They reached out to other locations to send a team so the event can still go on, and its my team that is being sent. Also, the international competition on June 25th requires the winning teams from every store to compete against each other, but the guy on the team that beat us will be on vacation and can't make it, so there has been talk about sending me in his place. It would be a blast but I think Pig Girl might murder me if I get to go without her. Oh well... nice guys finish last and I'm certainly not going to pass up an opportunity of my own just because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

All of this work stuff hasn't left me with much time to see Mark. He works in the day at his office job but I always work nights at the bar so our conflicting schedules leaves us a lack of quality time together. We work around it and get by ok but things just aren't how we thought they would be. I feel like our relationship is always based in the future. When I was living with Darren and not out, we envisioned a day when I had my own place and things would be better. Now that I have that, we look forward to a day when our schedules are more in sync, or when Mark moves in, or when he comes out to his mom.... there's always something that we're waiting for to happen before we can be fully happy, but after a year together now, I'm getting tired of waiting. I've come so far since meeting Mark and he really hasn't grown at all, and I'm starting to feel that if things don't progress soon, my feelings for him are going to start to change.

Another weird work thing that is going on is that Katie's ex-boyfriend, her only serious relationship after me, has just started working at my restaurant. Everyone at work has had a good laugh about this considering they all know I'm gay and the concept of my ex-girlfriend is weird to them, but we're all mature individuals and it shouldn't be too awkward getting over this. I haven't worked with this guy yet but I met him 2 nights ago at a party which was a good ice-breaker. He's a nice guy and is cool with mine and Katie's situation, so after a couple of awkward shifts everything should be fine.

Another piece of news... I pulled a Britney! Earlier this month I got fed up with my hair and decided to buzz it all off. People thought I was crazy but it looks great. I'm not one of those people with an oddly shaped head so it doesn't look strange. I look more masculine now and like less of a pretty boy which is pretty hot. And the bonus to all of this is that it is 0 daily maintenance. I roll out of bed and go which is way better than fucking around with hair gel every morning.

Aside from all of that, today is my 22nd birthday! I hate the idea of getting older, but 22 is nothing to complain about. I'm having a birthday party tonight and then starting tomorrow I'm going to try to get my life back on track. I decided that my birthday gift to myself would be to quit smoking, ease up on the drinking, and become friends with the gym again. It's something I always say that I'll do, but I'm at a sort of rock-bottom place right now where I feel nasty and don't even want to get naked because I'm self conscious about what my party lifestyle has done to me. Everyone tells me I'm crazy and that it's all in my head but we always notice ourselves changing before those around us do, so it's time for me to put a stop to all of this. But, before all of that, one last night of gluttony in celebration tonight.

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

2008-04-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

What a fucking day.

I woke up early and headed to my new place to pick up my keys and have a quick orientation of the building. I was pretty psyched to take possession of the new pad and it gave me the opportunity to start moving in my smaller items before the big move in day tomorrow. After signing the final papers, the apartment is mine and I could feel the next phase of my life starting.

After that I headed into work where I had to do some tests for the bar tending competition. It started with a written test on everything from food items, drinks, smart serve principles, and the overall company history and "vision". Considering that I didn't study at all, I had to make up for what I didn't know by cheating. "Hey, Pig Girl.... what did you put for question 75?" After all was said and done I scored a 92% which is huge and completely undeserved but hey... they threw me into this competition without any training or preparation, and they did it in the middle of my fourth year exams, so what more could they have expected of me?

The next test I had to do was the pour test. For this one they set out 6 glasses and I had to eyeball 0.5oz, 1.0oz, 1.5oz, 2.0oz, 2.5oz, and 3.0oz free pours. They let me practice for a few minutes first, and on this test I scored 25/30 which my manager said is pretty amazing. There was no way to really cheat my way through this one, so that grade was legit.

Finally... the speed test. My partner and I got behind the bar and 10 drinks printed up for us to make as quickly as we could. Everything from bottles of beer, pints, glasses of wine, to frozen drinks, cocktails, and martinis were on the list and we didn't do too poorly. We took longer than 3 minutes which was a deduction and we completely forgot about a glass of wine but our judge didn't notice. The martini I made was supposed to have orange juice, but every juice bottle looks the same so I got confused. I took and educated guess that the one with the orange top was OJ but clearly this would have been too obvious. It was apple juice and the martini was way off, but still tasted good and no one really would have noticed if they had never tried the concoction before. Together my partner and I earned a total of 32/40 which is ok and a bit generous considering we were slow, missed a drink, and fucked up a recipe.

This is where the day started to get interesting.

All 10 drinks were sitting there, about to go down the drain, when we were offered the opportunity to drink whatever we wanted if we weren't working that day. I jumped at the opportunity and by 11:30am I had finished a shot of liquid cocaine, two martinis, a vodka soda, and 3 crazy cocktails that are exclusive to our restaurant. I was buzzing like a bee and then took off and headed to campus for my final exam of life. When I got to school I bumped into Darren and decided that I should continue drinking because I didn't want to crash. We went to the campus bar where I had two more pints of beer and by the time I sat down in the exam room at 2, I had already entered double digits for number of drinks consumed.

The 3 hour test took me only 45 minutes, it was easy as pie, then we headed to the liquor store to get booze for the rest of the day. My drink of choice turned out to be a poison. I mixed champagne, blueberry vodka, and blue raspberry liquer together and was drinking it by the pint. By 6:00pm I was loaded and the mix of every sort of booze under the sun that I had that day made me go off the wall.

This is the best part....

Darren, Mark and I were sitting outside drinking and talking and just hanging out and then there was a pause in the conversation and everyone was quiet.

Ryan - "I'm a faggot"(I HATE that word but I think I used it as some sort of immunity from any attacks Darren could have given me. If I hit myself the hardest, there was nothing he could have said to hurt me and he would have needed another approach)

Darren - "What?"

Ryan - "I'm a faggot"

Darren - "Are you joking?"

Ryan - "Nope - I'm a faggot"

Darren - "If this is a joke, this is a really bad joke."

Ryan - "It's not a joke"

Darren - "Ok...."

Ryan - "How do you feel about that?"

Darren - "It's fine, but really... are you kidding?"

Ryan - "No."

Darren - "Well that's ok with me but I'm just shocked."

Ryan - "Katie knows."

Darren - "Well that explains a lot then cuz' I never understood why you two broke up."

Ryan - "I just wanted to wait until school was over before telling you because I didn't want it to be awkward and stuff."

Darren - "You should have told me earlier. It's ok. Why didn't you tell me?"

Ryan - "I dunno, I didn't know how you'd react."

Darren - "I'm sorry I was so unapproachable."

At this point I went in the house and cried because I felt incredible relief that I didn't lose one of my best friends. Darren followed me in and said that we should go out for drinks and nachos. The bar wouldn't serve us because we were so drunk. I was a disaster for the rest of the night because this was the last night of university and I realized that the past 4 years were a bit of a fraud to a lot of my closest friends when they didn't have to be, and that had I been open from the start my whole experience would have been different. AND now that I had come out to him and the intimacy of our friendship hit it's peak through honesty, we're moving out and parting ways.... The booze made me hate myself for how I handled things and I was a stumbling, bumbling, crying mess. Katie received phone calls from Mark, Darren, and some other friends because they were scared for me and had never seen me like this and they didn't know how to deal with me. I passed out....

When I woke up I was freaked about how to deal with Darren. The night was a blur and I didn't know what to do. In the morning.....

Darren - "Hey girl hey!!!"(as I was still in my room)

Ryan - "Holla!"

Darren - "I got a job offer!"

Ryan - "I'll be out in a sec...... congratulations, where's the job?"

Darren - "In Aurora."

Ryan - "There's no chance that you forgot what I told you last night is there?"

Darren - "hehe no I didn't."

Ryan - "Ya, well... I'm sorry for the circumstances but I just didn't know how to handle everything, and it had been weighing on me for so long, and ya... if you have any questions just let me know."

Darren - "This all must have been really hard for you to do."

Ryan - "You have no idea."

Darren - "It doesn't change anything, just don't start talking with a lisp."

Ryan - "LOL that's what my parents said."

Darren - "I told Anna"

Anna is Darren's girlfriend and minutes later I got a message from her on facebook saying that she supported me and that if I had anything I needed to talk about she is here for me. That meant a lot and I am so glad I told them. Everytime I come out to a major person in my life it is one of the worst days of my life but the relief I feel afterwards cannot be put into words. Anna is coming to town tomorrow and I'm moving out for good. There should be a LOT of discussion about it for the next couple of days since she is a gossip queen and has a fetish for detail. She's a lot more forward with her questions than Darren is and I expect that there is a lot that they're going to want me to explain. I told her that she can ask whatever she wants but that I might need to have a few glasses of wine over the course of the discussion.

Phew...

Franck

2008-04-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

So hot! In one of my previous posts, Beach Body, I mentioned the little fetish I had of seeing pics of guys vandalizing photos of me with their cum. I proposed a challenge to anyone who wanted to participate in this fun... just email me expressing interest, I'll send you a pic, you make it as filthy as you can, then send a pic back.

Well my good man Franck rose to the challenge and what he whipped up is fucking hot!

Here's the before pic:

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the after:

I'm not gonna lie, when I checked my inbox and saw this grimy, filthy, sleazy pic it made my briefs a whole lot tighter. Mega turned on right now and for some reason I can't stop licking my lips...

Franck even sent a video but unfortunately nothing really showed up because it was taken on a cell phone but he definately gets an A for effort! Thanks buddy!

The offer is still on the table for everyone else. If anyone wants to join in on this little game of mine let me know. I'll send everyone a different picture to keep up the variety.

Bedtime for Ryan/going to go recreate Franck's image in the flesh.

Flair

2008-04-19T07:52:00.001-07:00

Interesting news on the work front. The bar/restaurant where I work is a pretty big Canadian chain and it holds an annual bartenders competition at each location. The competition consists of a written test, a pour test, a speed test, drink creation contest, and last but certainly not least, a flair competition. It's a pretty huge event, the winners get big prizes, and the best flair bartenders from each location go on to compete in the national show in Toronto.

For the flair portion of the event they pair up 2 bartenders and make them do a routine together. It has to be put to music and while spinning, flipping, throwing, catching, and juggling bottles, they have to be making fancy cocktails. Well one of our bartenders sliced her finger to the bone while she was cutting fruit, she had to have two surgeries on it, and it has taken her out of the competition. The show must go on and guess who they've asked to take her place...

ME!!!

I have only ever worked one bartending shift in my life, I have never even seen one of these competitions, and I have no idea what exactly is in store but I agreed to fill in for her and rise up to the challenge. I was pretty excited for everything until I found out who my partner was.

We can just refer to her as Pig Girl because she is the nastiest person at the restaurant. Not only her sloppy looks, but her personality and attitude make her the filthiest being I work with. She parades around the restaurant like she owns the place, bosses people around, is constantly critical and condescending, she's loud and obnoxious, and the worst part is that she's super-competitive and actually thinks we're going to win this thing. Considering my lack of experience and that she has only been bartending for a month, the odds of us beating other people who have years of experience and have done these competitions before is extremely rare.

So last night at work Pig Girl pulls me aside and says that she is going to teach me a few things that I have to learn for our flair show. She tossed a bottle, it flipped twice in the air, then she caught it with the neck. "Ok Ryan, do you think you can handle that?" What she didn't know is that I have been practising outside as a means of distraction from studying and enjoying the sun and that this "trick" of hers was laughable.

"Alright Pig Girl, pass me that bottle, I'll give it a try." Toss, flip, flip, catch. "Is that how I do it? What if I try it in my left hand?" Toss, flip, flip, catch. "Oh and how about I do it in both hands at the same time?" Toss, toss, flip, flip, flip, flip, catch, catch. "Behind my back? Under my legs?" She was speechless. She had this giant ugly smile on her face and you could see that her dreams of winning had just become that much more realistic. She left to go into the kitchen and I said to the bartender "I think she was expecting me to suck,"...."she was,"...."well I think that she's the one who will be having to keep up with me,"...."haha I think so too!"

It felt so good to take that arrogant Pig Girl down a notch and put her in her place.

Sticky Kisses

2008-04-14T21:53:00.000-07:00

Saturday night Mark and I decided to head out to a bar for some beer and nachos. We felt so straight with our pints, greasy finger food, watching hockey, and having our waitress stop to flirt with us, but judging by the actions that occurred at the end of the night, we were as far from straight as we could possibly be.

When Mark dropped me off at home, our kiss goodnight turned into some pretty hot making out that left both of us hard and begging for more. It was after midnight when Darren is usually in bed so I figured I would go upstairs and check to see if the coast was clear. Of course the night I want to sneak Mark in when my roomie is in bed is the night that he doesn't go to bed. He was still awake so I headed back to the car and Mark figured it was too risky to try to sneak around tonight. Especially because we've gone on for so long undetected, it would really suck to get caught in the act right at the end of the year.

We decided to drive to a parking lot where we kept making out and teasing each other. One thing led to another and Mark was leaning across the car, gobbling on my cock. If the kissing was a tease this was torture. After about 15 minutes of this we said "Fuck it!" and headed back to my place. I snuck Mark into my bedroom even though Darren's lights were still on, I locked my door, and we both got naked. At this point we were both way too horny to play it conservative and within minutes we were sucking each other's cocks like it was our job. We never fuck when my roomie is around because I have a bad habit of talking dirty and I can get pretty loud, so in the interest of secrecy we decided to stick to good old fashioned blow jobs.

This time I decided to take on the role that Mark took last time we fooled around. With him on his back jerking off, I straddled his chest and fed every inch of my meat into his mouth. I propped his head up with pillows so I could fuck his face and watch as he struggled to take the length of my dick. It was super hot and Mark was absolutely pounding his cock which turned me on because it signalled how much he enjoyed me poking at his throat with my dick. He wanted us to cum at the same time but I had other plans.

He asked me to shoot all over his chest but, I'm one of those guys that shoots pretty far. If I'm lying on my back I often hit my own face without even trying, so I know that if I aim at Mark's chest, he's getting a facial. I told him that I was gonna cum first, and as I was stroking every inch of my hard cock to climax I told him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue. I blasted my load all over his neck, mouth, tongue, chest.... it was everywhere. Before Mark had a chance to spit, swallow, or whatever his cum disposal of choice, I dove in and started making out with him and his mouthful of my jizz.

I love cum, and sucking my sweet load out of my boyfriend's mouth was enough to make me want to cum again. Just knowing that this warm salty juice is produced in my nuts, and that it explodes out of my hard cock makes me cherish every drop I can get. After licking it off his lips, face, neck, then feeding it to him again with our sticky kisses, Mark was ready to bust his nut too. I headed south and caught it all in my mouth then came back up to him and dribbled it on his tongue. I pressed my lips to his and we began tongue wrestling, swirling around a mix of both of our oozy goo in our mouths. We swallowed what was left, wiped up our faces, then Mark headed home after some cuddling.

I didn't bother brushing my teeth before bed. I wanted to savour the taste of man in my mouth as I went to sleep.

Beach Body

2008-04-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well... Summertime is fast approaching which has me in a bit of a fitness zone. I think we all get a little obsessive when we know that in a few weeks we're going to be prancing around beaches and pools half naked and dripping wet. This summer, I want to be SMOKIN! For the past couple of weeks I've been trying to cut back on the partying and after bar snacks since that seems to be where most of my extra padding comes from. It's pretty difficult because I have a lot of friends and live in a young, party city, but after cutting back nights out from 4 times a week to 2 times a week, I have already noticed a flatter stomach and perkier pecs.

The party lifestyle is a killer for the beach body. Binge drinking hundreds of empty calories then chasing those with greasy after bar food at 3am before passing out does nothing to help the six-pack. Add to that the early morning trip to the closest breakfast diner and the hangover which spoils work-out intentions, and it's pretty easy to see why staying in a few extra nights a week has mega effects on my body.

I've also been searching for a hot new swimsuit that will turn heads while I'm strutting my stuff in the sun. I'm considering the trunks up top and the push-up skimpy number below, both from aussiebum. The speedo style swimsuit is fuckin' sexy on the right guy but I'm not sure if I have the body or the confidence to pull it off. It would probably require me to shave my legs or something too which would be a giant hassle. Shaving my chest is a big enough pain in the ass so I could only imagine what it would be like to do the full body thing. I've thought about waxing but it seems awkward to go into some parlour and ask the ladies there to rip out all of my body hair, and after seeing The 40 Year-old Virgin, I might stick to my razor.

I've also been thinking about starting to wear jocks though I've yet to purchase one. I'm definately an exhibitionist and the thought of wearing something so sexy while working or having dinner with my parents really turns me on. The quickie factor of having a permanently exposed ass is something I know I'd want to take advantage of. To be somewhere semi public and to have Mark pull out his cock through his jeans and me just drop my pants a bit so he could stick it in me is definately something I've fantasized about a lot. We like to switch things up as much as possible and trying new things together so our sex-life stays spicy and playing dress-up and having hot role play sessions is something I'm going to do more frequently when I have my own place.

Next time I'm feeling sexy, and not hungover, I'm going to try to post some more hot pics of myself. Again, the exhibitionist in me gets really turned on knowing that there are people out there getting off on my pics. A while ago I got a guy to print off a picture of me, blow his load all over it, then send a picture of the mess he made on it back to me. Sooo hot. I'd love to post some pics of different cumshots that landed on my images... I can email a big high-quality photo as long as I get to see all the gory details of what happens to it. Any takers?

Off to the gym...

Retraction

2008-04-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Alright... I feel like an asshole. Once I woke up this morning I realized that my take on the events of last night were clouded by the vodka I drank earlier in the evening.

In hindsight/sobersight I realize that I was definately too drunk to cum no matter what sort of abuse my cock was taking. (And for the record, the head Mark gives is perfectly fine when I'm sober). I got ticked because I rarely get to be with Mark intimately, and to not be able to take advantage of the opportunity was frustrating, so I took it out on him. Boo for me. I apologized this morning.At least I ate his ass like a champ then let him paint my face white so I don't think it will take much for him to forget that I was a bit of a jerk.

One of the reasons why I got so touchy about this issue is that Paul was extremely selfish in bed. He would want me to do things to him that he would never do to me, then blow his load and hit the shower. One time when he got out of the shower, I jumped in and jerked off. When I came back to bed he asked me what I did in there, and I told him that if he wasn't going to make me cum, that I'd just do it myself. It was tough love but that was the last time Paul ever left me unsatisfied.

I think in my drunken stupor I was trying to apply the same approach to make sure this didn't happen again. Oh well, water under the bridge.... I'm insanely hungover right now and I have to hit the books because exams start on Monday.

I'm Drunk

2008-04-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm drunk....

Mark just left and I'm pissed. It's funny... everyone who commented on my last post suggested that I would be sexually satisfied after being with Mark next but this is the first time that he has ever left me unsatisfied.

When he got the facebook love letter, he sent me a text saying how amazed and surprised he was. Then when he saw me in person he vowed that he would rock my world next time we got a chance to be together. Well.... tonight I snuck him into my bedroom and if any one's world was rocked it was his.

We started making out and before we knew it we were naked and fooling around. He rammed his ass into my mouth and I licked, and sucked and prodded with my tongue like any good boyfriend would. He was loving every second of it. Grinding his hole into my mouth.... it was really hot. A couple of minutes later he poked his cock into my face and BOOM... he came all over my face and mouth. It was fucking hot, I loved tasting his cum and I loved the fact that I could work him up so much that he came so fast. What I didn't like was that this was it.

That was the end of it. He tried going down on me but his technique was sloppy and it was hurting me. I tried to get him to change what he was doing, he took it to mean that I wanted him to stop, and then he fell asleep. He was laying on top of me, fast asleep, me unsatisfied, with his drying cum on my face. I felt like a whore - Like I had been reduced to a dirty trick after I spilled my heart to him.

I honestly feel like there's no place in this world for a romantic, masculine, young, hot, gay guy. I've tried to be optimistic and positive in every relationship I've had but my efforts have always gone overlooked, under appreciated, or just simply unnoticed.

Fuck Sentiment.

Love Letter

2008-04-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ok - so I was feeling sentimental today and I decided to send Mark a love letter via facebook to surprise him when he gets home and goes online. This is what came out of my head (and heart):

Ok. So maybe I can't write you a love song (yet) but I can try my best to write you a love letter that will let you know exactly how I feel about you.

About this time last year, there was a lot on my plate. I had a lot of stress in my school life, as well as my personal life, and my outlook on life was pretty grim. Thank God I made the decision to go play tennis that day. It's strange how we don't know which decisions, big or small, are the ones that will change our lives, but I know that the choice I made last April was one of my best because it brought me to you.

You've become one of the only people to whom I can fully open up and be myself. You've seen my highs and lows and you've been there for me through it all, withholding judgement, giving me only your compassion, understanding, and support (except when I got drunk in Rome and lost my wallet - but at least you brought me home alive - lol). All kidding aside though, I don't even want to imagine what this year would have been like without you by my side as my partner and best friend.

This year hasn't been easy for either of us with my insane living situation and I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a completely full and "normal relationship" (if that even exists), but thank you so much for toughing it out and making the sacrifices you've made to make it work. I hope you see that I really love you and my motivation for dealing with all of our obstacles is that I see a long future with you that is worth all of the effort and sacrifice in the world.

You've added so much new excitement to my life. Even the littlest errand that we do together turns into an adventure because the fact that I'm doing it with you is enough to make my heart race. We have so much in common, and such a great understanding of each other, that sitting in a parked car drinking coffee, chatting over dinner, or just lying in bed in silence have become things that make me happiest. I lose track of time when I'm with you and I love it because every moment I spend with you is the time of my life.

It's cool to think that this is still the beginning and that we still have so much to experience together. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last that I think about before falling asleep, and there's no one I would rather experience the rest of my life with than you. You're truly an amazing person and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world because I have the honour of being your boyfriend.

I love you Mark,

Ryan

Penthouse

2008-04-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

I have been writing a lot about my housing issue and whether or not I would be living with Mark; well..... he flipped again! The other day when he was driving me to work he committed to living with me. He said he was certain and that he would be ready to move in May 1st. That same night when he picked me up from work he told me that he would not be ready for May 1st. What the FUCK!?!?!?! I was really pissed off. I understand if he isn't ready. That's normal, and this is a big step we would be taking so I get it if he needs more time. The thing that is making me angry is that he changes his opinion by the minute and it makes a difference on the decisions I need to make, so he needs to make one and stick to it.

That all being said... I've finally found an apartment. It's a gorgeous one bedroom place in downtown London (downtown is nothing too impressive but close to the bars is a +++). It's on the 26th floor and overlooking a beautiful park. The view is amazing, the apartment is new and clean, and finally I am out of the student housing style of accomodations where appliances don't work, mice run rampant, and filth collects if a day goes by without sweeping. I looked at a bunch of dumps, but this place is one that I will be happy to come home to every night. It's costing me a lot more than I intended to pay, but I feel great about it and it's worth every cent.

The interesting thing is that now that I found a place and once Mark saw how stylish and sexy it was - HE WANTS TO MOVE IN! This is definately driving me nuts. Indecision seems like a sign of insecurity and weakness to me and those are not traits that I find attractive. I feel like he might want to move in for the wrong reasons. He sees the apartment and fantasizes about furnishing it, painting it, entertaining in it... and he wants to move in. I have to admit, he leans toward the superficial side, so I definately think the reason for his change of heart is the fact that I scored a beautiful apartment on the top floor of a great building with one of the best views in the city and he sees it as something that would contribute to his status. Either way... he just needs to let me know. If he wants to move in - fine, pay half the rent and sleep with me every night - if he wants to keep living at home with his mom - fine, I have a kick ass apartment that I can make into my own sweet ass pad. No matter what he chooses, my situation has been decided and I'm pumped to be living the high life come May 1st.

In other news.... a quick shout out to "dick pics" who has been the first to comment on my blog. I've been writing for a while and it feels pretty cool to know that there's at least one person out there who is reading about my experiences and finds my accounts worthy enough to revisit. Keep the comments coming ladies and gentlemen.... I love hearing feedback (even if you want to tell me that you think I'm a giant dick head or something - comments = the more the merrier!)

Embarrassing Introductions

2008-03-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

First off... an update on that weekend...

Nothing too eventful went down. I got my schoolwork done in good time, I got hammered during the formal and made a fool of myself which is pretty normal, and Paul ended up staying in Toronto so I didn't have to face that issue. All in all, a pretty average weekend without anything out of the ordinary.

On to more pressing issues...

I have gotten into a terrible habit of making a fool of myself in front of people that I know of, but don't really know.

Situation 1. There is a female trainer that works at my gym who I often see eating at the restaurant where I work. We've never spoken but we see each other a couple of times a week and we are both aware of each other when we're around. The night of my formal I ran into her at the bar when I was loaded which didn't go too smoothly. I was in a full suit, and happened to have a Zorro mask which was tied around my face during the introduction. Here's how the conversation went:

Me - "You work at Goodlife!"

Trainer - "And you work at (censored)!"

Me - "Ya I see you there all the time but I feel too awkward to come and say hi to you because I don't know your name and I'm a little shy."

Trainer - "It's Jenn."

Me - "Really?!? That's my mom's name! My name is Ryan.... well, now that we know each other's names, it won't be so awkward next time we bump into each other. See ya!"

Just call me 007. I looked the part that night but I definately lacked in the poise department. The next time I saw her at the gym it was incredibly awkward so I just laughed it off, told her I was hammered, and after telling me that it happens to everyone, she had a good chuckle.

Situation 2. Mark and I are out at a gay bar and this other guy that I see at the gym all the time, Bobby, comes up to me, soaking with sweat from dancing, and asks me out. Here's how this one went:

Bobby - "Oh - My - God! Boy from the gym!"

Me - "Hey how are you?"

Bobby - "We HAVE to do coffee!"

Me - "Ummm......."

Bobby - "Oh, don't tell me you're seeing someone?"

Me - "Ya and he's standing right behind you."

Bobby - "That sucks! I have the biggest crush on you."

Me - "Ummm....."

Bobby - "Ok, well then we HAVE to work out together sometime!"

Me - "Ummm...."

This one was funny rather than embarrassing. It was awkward for Bobby because all I could do was say Ummm to all of his advances. It was flattering for me to have a guy pursuing me while Mark looked on with jealous eyes. I like when people approach me at the bar in front of Mark because it reminds him of 2 things. 1)That I have options, and 2)That when presented with options, I don't hesitate to turn them down because I love Mark. I haven't seen Bobby since that night, but the next run-in at the gym will probably be weird.

Situation 3. Same night as the Bobby run-in, I ran into another trainer from my gym - this time a sexy built guy. I was shocked to see him there. I would have sworn that he was straight. Completely masculine and comepletely hard from head to toe. No lie, I have definately fantasized about him a couple of times while I was running on the treadmill... I wouldn't pursue this guy or anything, he's just great to look at. So... I'm standing in line for the guy's bathroom at the gay bar, and I decided that I didn't want to wait any longer, so I went into the women's washroom. When I finish taking a piss and I come out of the stall, I bump into Jamie. Here's how my conversation with this trainer went in the women's washroom of a gay bar:

Jamie - "My friend tells me that you work at Goodlife."

Me - "No. I work-out at Goodlife... YOU work at Goodlife."

Jamie - "Ya I do."

Me - "You're always wearing those Lululemon shorts."

Jamie - "They're actually UnderArmour."

Me - "Well whatever they are, they make your ass look great. I'm Ryan."

Jamie - "I'm Jamie. Next time you see me at the gym, come say hi."

Me - "I will."

Well I saw him at the gym yesterday and it was pretty uncomfortable. I didn't go over and say hi, and he didn't come talk to me, but we definately caught each other checking each other out a couple of times. When I went to fill up my water bottle, he came for a drink, but he stood so far back from me that I couldn't strike up conversation - especially becuase we were both listening to our iPods. I vowed to myself that I'll talk to him next time I see him to get rid of this awkwardness of being aware of each other but not saying anything. I also want to say something before he forgets our run-in in the women's washroom.

Situation 4. A gay manager at a restaurant/bar where I spend a lot of time happens to work out at the same gym as me (notice the trend?). One night when I was hammered (notice the trend?) and getting post-bar-food at this place, I headed up to the bar and introduced myself to him. Here's how this conversation, that should never have taken place, took place:

Me - "Hey I come here all the time and I noticed that you work out at my gym so I fugured I'd come introduce myself. I'm Ryan."

Manager - "I'm Mike."

Me - "Ya - I'm here all the time. I come with my parents, friends, roomate..."

Manager - "Girlfriends..."

Me - "Oh No! They're only girl-friends, not girlfriends."

Manager - "Ha ha - of course. Well next time you see me at the gym come say hi."

Me - "I will!"

And of course. I my words were meaningless because next run in we had I avoided him like the plague. I have made myself a really uncomfortable place to work out seeing as I have drunkenly embarassed myself in front of four different people, all of which are at the gym daily. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and play it cool next time I come face to face with one of these characters. I've clearly been so good at playing it cool thus far, so it should be a piece of cake.

Pre-Weekend Pre-dictions

2008-03-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

I have a bad feeling about this weekend.

1. Tomorrow I have to present a mock-trial in class but I have still not read the case about what faction I am representing.

2. Tomorrow night is the Engineering formal which means lots of drinking, Mark and I trying to avoid outing ourselves, and dancing which is never something a white guy looks forward to.

3. Saturday I have to spend writing a case study for an ethics class but I have yet to find a case, seems like a lame problem but the issue is that it is the Pseudo-St. Patty's Day which means everyone and their dogs are going to be trying to get me out to party when I have to be inside writing a paper hungover.

4. I work a double shift on Sunday which makes Saturday critical because I have no time to finish the paper that's due Monday if it isn't done on Saturday.

5. PAUL IS BACK IN TOWN!!! My heart breaker of an ex is arriving in town Tomorrow night and we have planned to have lunch on Saturday. Mark doesn't know and I am scared that I might even run into Paul tomorrow night if we head out to a bar after the formal. I know myself - as per "The Weekend I Met Myself" - and once I get drunk I will stop at nothing to see him if he is around. For the record - I deeply love Mark - there is just something that draws me to Paul and I feel like it might be something I've left unsaid, it might be an opportunity that I feel like I missed out on, or it might simply be that deep down - I wish I could be with him again. Whatever it is - I know he isn't good for me, and I need to move on, but his gravitational pull is irresistible.

If all of this goes smoothly this weekend I will truly be shocked.

Flatline

2008-03-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last post simply because nothing has been going on (I will try not to complain about being bored).

Mark has decided (finally) that he is ready to move in with me come May 1st, so once I let my folks know, it's time to head out there and sign a lease.

My terror of a project, the bridge I've been designing since September, is finally done - we presented to the city on March 4th, handed in the final report right after, then it's been celebrating since then. I went out drinking five nights in a row, starting the night the project ended, which has been rough on the bank account and the body.

I've decided to continue working at the restaurant for a few months to let myself have a little more fun and catch my breath before heading into the 9-5 monotony. Patio season is upon us and summers at the restaurant are so much fun that I want one more before leaving the industry. My managers want me to start bar tending as well as supervising, which is flattering because it shows me that they think a lot of what I have to offer. I have to be careful though - I don't want to become a lifer, and it seems that with each subsequent promotion and responsibility that I take on, I get closer to eternity in the hospitality industry.

The self-help thing has been interesting but I'm not sure how long it will last. The book is very much centered around spirituality and there is a lot in there that I agree with, but I feel like it is just too difficult to remain spiritually centered when everyone around me is superficially centered. I have learned a few lessons from the text and I am trying to apply it to my day to day life which has proved somewhat successful - but I sort of feel like I am going through a phase where I would like to get in touch with my spiritual side, but if I don't devote myself to it with full dedication, it might just die off. I hope not though because I am making a conscious effort to change my outlook.

Tonight I have a floor reunion with all the people I lived in residence with in my first year of university, and on Friday I am going to the Engineering formal with my friends and Mark. There is going to be a LOT of drinking at both events which usually means something embarrassing, incriminating, sexy, funny, or a mix of the aforementioned will happen, so maybe there will be a little more excitement coming up - good excitement though, I don't like bad excitement.

....'Till then....

Self Help

2008-02-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

Bored.

I know I started my last post like this, but what can I say? - I'm bored. Nothing has changed over the past week, and nothing will probably change until the end of April, so I just have to get used to hanging out with my new friend - boredom.

I should mention that things with Mark aren't really the greatest right now either. We still love each other and stuff but come on - we need something exciting to happen for us. Both of us are living day-to-day routines right now that are repetitive and uninteresting. We see each other all the time but all we can really do is bitch about the things we aren't experiencing because of our circumstances. There is rarely something new to talk about and we never get to have sex (going on 2 weeks now). Seems like a pretty boring (there's that fucking word again) relationship and I hate to admit it, but it is. Foresight of how things will be better come May keeps us going, but I start to wonder if we're kidding ourselves. In all likelihood - nothing will change. We might move in together, get to have sex more often, yada yada yada, but I don't even know if that's the true problem.

Realistically, not being out and open to everyone is the issue. If someone at work asks me, "Ryan, do you have a girlfriend?" (usually someone I'm not close to if they don't know I'm gay), I just say, "No" but I never put forward that I have a great boyfriend. If Mark is dropping me off at my place after a date, he always does a 360 turbo scan of the area to make sure that there is no one around to see us kiss goodnight. His family doesn't know about me; some of my closest friends and my brother don't know about him; Mark feels ashamed looking for a 1 bedroom apartment with me because he is scared of what the landlord will think; We can't be affectionate in public; We have very little intimacy; Gifts and cards we give each other for holidays have to be hidden... the list goes on, and seriously - this is not a real relationship. I understand that all relationships are different and, often times, sacrifices have to be made, but is it truly love when the relationship requires so much secrecy, lying, shame, and dishonesty? I believe it is love. It's just love that takes tons of work with less reward than love that can be honest. I know the real root/cause of all this psycho-analysis-bull-shit, is that Mark and I don't know ourselves. Again, if we don't love and have pride in who we are as individuals, how can we truly claim to have love and pride in each other?

Well as I was moping around my house today thinking about all of this stuff, I sat on my couch and flipped on the T.V. Oprah was on. Yay! Interestingly enough, I only caught the last 10 minutes, but she was ranting and raving about one of the books from her Holy Book Club. It is called "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". Everything she was saying about the book seemed so applicable to where Mark and I are in life right now, and I seriously saw it as some sort of divine sign that as I was contemplating all of this, I flip on the T.V. and Oprah is handing me a solution (God Bless Mama O). I like to think that little coincidences like this are sometimes more than little coincidences, so I checked out the book online, and read some reviews to see if other people agreed with Ms. Winfrey. A lot of what the reviewers had to say really applied to where I am in life - one reviewer even said it is perfect for young adults on the verge of university graduation - so I thought "What the hell?...", headed out to the nearest bookstore and bought two copies (Mark gets one too).

I'm interested to see how this spiritual enlightenment thing works out for me. I've never really been much of a self-help guy but who knows. I'm bored - I should try something new.

Eclipse

2008-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm bored.

I feel like there is so much that is going to change in the next few months, and all I want to do is run through everything towards a place where I'm going to be comfortable and happy, but someone has taken a crow-bar to my knee caps and I seem to be pulling myself along, crawling to where I want to be at a snail's pace.

First of all - Darren. I'm sick of living with him. He has such a strong character, that always leaves him in my way. I live with the guy, socialize with him, we have all of our classes together, and we're working on a major design project with him as the project leader. He's become an ugly growth on my body that I'm trying to remove, but everytime I pick him off, he just gets bigger, more irritating, and so much uglier. To top it all of it's his girlfriend Anna's spring break this week and she's going to be spending the next 5 days or so living with us. If Darren's an ugly growth, she's chronic leprosy. A great girl, but when she's under the same roof for long periods of time, she finds a way of analyzing and inquiring me about everything, and given the fact that I keep so much hidden from the both of them, nosiness is the last thing I need.

School is pounding me in the ass too - and I say that as if I were a straight guy saying it. Assignments pile up and I let them sit, not turning them in, taking a grade of 0 on them and not even thinking twice about it. Enthusiasm for school couldn't be lower, and this seems to be a bad time to find out exactly how much I hate engineering considering I graduate in 2 months and a lifetime of engineering awaits me. Even as I write this, I should be preparing for a presentation I'm giving to a panel of judges on Friday regarding the design project, but I'm more motivated to write about how unmotivated I am. Weird.

The job interview hasn't ammounted to anything and I'm more than a little ticked off about it. The interviewer seriously gave me the impression that the position was mine so I was expecting a call ever since I met the guy but there's been nothing. I hate it when people ask me if I've heard anything yet and I have to keep telling them that I haven't. It makes me feel like a failure but at least my resume got me an interview. What can they say for themselves? I'm going to give the company a call next week to see if the position was filled. It doesn't sit right to be told that I was a front runner for the position and that I should be expecting a call just to not get the call. Fuckers.

Mark is sort of coming along with the coming out to his family thing which is something that he has to do before I'll move in with him. The other night he talked to his mom and suggested that he wanted to move in with me. I think he forgot that this was step 3 of the coming out to his family thing. Step 1 - remind them you're gay. Step 2 - tell them that that Ryan guy hanging around is your boyfriend. Step 3 - tell them you're moving in with Ryan. He jumped to step 3 and apparently his mom didn't seem impressed because she wants him to live at home, so I can just imagine how steps 1 and 2 are going to go down. At least he's trying and I know that he's as serious as I am about moving forward with our relationship.

On that note I have to let my parents know the good news too. They might be forgetting I'm gay and I don't like that they won't talk about it in a mature manner. It took me my whole life to bring up the situation and I understand that they aren't going to be perfect right away, but come on! I've put in more than my fair share of time dealing with my sexuality, it's their turn to help me with this and not make it harder. They're still hell bent on the idea of me moving back home come graduation and once they find out I intend to move in with Mark, it might be a bit of a rude awakening. This is why I'm getting so pissed about the job thing. If I had a job here in London, I can let my parents know with a valid reason that Toronto is out of the question. It's easier to tell them I'm living with my boyfriend and working as an engineer than it is to tell them that I'm living with my boyfriend and working as a waiter at a bar and grill.

I just went outside and checked out the eclipse that's happening tonight. The moon is almost fully covered and I can't wait to see what it looks like once it is. I've been told that it's supposed to glow bright red but from the looks of things now it will probably just be a boring faint orange. I guess that's sort of how I feel right now. I have all the potential in the world to be a bright, glorious, glowing red. Someone who stands out, has purpose, independence and ambition. But for some reason, whatever it may be, I'm a boring, faint, orange that steals no attention from all the regular tiny stars surrounding me.

V-Day

2008-02-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

First of all - no, Mark didn't come out that night. He stalled for long enough that the opportunity was lost and it was no longer the "right time". I can't judge, I stalled for years waiting for that "right time" but it really doesn't exist until one is ready.

So. Valentine's Day.

I don't have any class on Thursdays and Mark had suggested that he thinks Valentine's day is stupid so I ended up working a double shift at the restaurant. Darren had left to go to Toronto to visit his girlfriend so Mark and I planned to take advantage of the free house once I got off work. The night before (the 13th) I had the place to myself as well, and Mark and I had a less than satisfactory sexual encounter.

It was around midnight and I realized that Darren was gone so I called Mark, who had just dropped me off at my place, and told him to turn around and come back for some "alone time". We rarely get a place to ourselves so this was a very pleasant surprise. He came in, and in no time we were in my bed, making out and undressing each other. I was really horny and it had been a while since my ass had been filled with his nice meat so I asked politely if he would fuck me. Of course he obliged so we grabbed the lube, soaked my hole and his cock, then he directed his member right into my ass. It always hurts at first, but after about 12 seconds I'm literally begging for him to fuck me harder.

I thought everything was going well. He was pounding me as usual, I was in the mood and talking dirty, but then he stopped and said that he was tired, it was late, he had to work in the morning, and he didn't think he would cum anytime soon. I was disappointed and asked if he wanted to stop to which he replied that he would keep going because I liked it. That was an instant turn off for me. I only enjoy sex if my partner is enjoying it - when he made it sound like a chore I wanted him out of me ASAP. I guided him out and felt that he wasn't even hard anymore and I felt that we needed to have a talk about this because this was not the first time that Mark has seemingly lost interest in sex in the middle of it.

This only happens when he tops and it gets really frustrating for me because of the type of guy I'm into. When I bottom, I want a man that is going to muscle me around and take exactly what he wants from my sweet tight ass. I like it rough, and I like to offer myself for my partner's pleasure. I get off on the fact that a hot guy is using my body for his ultimate pleasure so to have Mark soften up and lose interest, when I'm giving him myself on a silver platter, makes me feel inadequate. So we talked about it and he assured me that it was not me, that it was his issue and he needs to work on it. Apparently it takes him forever to cum and he usually just gets tired before it happens - something I could never understand since the adrenaline I get during sex always overpowers physical exhaustion - but I believe he's being honest with me. My theory is that he is too used to the sensation of jerking off. Mark has told me that he watches a lot of porn, and that he jerks off really quickly, so my understanding is that his body is so used to one type of stimulation that when he gets something that doesn't feel the same, it simply doesn't feel as good. I told him that I didn't want him to stop jerking off, but that maybe if he cut back, the sheer build up of sexual tension might make things easier. I expressed that I felt like his solo sexual sessions are getting in the way of our mutual encounters and that it was bothering me.

Solution.

After Mark left I kept thinking about things that I might be able to do in order to improve our sex life. The quick solution that I came up with for Valentine's Day is something I don't like but I figured he would so I gave it a try anyways. I rented a porn off T.V. and I decided that when he came over on Valentine's Day, I would put it on and see if having sex while watching porn on a big screen T.V. would pique his interest. Personally, I get offended at the thought that I need to get other naked guys on T.V. for him to be turned on, but that's my insecurity and jealousy speaking and this was also a way for me to work on that.

So when he came over last night, we sat down with a bottle of wine, he bought me a chocolate, fudge, brownie, cookie, cheesecake (because I eat chocolate like a menopausal woman) and I gave him his present by flipping the T.V. to the porn. He was pretty excited, which annoyed me at first but I got over it, and he appreciated that I was thinking about our little problem and trying to fix it. We drank a little more of the wine while getting over the fact that we were watching porn together for the first time, then we got naked and started making out.

I have to admit it was pretty hot feeling our naked bodies rubbing against each other, exploring each other's mouths with our tongues, hearing the orgy on T.V. with the moans, and slurps, and grunting from "filty amateur jocks". I moved down and started munching on his knob. I was sucking his juicky dick, jerking him off while I tongued his balls, then making him squirm while I deepthroated him. The second I got his cock past a certain point, the point when you feel it is no longer in your mouth, but actually in your throat, I felt him tighten up and gasp at how deep in my face his cock was.

I pulled him out of my mouth then forced his legs over my shoulders while I buried my face in his ass. I started licking his hole, gently flicking my tongue around that little pink crack while he jerked his cock like it was his job. I could feel his ass cheeks closing around my face as he moved his hole into my mouth with the rhythm of my tongue. I'm no Gene Simmonds but I tried to get my tongue as deep into his ass as possible. I love the taste of him down there. He is perfectly clean but there is always a taste of sweat, or sheer manliness that I have come to crave.

After tongue fucking him I decided it was time for him to spank me with his cock. I lubed up my hole and got on all fours, facing the T.V. so he could watch while he fucked me. His slippery dick was teasing me at first. He was slapping my ass cheeks with it, gliding it up and down my crack, digging only the tip into me before pulling out. He wanted me to beg - and I did. I told him to fuck me. I said it over and over again, "FUCK ME!" until he finally conceded and pushed his entire cock into my ass. It felt amazing and I could hear him moan when he was finally all the way inside.

I manoevered onto my back so we could make out while he dug his dick into my body. He kept asking me if I like it and all I could say was "hell ya, I fucking love it!" He was giving it to me really hard. The kind of hard where I felt like I was riding some sort of bull and it was a mission just to stay mounted due to the speed and force of the bucking. I could hear his thighs slapping against my ass and my dick bouncing up and down on my stomach everytime he thrust. I couldn't control myself and I started jerking myself off cuz I was insanely horny and needed to get off.

A little while later it was useless trying to hold off waiting for him to finish and while Mark was fucking me and jerking me off I told him I was gonna cum and that he better not stop doing anything that he was doing at that second. I sprayed cum all over myself. My stomach, chest, neck, it was all over the place and Mark instantly started licking some of the globs up off my body. He got me onto a bear hug, where we were wrapped together really tightly and he kept fucking me with his face next to my ear. This was a bit of a sensory overload for me. I was tender from cumming but Mark was still pounding my ass, my cum was lathering between our bodies caught in the middle of the hug, and his unshaven face was tickling my neck in the most amazing way I could have ever imagined.

I usually want the guy to pull out after I cum when I'm bottoming but this feeling was complete ecstacy. The tickling of the neck was something I had never expected to enjoy so much, and I seriously thought that the combo of everything I was feeling was going to make me cum again without even using my dick. Mark just kept right on fucking me, going faster as I could feel him getting closer. He lasted a hell of a long time after I had already cum. I came after about 20 minutes, but he lasted at least another 20 minutes after me. Eventually he whispered "I'm gonna cum" and he grabbed me really tightly and parked his cock as deep into my ass as possible while he spilled his cum into me bareback. We were both sweating buckets by now and the feeling of his sex worked sweat dripping on me made me really fuckin horny.

He was out of breath and he told me that he had never felt anything like that in his life. He actually said it felt like he had gone to Nirvana (or something) and that he had a super intense orgasm. I was loving the moment but I had to go to the bathroom pronto. My chest was sticky with drying cum, I was slipping all over the leather futon because of all the sweat down my back, my ass was covered in lube and filled with cum and I figured it might be smart if I stepped into the shower for a quick rinse off.

The funny thing was that the porn had actually ended and neither of us even noticed because what we had going was so intense. It was definately a great way to spend the night and it more than made up for some of the nights before where we have slightly unsuccessful encounters. This "trying new things" deal has sort of inspired me and I have even thought about heading to a sex shop soon to get some more kinky ideas. ;)

Pep Talk

2008-02-12T19:52:00.000-08:00

Mark and I celebrated our Valentine's Day tonight. Well... we didn't get to do everything tonight, just the date part. I work all day and night on Valentine's Day so Mark is going to come over after I get off to well.... get me off. Darren is going to Toronto on Thursday to visit his girlfriend so I should have the place to myself for the night to have all the dirty fun I want. Anyways, back to our date.

We headed out to see Juno after Mark got off work and I finished up at the gym. This movie is INCREDIBLE. It's histerical, well written, has fantastic characters, and by the end my heart was tied in such a tight knot it was painful to hold back the tears. I had heard that the movie is good but I was not expecting it to be this good. I highly reccomend that everyone go out and see this movie if you haven't already because it is well worth the price of admission.

After the movie we headed to a restaurant to grab a quick glass of wine before heading home. We started having a pretty intense conversation. It started off with my jealous ways asking Mark about his ex-boyfriend. What I gather about this guy is that he is older, rich, had access to high profile fancy parties, bought Mark expensive things, and even dabbled in drugs for a little bit. He is a figment of the past, and when I say past I mean 3-6 years ago, but I still get jealous about him from time to time when he comes up in conversation because I know that, other than me, this guy was Mark's most serious relationship. I really have no reason to be jealous considering my minor but harmless addiction to Paul, but it worries me how opposite his ex and I seem to be. I sometimes wonder if I give Mark everything he is looking for and frankly, the thought of Mark being with anyone else makes me want to punch a hole through the wall.

The whole ex conversation got us going on each other, and how serious we are/where we see our relationship going. I brought up the moving in together thing and it started to weigh on Mark because he knows that I won't move in with him until he comes out to his mom and sister. It seems like Mark and I have been talking endlessly for months about coming out, and now that I've done it, the focus has shifted to him. He doesn't really have the strength to do it and I know how difficult it is, but I can't wait around forever. I feel the pressure now, more than ever, to get on with life and be fully out and proud, but it is difficult to do when I'm dating someone more closeted than me. I was trying to express to Mark that I don't want to pressure him, but that I can't go on for very much longer hiding everything from his family and my roomate, and that I won't wait forever for him to get the nerve to take a chance and move in with me.

That being said, after the wine we went to another place and had coffee. Here we continued talking and I gave the typical pep-talk about how it's his life and coming out is inevitable and the sooner it happens the better it will be for everyone. I let him know that it will always be difficult to do, there is never a good time to deliver bad news, and that excuses can always be made not to do something we are scared of. I got him to tell me what he wants in his life, which happened to be moving in with me and moving forwards with us, and I showed him that no one is going to hand that to him. If he wants it, he has to make it happen, and have to courage to make himself happy because, unfortunately, in this world, being gay is still difficult and one needs to surround oneself with happiness if it is going to be achieved.

I got off the phone with Mark about 15 minutes ago and he let me know that his sister is out of the house, his mom is home alone, and that he might be telling her the good news tonight. I really hope he has the strength to talk to her because it is weighing on both of us the more people we have to hide our relationship from. It would be a complete waste to look back 5 years from now and see that the only reason why things didn't work out was because of everyone but us. He said he was going to call me later to let me know how it did or didn't go, so I hope he finds the strength to open up tonight.

Good luck babe!

Century Club

2008-02-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Saturday night was a giant drinking fiasco, the kind of giant drinking fiasco that leaves you wondering how you're alive, healthy, and still have all of your friends. I drank way too much - we all drank way too much - and I don't think anyone of us that went out that night actually remembers everything that happened.

The craziness started at work. I had started at 11:45 and by 3:15 I was about to start getting ready to finish my shift and go home, when a little league basketball team walks in and bam! all 20 of them are sitting in my section. It sucked to see them sitting there, running around, making a mess, and to know that I was supposed to be the person keeping all of their shit organized. It didn't turn out too bad and I made enough money off them to make it worth my while, but it kept me at work about and hour longer than I should have been there.

When I finally got off, one of my friends was sitting at the bar with her mom and I decided that I would reward myself with a drink (or 4). The bartender had accidentally made an extra cosmo earlier in the day and I convinced him to save it in the fridge for me for when I got off. I downed the martini pretty quickly then I ordered a pint, then another, then another. I was feeling a little silly and I was having a great time chatting with the girls, so I called Mark and got him to come join us for another drink.

When we finally left I was definately feeling a little loopy and the real drinking hadn't even started yet. Tonight we had decided that we were going to do century club. For those that don't know, century club is a drinking game where you take a shot of beer, every minute, on the minute for 100 minutes. It works out to about 10 beers in an hour and 40 minutes, which doesn't cound too bad, but the pace and the carbonation of the beer makes it a really uncomfortable experience. I had already finished this challenge 2 times when I lived in residence, so it was nothing special for me, I was only doing it because my roomate wanted to try it before he graduates.

The people taking the century club challenge were me, Mark, Darren, and two other buddies form class. No one present knew that Mark and I are together which is always a challenege because when we get drunk we get a little too close for comfort and people might start putting two and two together. The game started out a little boring. Luckily for me, I was already half in the bag, but for everyone else, starting from sobriety and having a shot of beer every minute, it seems like you're going no where fast. By the time we hit 30 shots, everyone was feeling the bloatedness and conversation got more interesting, the camera came out, we were joking and laughing, and to be honest a little worried about how we would get to 100 if we were feeling like this after 30.

One of the 2 buddies from class bailed on us around 80 shots. He doesn't drink beer very often and he decided that if he were to finish the full century he would puke, so he chickened out early to save the mess. The rest of us all finished it and that was the first surprise for me because I have no recollection of even finishing the last shot. It must have happened because we toook a picture of the group doing the 100th, but I have no memory of it whatsoever.

When we finished we put on our coats and shoes and headed out to the bar. We went to one place right down the street from my house and after what felt like 5 minutes of being in there, Mark was asked to leave by the bouncers becasue they said he was too intoxicated. I left with him and we went to another bar a little further down the street but we didn't stay long because we really felt like shit. For all I know we could have been out for 4 hours but what I remember is only being out for about 20 minutes. There are people that have since sent me facebook messages telling me how much fun it was to see me that night, but I had no clue I even bumped into these people at all. After the second bar, Mark and I decided to go to a shitty little fast food place to get some post-bar snacks. We downed our poutine (fries, gravy and cheese for the American readers out there) then headed back to my place where we both passed out in my bed.

This is where the night got really silly. When Darren came home, he barged into my bedroom and saw Mark and I sleeping together. Luckily we weren't doing anything incriminating and it could have looked like we just passed out there, but it was something I never wanted him to see. I thought he would just leave my room at this point but he decided that he had a better idea. He unzipped his fly, took out his cock, and started pissing on my bedrooom floor. I couldn't believe my eyes. His little pink head sticking out of his jeans, pouring steamy golden piss all over the floor.... it was something I didn't want to see, or smell, or have to deal with when I was drunk at 3am. I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he let out a little scream and realized that he wasn't in the bathroom, then he headed back to his room. I left the puddle overnight, it dried, then I made Darren wash my floor in the morning.

When Mark and I woke up, we were both a little hungover, but not so hungover that we couldn't mess around. We actually had pretty hot sex in spite of the massive drinking that occured the night before. When I reached over and felt that his cock was hard, I slipped under the covers and started sucking his throbbing dick. It tasted so good and it definately woke him up and got his attention. I moved from his head, down his shaft, around his nice big balls, then to his ass where I started rimming his tight little hole. I love feeling him squirm when my face is buried in his crack - his ass cheeks clenching on my tongue when he pants and frantically jerks his cock.

After I got his hole nice and wet, I returned my attention to his cock and forced a finger into his ass. I was fingering him as deep as I could, while taking his cock as far into my throat as possible. He was loving the attention but he didn't know that I had other plans. I was just loosening him up for my cock which was rock hard and begging for some play.

I flipped him over so he was lying on his stomach on the bed and I started grinding my cock into his ass. Rubbing it up and down his crack before poking it at his pink little target hiding in those juicy cheeks. I started with the tip, and slowly slid the rest of myself in. It hurt him at first but I kept myself in there, moved to his ear and said, "take it easy, you like it, you know it feels good when I stick it in you deep," and that got him to loosen up a little and become more welcoming to my member.

I started humping his sweet ass. I was loving every second of it and I could tell Mark was enjoying the mix of pain and pleasure as he was biting the pillows but moving his ass towards my pelvis for each subsequent pump. He got onto his knees and I started fucking him doggy style while he jerked his dripping dick. My hands were grabbing his waist and I don't think it was possible for me to be sticking it any deeper.

I flipped him onto his back while staying in him, then we started kissing while I started fucking him slower. We were both getting close by now and I had to stop for a bit to hold back the eruption so we came at the same time. I was licking and biting his nipples, while my cock rested in his ass, and he jerked his nice dick to climax. He said that he was gonna cum, so I fucked him as hard as I could and as soon as he started spraying our chests with his thick creamy cum, I let my load fill his ass while my balls emptied inside him.

It was great. I love cumming at the same time as the guy I'm with. We felt really connected after that and just laid there in bed getting a little more sleep before getting up and grabbing some breakfast. Over food my dad called to announce that he and my mom were in London and wanted to take me grocery shopping and out for lunch before I had to work that day. Good thing they called and didn't show up an hour or so earlier. Sure they're ok with me being gay, but I don't think they would have liked to walk in on me sticking things into Mark.

That Was Easy

2008-02-10T20:21:00.000-08:00

It seems strange how fast the real world is coming at me. I've sort of given myself some tasks to complete before graduation, and this month has had no shortages of checking things off my list. It all started with coming out to my parents, and just recently (Friday morning) I had a job interview for a "real job".

I find it funny that no one really considers waiting on tables a real job. The view towards it always seems to be that it's something one does in transition between their education and their career. Serving is a real job. It's hard work, you get paid, and I have to say there's enough money in it to actually support yourself, so whenever someone says that one day soon I will be a getting a real job, I take offense.

That being said, I had an interview for a real job on Friday morning. It was with a consulting firm here in London which is great because right after coming out to my parents, getting an engineering job in London is the next thing to cross off my list. The notice came pretty randomly. I was in class and I checked my phone to see if Mark had sent me any texts when I noticed that I had a missed call from a number that didn't register with me. I picked up the message that was left on my voicemail and it was the secretary of a firm, asking me to return her call to set up an interview for later in the week. I was nervous but excited and the reality that I would soon be entering a career seemed really strange.

Unfortunately the job is not exactly what I would like to be doing but what first job ever is? This position focuses on water supply and wastewater treatment but my major is structural engineering. The interviewer told me flat out that I wouldn't be getting much structural experience but from the variety of responsibilities that I would have at this firm, it seems like the range of experience I would be getting would help me further my career down the road. The interview went really well and the guy told me that he has been interviewing for weeks and that there are maybe 2 or 3 people that stand out and I am one of them. I've set a salary minimum for the job and if I do get an offer at that minimum or more then I will accept it for sure.

I did something sort of silly when I left the interview but I think it paid off. Staples the office supply store sells these easy buttons that say "that was easy" when you push them. Well on my way out of the boardroom, the secretary asked me how the interview went and I decided to slam my hand down on the easy button. My interviewer and the secretary both laughed and I felt like an idiot because it was completely spontaneous and I didn't think before doing it. It could have come off as a bit of an ass-holeish thing to do but they thought it was cute. The secretary even went on to say "Oh he's going to fit in just fine around here" before I left. I'm feeling confident about how things went and I really hope that I get an offer.

I'm trying to teach myself to take things one day at a time and not to look too far into the future and this potential opportunity is helping me do this. I'm trying to sort my life out area by area and it seems to be working. I came out to my parents and it went well, I might find a career in London, then I'm going to find a place to live (hopefully with Mark), and then I have to get a car. Baby steps are all it takes to turn things around and I hope that by May 1st I'm in a position where I'm a happy, comfortable, emotionally sound, young professional working hard and living with the man he loves. It seems weird but what comes after that?

The Weekend I Met Myself

2008-02-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

It has been a little while since I last posted, but what a big "little while" it's been. My family has endured so much over the past week so I'll run through it chronologically trying to keep everything straightforward.

Thursday, January 31, 2008.

My brother, Mike, was in a devastating car accident that really shook him and my family up. He was driving to work in the morning with one of his roomates/employees, and though he has no memory of what happened, the gist is that he took out a telephone poll, then wrapped his car around a tree. All 5 airbags deployed, every window was shattered, golf clubs that were in the trunk ended up in pieces and in the main cabin of the car.... the car was totaled and it was a miracle that Mike and his employee walked out of the car alive. They were rushed to the hospital where Mike had to get stitches in the back of his head, but aside from the stitches and the expected cuts and bruises, both of them were physically fine. Mentally, Mike was in shock and he still doesn't quite seem to be back to his normal self which is understandable given the trauma he experienced.

Friday, February 1, 2008.

I headed back to Toronto with my roomate, Darren (who doesn't know I'm gay), during one of the biggest snow storms of the year. We hit the road at 11:30am and the driving conditions seemed ok, but after about a half hour on the road, the freezing rain started, which turned to snow, which turned to a blanketed highway, white-out conditions, two cars spinning into the ditch in front of us, a transport truck overturned on the side of the road, endless stalled vehicles stuck in snow banks, and one hell of a nerve racking drive for Darren and I. What would normally take 2 hours, took just under 4 and upon settling in at Darren's girlfriend Anna's apartment, we poured some martinis to unwind.

Originally I had planned to head straight back to my parent's place in the suburbs, but Darren and Anna had convinced me to stay into the evening to party in the city. With these new plans and a few more drinks in my system, I converted this perfectly harmless plan into something much worse. My ex-boyfriend Paul lives only one block away from Anna and I figured it was a brilliant idea to head over to his place to store my things there. The logic I vocalized to everyone else was that I would leave the bar early to head to my parents place, but by storing my things at Paul's place, I wouldn't need Anna to leave the bar with me to let me into my apartment. The logic I vocalized to myself was that I would inevitably end up spending the night with Paul.

I brought everything over to Paul's place and made sure that I wasn't hindering any plans he might have had for the night by having him do me this favour. I spent about an hour and a half with him and his roomate the headed back to Anna's place for dinner and a pre-drink. I hate myself for this but I really just wanted to ditch Darren and the crew that gathered there and head back to Paul's to have more time with him. We eventually made it out to a bar where I hung out and drank more for about an hour and decided to tell my friends that I was leaving for the night to go back to my parents. I jumped into a cab and headed to Paul's where I was greeated with another group of people hanging out, and immediately I found myself with another drink in my hand. At this point I decided to call my dad and let him know that I would spend the night here cuz I had too much to drink, and that I would grab a bus home first thing in the morning.

We listened to music, chatted, and of course, drank a lot more, then headed out to a gay bar for some more fun. I got separated at the bar and found an older guy to buy me a drink, I politely left him afterwards, explaining that I had lost my friends and needed to meet up. I found Paul and the others and by this time it was getting late so we headed back to his apartment. Once we got back, the others left and Paul's roomate and I decided to go into the bathrooom to smoke some weed. When we were done, we saw that Paul had gone to bed already so I said goodnight then crawled into bed with him. Nothing happened. I was waaaay to drunk to let something happen even if I wanted it to, but it just seemed really inappropriate to be sleeping in the same bed as Paul when I have Mark back home trusting me for the weekend.

Saturday, February 2, 2008.

When I woke up Paul and I were spooning and I could feel his hard cock digging into my ass. I was wearing underwear so there was no risk of penetration or anything, but I definately felt something having him beside me. There is a strange sense of familiarity with him since he was the first guy I had ever had sex with, and he has had so much to do with all of the personal growth I have had in my life. When I realized I was awake he turned over, but I, still being drunk and sporting morning wood, turned over too and continued the spooning. Eventually he ended up on his back and I could see his tent through the sheets and I, very stupidly, decided to start rubbing his cock. He did nothing; he didn't stop me, but didn't make any further advances. I know I was inappropriate, but I also know that I would have gone no further. I love Mark and this situation was a very big moment of weakness and a very big mistake, but I trust that I wouldn't have made it any worse than it was. I think I just wanted to see some sort of sign that Paul still wanted me as a matter of pride and ego.

I rolled out of bed and asked to use his computer so I could check the bus schedule on the internet. There was one leaving in under an hour, so I got dressed, tried to freshen up, hugged him goodbye, thanked him for not trying to take advantage, and left. I reaked of booze and I was hungover as hell, so I went to McDonald's and had 2 breakfast meals before buying my ticket, jumping on the bus and heading to my parents neck of the woods. My dad picked me up at the bus terminal and commented on how hungover I looked, and when I got home my mom commented on how hungover I smelled and forced food upon me to soak up the alcohol. My uncle was getting married that day so I had about 2 hours to recuperate and look my best for the wedding at 1:00pm.

A shower, shave, and loads of water later, I was looking and smelling presentable for the event. The wedding was nothing special - very low key because my dad's racist, sexist, homophobic, Catholic family really wanted nothing to do with the bride-to-be. The servcie was long and painful, in a Catholic church, extending over and hour, and emphasizing all of the religious values that I feel encourage more hate than faith. I was just looking forward to the post wedding drinking festivities because I needed a hair off the dog that bit me in order to get over this hangover.

We went to my aunt and uncle's house for drinks, and then to a restaurant for dinner and more drinks. There was not a typical reception in a big hall with dancing and a DJ and the whole 9 yards, again, because that might have only encouraged family drama. This is when the night started to get interesting.

One of my aunts knows that I'm gay because she heard it from one of her daughter's friends. She and I had never talked about this before, but since I had consumed a lot of liquid courage this weekend I felt like it was the optimal time to confront the issue. I asked if I could speak with her privately outside and she understood so we went out alone. I instantly asked her what her daughter's friend had said and she just turned to me and said that she loved me. She said that whatever I was going through, whether or not I was gay, she was there to support me and that it didn't change anything. We talked a little more about my experience and what I was going through and then I let her know that I was thinking about telling my parents when we got home that night. She let me know that I could turn to her if I needed to talk or if my parents needed to talk and that she understood. After wiping up my tears and collecting myself, my mom came outside and she could sense that something was up. She asked me if everything was ok and I said that it wasn't and we needed to talk when we got home.

On the way home we stopped at Burger King and grabbed some food, because of course, after a wedding, fast food stops are a necessity (sarcastic). We sat in my kitchen and ate our shit, then my dad put some music on and opened a bottle of wine. My head was swimming in fear because I was just trying to find the courage to tell my parents, and everything seemed so real that I was getting nervous. Michael Buble's song "Lost" came on, and when he said "you are not alone" I started crying and my parents knew that something was up. I told them we needed to talk, went into the other room, turned off the music and I just sat on the couch crying.

They gave me space and just watched me until I was ready to speak. Eventually, through sobs, I said, "You guys love me right?", they said, "Of course," at which point I just stared off and said, "Well,..... I'm gay." A wave of surprise went over my mom's face but she regained her composure right away. My dad didn't say anything at the start and I just kept crying. They asked the usual questions: "Are you sure? How long have you known? Does your ex-girlfriend, Katie, know? Who else knows?" and I was honest about everything. I made it very clear to them that I felt so alone, and that I was not in a good place mentally right now.

Surprisingly, they were amazing. It was like a movie the way they reacted. They ensured me that they still love me, that they think I'm still a great kid, that this doesn't change anything, and that they would be there for my support. My dad got up and gave me a giant hug as I was crying, and this was the first time, in a very long time, that I can remember hugging my father and telling him that I love him. I cannot remember the last time I said the words "I love you" to my dad, and this evening I said it and meant it with the greatest power of the words. I was still crying but I explained to them that it was not because I was upset, but it was because I had never felt so loved in my life.

I went into my room and called Katie, Paul, and Mark (strangely, in that order) and told them that I was ok. They all knew that I was doing this tonight and they were all very worried about how it would go and wanted to offer me their full support. I passed out.

Sunday, February 3, 2008.

This morning I woke up in a new world. I was hungover and that was probably the only familiar thing I felt. For years I had the feeling that an elephant was sitting on my chest, but when I woke up today, it had left. For the first time in year I felt light, and confident, and optimistic, and happy to be alive. I was told that I would feel this after I came out but I had no idea how real and magical the feeling would be. I really just wished that I had done this earlier and experienced this happiness years ago. My life would have been so different if I got to live it to its fullest during my university years, but the only thing I can do is vow to live it to its fullest from this point forward.

I was always a pessimist. When I looked into my future all I could see was coming out. I saw the darkness surrounding it and the uncertainty of how it would turn out. It was impossible for me to focus or be motivated on anything beyond that because the only thing I could concentrate on was this giant obstable infront of me and the fear of facing it alone. Well I faced it this weekend and now I see nothing but bright things for my future. When I look ahead now I see nothing negative, just a clean slate to do anything I wish with my future. I can make it as fantastic as I would like, and this sense of a fresh start has given me a new motivation to live.

Unfortunately, there was a little bit of bad news in the morning. My dad left the house late last night to go to the casino but on the way there he was pulled over by the police. He had drank so much on Saturday and it is really a miracle that he didn't blow over the legal limit on the breathilizer test. The machine had to be broken, there is truly no way that a man as drunk as he was could have been under the legal limit. The car was impounded and his license was suspened for 12 hours so he couldn't drive me back to my place until later in the evening.

Both of my parents made great efforts to reinforce everything they told me the night before, and they made certain that I knew they supported me and that I would get better from this point onwards. Upong arriving back in my town, we went out for some food with Mike and to watch the end of the Superbowl. The patriots lost in a very theatrical finale, I went home, and went to sleep.

My fingers hurt from all of this typing. Till later.

Hooked

2008-01-30T21:14:00.000-08:00

I come cuz your husband
is sagging and old.
Without the right spice
your marriage got cold.
There’s no need to worry
you’re gonna be spanked.
For what I provide you,
I know I’ll be thanked.

I come with that knowledge
you know I possess,
to scratch all your itches
to make a big mess.
I’m not here for romance;
we know it’s not love.
I’m here cuz you want me
to tower above.

I come into your bedroom
with leather and chains,
with straps, spikes, and tassels;
a whip for some pain.
It may be one’s nightmare,
for you it’s a dream,
to be forced and muscled,
to be forced to scream.

I come for a fetish.
Don’t knock ‘till you’ve tried
being bound, gagged, bent over,
restricted, and tied,
humiliated, shamed;
an uncommon greed,
to be smothered and covered
and soaking with seed.

I come for your service
you’re paying full fare,
to be slapped and stung
while I’m ripping your hair.
Roughed up, not tickled,
ignoring no hole.
That ache which is pleasure,
abusing my pole.

I come for my duty
to finance tuition,
filling your appetite
compelled to submission.
I watch as you swallow,
every gargle and slurp.
You’ll recall my flavour
everytime you burp.

I come for your craving,
deriving from hurt,
to be slippery and wet,
get ready to squirt.
I come, then you come
when I come on you.
Will you find out
he hires me too?

I come for my check
then I’m sent on my way,
leaving only the stains,
we lathered today.
Don’t look so sad
you know I’ll be back,
you know that you’re hooked
on that juice in my sac

9

2008-01-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today is my 9 month anniversary with Mark and it always blows my mind, on these days of time record, how fast time actually goes. To be specific, Mark and I didn't officially become a couple 9 months ago today, this was the day that we had our first "date". I put it in quotations because I'm not sure if it even qualifies as a date, but there is no better word that I can think of to describe it.

Mark and I had a bit of a weird history prior to meeting each other. One day I was checking my facebook, and I saw that I had another poke from yet another random guy. I'm not the type of guy that uses facebook as a hook-up tool - pokes go nowhere with me and Mark was no exception. I ignored it and didn't think twice. The strange coincidence is that I ended up meeting Mark a few days later, completely unplanned and unexpected by either of us.

This guy I used to hook-up with (until I found out that he was cheating on his boyfriend with me), Greg, had asked me to play tennis that afternoon. I love tennis and I had no other plans, so I didn't hesitate before heading over to his place. When I got there he told me that one of his buddies was going to join us and again I didn't think anything of it. As the story goes, Greg and Mark were chatting online earlier that afternoon and this tennis meeting was actually a first, blind, meeting between Greg and Mark. When Mark showed up at the tennis court I had instantly recognized him from the random facebook poke, and I felt a little awkward because I was sensing that the connections between the 3 of us were a little closer than I suspected. Mark was really awkward too when he showed up because he didn't even know which one of us was Greg. Ya da ya da ya da, we played tennis and had the usual small talk, everyone went home (alone), and I just played it off as another strange coincidental afternoon.

When I got home, it turned out Mark had contacted me again through facebook, this time with a message. Given the fact that I thought he was fucking sexy on the tennis court that day, I wasted no time in giving him my contact information. A bunch of msn sessions and facebook exchanges later, we decided to head out to the bar on April 25, 2007. This was his last exam of university history and I was invited out to join in on the drunken post-exam celebration. He came over to my place for a few drinks before the bar, and considering the level of discomfort in this situation, I drank a lot. And when I say a lot I mean I drank so much that I don't even rememeber him fucking me and apparently he didn't drink so much that he was still able to fuck me.

The bar wasn't very noteworthy. Just drinking. It wasn't much of a social scene, just small talk and shots. First dates are awkward enough on their own, but when you do it in a loud and noisy bar, surrounded with acquaintances that don't know you're gay, the standard is raised. We drank like it was our job and how or when we decided to head back to my place is something I still haven't figured out. The walk home was definately interesting. One block away from the bar I tackled Mark, pinned him in the grass, and forced my tongue into his mouth. I remember making out with him on a stranger's lawn, and feeling his cock get hard beneath his jeans while we were groping each other, splotlighted by the streetlamps overhead. We got up and continued the trek to my place but before long we were wrestling again, this time in the brush beside the train tracks. Blackout.

Wake up. At this point I was in my bed, feeling Mark's cock tasting my ass, while I moaned "Yes! Yes! Fuck me harder!" I was so loud that he actually "shushed" me while he pounded my tight hole. Blackout.

Wake up. Now the sun is rising and the rays invading my bedroom woke me up to find Mark lying beside me. He was awake and we talked a bit about how drunk we were and how we couldn't really believe what had happened. I recognized the tent in his briefs as morning wood and I didn't say anything before sliding down his body and going down on his pole. I didn't want him to think that the events of that night were a drunken mistake, so I made it very clear to him that I had every intention of doing it again.

After he came, we cleaned up and I noticed that his iron ring was missing. For those that don't know, there is a tradition in the Canadian engineering profession that awards graduating engineering students an iron ring to be worn on their pinkies. The ring is supposed to serve as a constant reminder of our ethical code and duty to public service. Well Mark's honour to this symbol was getting hammered, fooling around with another drunk guy, and losing the ring while making out on the train tracks. He also lost his cell phone, so his post-blowjob morning was a bit of a downer. We headed out for breakfast together and assured each other that next time we go out, the only shots that would be involved would be served from each other's cocks.

Who would have known that 9 months later, Mark and I would still be together?

We're doing great now, I really love him, and the only problems we really have with each other stem from the fact that we have to hide our relationship from half of the people in our lives. I'm proud of us for having the strength to stay together even through the unhealthy circumstances that we live in. It takes a lot of effort and understanding to make a relationship work, especially when there is so much outside influence, negatively affecting the dynamic.

So everyone raise their glass to Ryan and Mark!

Happy 9 months babe, and God forbid you should ever stumble on this blog, know that I love you soooooo much!

Working Man

2008-01-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

One of the things that has me a little stressed lately is how close I am to entering the real world. I'm finishing up my degree this April but what comes next?

I have no fucking clue.

My major is civil engineering but the past four years have really only taught me that I don't want to be a civil engineer. The work is boring, the responsibility and liability is huge, and most civil engineers are nerdy, smelly, foreign, and socially inept. Looking ahead to spending my days with people like my classmates, doing calculations for 8 hours a day, is about as appealing as sucking off Michael Moore. It's one of those things that I wouldn't even want to get paid to do. So why am I doing this? Albeit I have not entered the workforce yet so my judgment might be a little premature, but at a crossroads like this it is tough to be optimistic.
I have a few options for May 1st:

Option 1

Move back to my parent's house in Toronto, continue to live under their wing and checkbook until I find a job. This is my last resort - I think I would even give prostitution a try before seriously considering this option. They have no idea I'm gay and when I tell them (hopefully before March) the last thing they would want is me to be having Mark come for sleepovers. Not to mention Mark lives in London ON, and trying out a long distance deal is not something I would like.

Option 2

Stay in London, live alone and independent of my family's resources, and continue waiting tables full-time until I get a better perspective on life. This option is up there in the running for what I might do and that sort of gets me depressed. If I had known before coming to school that I would end up being a waiter upon graduation, there's no way I would have went through all the aches and pains of earning this degree. There's also the embarrassment factor - having a civil engineering degree but serving people beer and wings. There's a discrepancy that is hard for me to swallow. On the bright side I would be living in the same town as Mark and most of my friends, so I would be a little ashamed, but happy.

Option 3

Move downtown Toronto. This is what I intended to do before I realized how much I actually love Mark. I envisioned myself getting my own place and trying to make it on my own in the big city. Finding a job, engineering or not, and finally experiencing all of the perks that large metropolises have to offer. The shows, entertainment, restaurants, bars, clubs, guys etc... I was really excited to be single in a gay-friendly city where I could leave the suffocating life I've been living for 4 years behind and start fresh. Unfortunately it would be another long distance deal, and I don't really trust putting myself in this situation for the sake of my relationship. Not to mention my ex-boyfriend lives downtown TO, and I've always harboured a soft spot for him.

Option 4

Find an engineering job in London that would start May 1st. This option is safe. I would be doing something that would please my parents, give me cushy job with good money and hours, get experience in my field of study, and really get to see if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know I am going to work as a civil engineer at one point or another, but the idea of settling down at the age of 21 scares me. Under these circumstances, Mark and I would both be working 9 to 5 engineering jobs in London ON, and it seems like life would take a more serious tone. I'm young. I'm energetic. I have so much left to experience. Why would I want to settle down this early in life. This is something a straight person would do because they would feel the pressure to get married and have kids, but I'm living for me. It just seems like a little too much stability at this point. I want excitement.

One of the ways I can tell that the career path isn't attractive to me right now is that I can't be bothered to put a resume together. I had originally sat down at this computer to work on my resume, but alas, I'm working on this silly blog that no one has read yet. I do anything and everything to procrastinate and avoid the inevitable real world that is coming way too quickly. It's tough to decide what to do, but I guess the good thing is that I can afford to make mistakes. I need to listen to my heart and be happy.

Bisque

2008-01-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

I usually pride myself on being a less-than-stereotypical homosexual but one dead giveaway that I like to take it up the ass is that I'm a waiter - and a damn good one at that. I have an interest in quality food and drink, I'm well groomed and personable, and I have a kinky desire to serve, meet demands, and take orders - probably all the same reasons why most great male waiters are gay. I enjoy my job. I usually have fun and I make good money considering I'm still a student, but tonight was one of those shifts that made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

Normally the shifts that make me want to shoot myself are the ones that, by coincidence, I end up serving someone that I hooked up with during my days of sluttiness and experimentation. My heart always sinks into my balls when I see a guy getting sat in my section that I recognize from a random hook-up. It's the most awkward thing that can happen at work. I know who they are, and they know who I am, but neither of us know each other in the context of our real lives. We know each other's online personalities, we remember screen names, profile pics, and the one time we met face to face for 30 minutes while we got off. To then have to greet this person with a smile and a facade of anonymity because his mom and sister have no idea we've met, is something that always throws me off. Tonight, this was not the reason I was thrown off - it was something much worse.

I wasn't even supposed to work tonight, but I'm strapped for cash and wanted some extra dough, so I picked this shift up as a favour to a coworker. It was just the average uneventful shift until grandpa sat in my section. This family was sort of unusual. Two little girls, two middle-aged women, and a middle-aged man who was called "grandpa". The relations between everyone alluded me but he wore thick Coke-bottle-lenses so the title of "grandpa" seemed to match. I was enjoying grandpa at first. He encouraged the ladies to order anything they wanted, he was drinking, he pushed desert on the children, and his was the highest bill of the night. Grandpa and I were getting along just fine until he revealed to the restaurant that he's a stupid piece of shit.

I was leaving the kitchen carrying a hot bowl of Tomato & Roasted Red Pepper Bisque, just about to pass by Grandpa, when he did something that made me want to sock him in the nuts. As I was passing by him, he decided to stand up abruptly and flail his arms in the air like a fucking moron. His way of putting on his jacket was also his way of slapping the bisque out of my hands, splattering it all over another guest in the restaurant. As I watched the bowl soar through the air, pouring red hot soup all over a guy at the next table, my heart stopped and I froze. I gasped, the dishes clattered on the floor, and all eyes in the vicinity turned to the scene that was unfolding. The bisque had covered this guy's neck, his coat, pants, the table..... I was surprised at how much soup actually fit in the bowl upon seeing it spread out over everything in sight.

Luckily the victim of the bisque incident was one of our bartenders who had come in for dinner on his night off, but in the case of scalding someone with hot soup it seems strange to attach a "luckily" to the event at all. Grandpa did nothing to make matters any better. He told the victim that he might get a free meal out of it, laughed, then left. His wife stayed at the table to pay the bill where she proceeded to give me a chincy tip before leaving. All that was left was a mess and my embarrassment.

There was nothing I could do to make matters better, and everyone who saw the incident assured me that it was all grandpa's fault, but I couldn't help feeling like shit. Just being associated with an event that injured someone else left me sick to my stomach and I really just wanted to get the fuck out of there. There were no hard feelings between the victim and I, and I'm sure his burns and redness will heal, but the whole event was something I could have done without.

I guess next time I have a guest that can remember what I look like naked but doesn't remember my name, I'll just think of the bisque incident and know that there are worse things that could be throwing me off.

Being A First

2008-01-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Who knew that my boyfriend, Mark, is a pianist? Ok; the definition of "pianist" would have to be skewed slightly to include him, but, last night, when I found myself at a random man's apartment viewing an antique baby grand piano that Mark was buying, I was at least convinced. Don't get too bored just yet. The purpose of this entry isn't to tell you about my boyfriend's hobbies, it's to give you the details of what happened while we were moving it.

I called Mark when I got out of class to ask if he needed help carrying the piano. It turned out he had spent the last hour trying to move the monster on his own and all that was really accomplished was the opening of the U-Haul door. When I got over there it turned out it was quite the ordeal. Not only was this motherfucker heavy as hell, but it was the middle of a snowstorm and we needed to move it quick and in very slippery conditions. Long story short, the baby grand is now sitting in his livingroom and nothing was broken. We grabbed a quick bite to eat and then set off to reurn the U-Haul and pick up Mark's SUV.

Half-way to the U-Haul depot I got a kinky little idea in my head. I looked at Mark and said, "It's too bad the truck has to be returned before we got a chance to fuck in the back." He laughed it off and indicated that it was a hot idea, but didn't make anything more of it. So I did. "I love fooling around in weird places and I feel like we're passing up an opportunity by returning the truck so soon." This was said as I reached over and started rubbing his cock through his jeans while he was driving. The more I touched him and the more I talked about how I wanted to take him in the back, the harder his dick got, and the more welcoming he was to the idea of having a pit stop before the U-Haul deopt.

Before I knew it he had unbuckled his seat belt and whipped out his throbbing uncut shlong. It was so hot. Driving in broad daylight in a rented van, sitting higher than the other vehicles - the other motorists having no idea that the passenger of this particular truck had his face buried in the driver's lap, fitting that fat cock as far into his throat as he could. Whenever I surfaced for air Mark would jerk off with the clear mission of blowing his load. I stopped him. I told him to find somewhere rather discreet and that we would go into the cargo hold to finish things off.

By the time we parked on a desterted side street, both of us were horny as fuck. I wasted no time opening the trailer door, climbing in, and heading to the back where I let my raging hardon out of my jeans. Mark closed the door behind him, took out his dick, and got on his knees. He instantly started working on our cocks. Jerking mine into his mouth with his left hand and stroking his with his right. We had been so horny for so long, and the thrill of the random act of public sex coerced us into getting very close, very fast.
"I want to cum in your mouth," I said, acknowledging that Mark had never swallowed my load, and that this was the most eager I had ever seen him tongue my dick.

"Ok but I want to cum when you do," was his response, as that flicking tongue and those jerking hands kept working their magic.

The thought of him taking my whole load for the first time was driving me wild, and the feeling of my head sitting in his moist mouth, waiting for his hand to jerk me to climax, only brought me that much closer to shooting all of my creamy jizz in his mouth.

"Fuck! I'm gonna blow!"

As I said it he worked overtime and made sure that both of us came together - me feeding him every drop, and him coating the cold steel floor of the U-Haul with his man-milk. It was great. I watched his adam's apple work my cum down his throat, and I will never forget the look on his face when the reality of what he had just done, for the first time in his life, set in.

When we were back in the cabin he told me that it tasted salty and that he didn't really like it. Given the fact that I swallow his load all the time I said, "You'll get used to it," we laughed for a bit and arrived at the truck depot.

I hope they don't inspect the cargo holds with blacklights...

I remember all of my firsts - my first kiss, orgasm, blowjob (received), first time fucking a girl, first gay experience, my first blowjob (given), the first time I was fucked in the ass, fucked another's ass, the first time I took a load in the ass bareback, as well as the first time I blew a load in another guy's ass bareback. Sexual experience is full of firsts and knowing that I was part of one of Mark's today is more erotic to me than watching him struggle to take my entire load without spilling a drop.

I love being a first. There's something I find really empowering when I know that I was the first person to share an experience with another. Whether it's the thrill of experimentation, or the knowledge that I have a lasting place in the other's life milestones, or just the flattery that I was convincing enough to get someone to try something new - I love being a first.